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The youth and immorality. I am writing an essay for Chevening Scholarship.

BrianBrown984 1 / -  
Sep 12, 2019   #1
I would like help with editing or suggestions

chevening scholarship application

After graduating from college, I joined a private radio station as a volunteer and rose to the position of the head of programs. Throughout the time I was rising opportunities presented themselves for me to show my leadership skills. There were times when I had to lead in training new recruits and help them be in a position to be on the radio. This was done by having a one on one practical session with the new recruits on and off the radio.

Through the radio I started producing a radio program that was focusing on environment and development. It was through this program that my eyes opened to a new world of challenges. I started interacting with community leaders together with my co-producer who is an environmental specialist. My interaction with the audience extended from just being on the radio to being with the people and hear them out. My interaction with the community leaders led me into another problem that I never thought of. The youth and immorality.

To be honest, there was nothing I really thought of up until I met two Canadians who have a company that does outsourcing from third world countries. After a talk over coffee with them, I thought of asking if they could set up an office in my home town Lilongwe where they would employ the young ones as data entry clerks for their company. I was asked to write a simple proposal to them and that they would discuss it at their board meeting. I thank God the proposal passed and the idea was bought. We have a site in Lilongwe that employees more than 30 young people who have just graduated from secondary/high schools. This is keeping them busy hence stopping them from being involved in immoral behavior. Apart from preventing them from indulging in immoral behavior, we also equip them with computer and office skills, making them employable. I am the site supervisor and I oversee training, recruiting new staff when the other ones have moved on in different directions of career paths

Maria - / 1,100 389  
Sep 15, 2019   #2
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope this feedback serves you well in the future. I wish you luck in your application for Chevening as well!

First and foremost, I would suggest that you opt for a more formalized approach to the introduction paragraph. While it was great that you were approaching the situation with a heads-on approach, it would have been better if you could have utilized this space to introduce fundamental details in the text that are critical for establishing your essay as well.

Now, having said that, the next parts of the essay also lacked in structure and organization. I would suggest that you try to minimize the usage of complex sentences to evade the misuse of spacing and marks. Try to be cautious of the punctuation throughout. Take, for instance, the last paragraph. Adding too many chunks of text without necessarily having a stable structure impedes the overall growth that you have.

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