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As a young leader, I have impressive accomplishments and scholarship will move me forward


Mustafa93 1 / 1  
Oct 21, 2017   #1

Leadership question in chevening



The leader Is not only the person who set the direction but also build an inspiring vision and create a something new to a achieve his goals in smooth and efficient way.

From an early age. I revealed my desire and aspiration to work out,so I used to clean up the mosque with my neighbors and this was a starting point to my leadership and influence. I went through a lot of difficult events from my childhood until now which made me realize about the life. That brought me good qualities, including leadership and influence skills.

In 2013 we decided with my colleague to establish a society to link all university students of my village to discuss and solve all the shortage in vital services needed by the villagers. I selected to be Academic Secretory for for the first round of our association . According to my excellent performance I selected for General-Secretary position my vision for second round was to build a new primary school due to large number of students in the classes exceed 90 student per class. So I called for a meeting to solve this problems and choose two committees one to get a permission from ministry of education to build the school and another committee to search for funding for this project and I one of a second committee so I create a What 'Sapp Group added all my village supporters from and out Sudan. But we faces a lot of problems to collect enough money and finally we contacted German International Cooperation GIZ and GIZ accepted to fund 90 percent of total cost. Finally with cooperation with GIZ the primary school built and it will open in the next intake 2018. As a leader, I am passionate about organization activity. I had a fantastic opportunity to enhance my skills through voluntary works.

I have never been afraid to take part in competitions. I participated in more than five conferences and international seminars. In addition, I participated in two championships one is PetroBowl which sponsored by Society of Petroleum Engineering SPE. We create a simulator to simulate the oil production by secondary method which was sponsored by Scientific Innovation Care Authority.

To sum up, leaders create chances to change their society and country, influences a group towards the goal achievement to refine life quality. As a young leader, I have good accomplishments, Chevening scholarship will move me forward, I'll acquire new knowledge, which I bring back to my country to develop quality of petroleum industries.

jac6198 2 / 4  
Oct 22, 2017   #2
In my opinion, this is a leadership essay lacking the elements of being infleuntial. You could elaborate further how you manage to influence and convince the others to support your work.
lhy1216 2 / 4 2  
Oct 22, 2017   #3
Hi Mustafa,

I got some suggestion for your essay.

... realize about themy life.

According to my excellent performance, I selected for the General-Secretary position, my vision for the second round ... due to a large number of ...

... solve this problems and choose two committees, one to get ... for this project, and I one of ... But we faces a lot of ... and finally, we contacted ...

I participated in two championships, one is PetroBowl ...
sgassani 7 / 22 5  
Oct 22, 2017   #4
@Mustafa93

I think your third paragraph is the only paragraph that explains your leadership ability.The second and fourth paragraph do not really relate to that. And the statement in your last paragraph does not have enough supporting evidence.

You also need lots of work in the grammar section.

I believe you could do better :)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,311 3347  
Oct 22, 2017   #5
Mustafa, your essay needs to focus its leadership and influencing abilities only on the school building project. That is the one that seems most relevant to the prompt that asks you to prove that you have leadership and influencing skills that can be of use to you and the scholarship program in the future. However, you have to focus on your role alone. You claim to have been the Academic Secretary for the organization. Is that something like the president of the organization? You need to clarify that point because the term "secretary" normally connotes a supporting role in an organization. Explain that this is the top ranking role instead. That is, if the role is indeed at the top of the position chain in the organization. The What'sApp software reference doesn't really portray a leadership or influencing role on your part so you can safely remove that reference. Build instead on the partnership that you had to establish with the German International Cooperation. Don't discuss "we", discuss "I" and how you accomplished leadership and influencing tasks that led to their participation in the funding of the school. Skip the part about competitions. That removes the impact of the previous paragraph. Develop the whole essay around the GIZ collaboration instead. That will show leadership and influencing skills on a national level for you at the very least.
bnrdhmsnt 4 / 14 5  
Oct 22, 2017   #6
Hi Mustafa, I think the school building project is an awesome experience of leadership and networking. Let me try to give you some suggestion

1. In whatsapp group part, instead of just create it and adding participants, you can explain further your role in leading a discussion via those group. I think that will shows your influencing skill more, rather than just creating the group. However, if your role is limited to creating and adding participants, I suggest you to take Holt suggestion to remove it.

2. In the below part, I suggest you to elaborate your active role when your work group encounter a problem. What did you do? What was the reaction of your teammates related to your idea?What was the result

a. But we faces a lot of problems to collect enough money

What kind roles did you take in initiating this cooperation?Was the person in GIZ is one of your acquintance, friends, or else, so they finally funding your project?

finally we contacted German International Cooperation GIZ and GIZ accepted to fund 90 percent of total cost.

I think I agree with Holt to use term "I' rather than "we", because currently you have to try to present your leadership and networking skill, so you have to be focused more on your work. I hope my suggestion is helpful. Goodluck with your application :)
bnrdhmsnt 4 / 14 5  
Oct 22, 2017   #7
Hi Mustafa, your essay is getting better. However, in my opinion you should give as well as omit some irrelevant information.

"finally we contacted German International Cooperation GIZ"
Specify your role when your group made a contact with GIZ.

I have been leading discussion via this group eventually the target money collected
What kind of discussion initiation which you made? What did you say to convince the WhatsApp grup member to donate their money?

I think you should remove the part in which you tell about your participation in championships as it is irrelevant to the prompt. Unless you can explain your leadership role in creating the simulator, it is best to remove that particular story. As a replacement of this experience, you could add some information about your leadership at work lately, considering that the school building project took place in 2013, which is more than two years ago and it is most likely to be considered as less relevant. However, in my opinion this story has a strong potential to demonstrate your leadership and networking abilities if you can elaborate it well.

As an addition, I suggest you to crosscheck or ask some proofreader to work on your English as I found some grammatical error in your essay such as, "I have been leading discussion via this group " -> it should be I led the discussion via this group

Moreover, there are sentences which are too long and make the reader confused and hard to get your idea. I think such trivial matters are need to handle, as we don't want our opportunity to get scholarship wasted just because a small problem :)


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