I appreciate your kind feedback on my Personal statement
Personal statement for Master of Health Management
I was completely surprised. At 4.30 am I had to cycle to the nearest Community Treatment Center to call the nurse to give the first aid and reserve the ambulance for my father who had to be hospitalized immediately due to his light heart attack. Fortunately, my father could be helped although we spent more than 2,5 hours to the nearest and the only hospital in my home island, Rxxx Island. It is the southeast most island of Indonesia. To serve its habitat more than 180.000 people in 12.000sqm width, it only has one hospital and 3 drug stores. Lacking health facilities causes unequally medicine distribution and inaptitude health services. Absolutely it is not effective and efficient, whereas health service is very basic for every single nation.
I am writing to apply for Master of Health Management in City University of London. It is appropriate to my necessity to build my home island. I am completely interested in the modules which are offered. The Key to enhance my Leadership ability to provides consequential guidance for leading health company and to set plan term goals through the best strategy in health management is the benefit which I gain from Management and Leadership in Healthcare module. Moreover, studying Strategic Management in Healthcare will help me to foster innovation, facilitating change and achieving results in complex and competitive circumstances.
My professional background as a pharmacist. I signed a two-year contract with a health company as a pharmacist and a general manager. It was very interesting to me because I had to build the drugstore from the beginning. It took me four months to provide all the documents and deal with the government to get the license. As a new drugstore, it was quite difficult to compete with similar companies that have been existing and have a strong reputation. But I was able to compete with them by applying good management to handle all resources. I gained ultimate success in improving the public trust within ten months, so the patients who came for treatment increased drastically.
My next contract with other health company. It gives me the same position and job description as my previous job. However, it is more challenging for me because I am given full authority to manage the company. I optimize all the effort, arrange the resources and set the strategies to give the best services to costumers and patients, so that, the company makes a very good profit within less than 6 months, although it is located in developing area.
As I am driven my long-term dream to build new health facilities in my home island, I prefer working with new health companies because I want to learn and gain as much experiences as about how to build and develop a health company from the beginning to be successful one. Furthermore, I also built networking with other pharmacist, doctors and other health professionals even with the manager of the medicine company and medicine distributor. It gives me a huge advantage.
By having strong professional experiences and networking that I have built, and with new organisations and classmates that I am going to build in London, I am going to contribute to my home island by establishing a complete drugstore and a Primary clinic to help people achieve a better life. Thus I help the government to cover the rural area with high-quality services including the distribution of medicines and health equipment. Furthermore, it helps me to set the long-term program to be an agent to support the target in 2030 for Good Health and Well-Being in Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) program on the remote island in southeast part of Indonesia
I consider myself to be the right candidate for this program because I am still young, energetic, high self-motivated person who is visionary, enjoy studying and working hard. Upon being selected for the program I will work towards attaining better grade, and this has been my performance throughout my education life.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Martsom, this sounds like you just extended the content of your resume in the presentation. It does not sound like a personal statement at all. It sounds more like a narrative resume. So this is not what you should be submitting for the purposes of your application. A personal statement delves on the foundation of your interest in the pharmacy field. The story of your father would have helped if it did not focus on the health emergency and rather, showed how difficult it was for you to gain access to the medication required for his treatment.
From that point, you can discuss that this health scare is what drove you to become a pharmacist. Explain that you do not want to just sell drugs and fill prescriptions, explain that you wish to be the drug creator for your island. How you feel that because of its isolation, certain health requirements can only be met by the existence of highly trained professionals in this field. That will be the driving or personal reason behind your desire to study this course.
Go on to explain why you chose this particular university. You cannot just say that you are "completely interested in all the modules offered". That is like saying "I like ice cream, any flavor". It doesn't establish the reasons why you feel only this university can help you achieve the improvements that you hope to bring to your island. Explain what attracted you to the curriculum instead. Do not discuss your work related experience yet. That is to be discussed in the SOP. The PS, is only meant to explain the foundation of your interest and why you feel like you will be a good match for your chosen university.
