Hi, I desperately need help with my essay for an scholarship I plan to apply for. I'm not a strong essay writer so please tell me what I should do to improve my essay. Be honest! Thanks!
Question:
The Ohio State University identifies diversity as one of its core institutional values. By ensuring that the university community includes members of various cultural, ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds, Ohio State endeavors to provide an optimal learning environment for all students. Bearing this in mind, please write an essay, limited to no more than 1,000 words, which includes a self-portrait of how your own cultural, tribal, ethnic and/or socio-economic background has influenced your life.
Essay:
The world is made up of people of all cultures. From Asians to Hispanics, each culture has their own set of morals and values. These cultures are what define us as individuals and are what shape our lives. I was born and raised in China and experienced numerous unique cultures along the way during the past 17 years of my life. I believe by going to Ohio State, I'll be able to share my cultural experiences with its diverse community.
Growing up in China, I was subjected to the harsh and intensive education training of Chinese Schools. I was not the most intelligent of my classmates, but I certainly was the most hardworking. I remember competing with this one girl in getting the best grades. She was smarter then me but was lazy and rarely did her schoolwork. I was the complete opposite of her. However, even when I do all my work, my grades were still inferior to hers. I never gave up though, and continued to exert all my effort into beating her one day. That day never came. Even though my goal was never achieved, I gained determination and diligence in the process,
When I first arrived in the United States, I was astounded at how different it was from China. Being born in a rural part of China, I had never known any other culture besides my own. The foods, the ideas, and the people all came across as almost an overwhelming experience for me. It wasn't easy acclimating to the new culture but I managed to do so gradually. However, even now, I haven't fully accepted the American culture into my life.
In the past 10 years living in the United States, I have moved and settled in over 6 different regions and been to 7 schools. Needless to say, I've encountered countless new ideas and learned about various new cultures I had never experienced before. For example, when my family moved to Connecticut, we shared the same house with a Jewish family. During this period, they invited me to bar mitzvahs and allowed me to witness special ceremonies that were an important part of the Jewish heritage. The Jewish family, in turn, gained an understanding of our Chinese culture and traditions when we invited them to celebrate Chinese New Years and other aspects of our lives. By learning and participating in their Jewish activities, I feel that the Jewish culture has become a part of me. This is also what I hope to contribute to Ohio State. I want to become a part of Ohio State by sharing my culture and ideas with it.
Not only do I want to contribute my culture and ideas, I also want to share my experiences of other cultures I came in contact with before. I believe that would add to the school's diverse background and thus improve it as a whole. In exchange for my cultural contribution, I hope Ohio State will provide me the opportunity to engage with people of different cultural background. I'm also eager to incorporate new ideas from the other cultures into my own.
Colleges will be a new unique experience for me. I'm confident that I have much to offer to Ohio State University.
I realize the ending paragraph's very weak, but I don't really know what I should say.
I'm not sure if "Chinese Schools" should be capitalized.
I remember competing with this one girl in getting the best grades. She was smarter then me but was lazy and rarely did her schoolwork. I feel like you could word these sentences a little better, maybe try using a thesaurus.
I think it's better to spell out numbers like 6 and 7.
Colleges will be a new unique experience for me. I'm confident that I have much to offer to Ohio State University.
If you're not sure what to say, just make it come from you're heart. A lot of kids just try to sound intelligent and lose their voice in their papers.
