Since i'm not that good with english, can you guys please tell me if there is an grammatical error or some clumsiness in this essay? Thank you!!!
I've always want to go to Korea for study since my high school graduate. But due to some reason I can't fulfill my dream to continue my study in Korea. I'm taking Management Business in one of the University in Indonesia. After obtaining my bachelor degree, I still considering Korea as one of my dream that I have to achieve. Therefore, Korea is one of advanced developed countries so it's a good chance for me if I be able to study in Korea. I believe Yonsei University is a great choice for me because it's one of the best top university in Korea and I've also heard many good reviews from an international students.
Throughout college I maintain a 3.2 grade point average and joined some club. I've also become a part of the committee set of management business school program. Beside activities in university, I also challege myself to join another activities outside. Such as singing, beauty, and modelling contest. I've always enjoyed myself in entertainment activity like singing and dancing. It can be said that Korean Pop also make me more passionate about my hobbies. Many friends I know also because of we have the same passion about Korean. It's not just because of the music and drama, we also enjoyed Korean food together and we also support each other to achieve our dreams.
Since I've always interested in entertainment, I know Hallyu is one of the biggest influence from all of Asia's entertainment. That's why if I join the Yonsei Korean Language Institute program, it will help to understand the entertainment industry better. It also will be a valuabe chance to meet another friends who have the same interest with me and can help me to understand the beauty of Korea. I also want to become a better person that can bring Indonesian entertainment industry a big change.
The other different reasons for my consideration is because the more and more languages we know and master, it will be an advantage to build relations. And seeing such great expansion of the company's in Korean corporate and Korean culture, language acquisition becomes one value for me to enter the global industry.
Hi Melis,Sharing is fun. The followings are my opinions regarding your essay.
-I've always want to go to (you may write: I always want to go to..."simple present" or I've always wanted (use participle) for "present perfect)
- But due to some reason(reasons: plural)
-I'm taking Management Business in one of the University (universities: one of....) in Indonesia.
-I still considering (I'm still considering) Korea as one of my dream that I have to achieve.
Thank u.
Thank you! You help me a lot.
But can i ask one more question?
I think my 3rd and last pharagraph here kinda clumsy? Like it's not connected together...
Since I've always interested in entertainment, I know Hallyu is one of the biggest influence from all of Asia's entertainment. That's why if I join the Yonsei Korean Language Institute program, I know I'll be able to learn more about Korea. It also will be a valuabe chance to meet another friends who have the same interest with me from all around the world and the teacher can help me to understand the beauty of Korea. I know for sure I want to become a better person that can bring Indonesian entertainment industry a big change and make my parent proud of me.
The other different reasons for my consideration is because when I learn about business management, I know the more and more languages we know and master, it will be an advantage to build relations. And seeing such great expansion of the company's in Korean corporate and Korean culture, language acquisition becomes one value for me to enter the global industry.
Hi Mel,
It seems that your 3rd and 4th paragraph both explain the reason why you would like to attend the chosen university. The former paragraph explained the first reason, and the latter one describe the second reason. Maybe thats why you find those two not connected.
If both paragraphs aim to explain the same topic, i think it would not be a problem to merge them into one.
Good luck with the application.
