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(My daily activities) - introduction for speech class


dandanos 1 / -  
Feb 4, 2012   #1
Hello ,hasan from morocco , I'm taking a computer science as a major , I have done an associate of degree in my country which was a computer networking , and this semester is going to be the third semester at Ccac , I have left one more semester to graduate then transfer either to California university or university of Pittsburgh. I would like to give you a brief about my self ,my, background , my interest and my goal .

I was born in Meknes city located 81 mi from the capital Rabat ,I spent whole my childhood and adolescence in my neighborhood called Kasbah which is one of the oldest place in Meknes ,

My daily activities was going to school , playing with friends , watching TV and sometimes doing a bad things like all teenage.
When I was 21 I came to united states , it was my turning point in my life , because I had to adapt myself with a new life away from my family , doing things which I was not doing it when I was back home , and taking responsibility of myself . I still remember the first day I got here as it was yesterday , I was on the verge of tears , that time I really wanted to go back to my country but the life sometimes forces you to leave what you love .

Some of my interests are reading and writing in foreign language including English ,I speak Moroccan language (dialogue) , Arabic ,French and little bit of English ,I also like to work out , traveling , and I really enjoyed swimming and solving math problems .

One of the reason that brought me here is to achieve my goal ,graduation in my major is my principal goal ,also improving my communication skills in English language will help me in my daily life as well as to get a good job.

I believe no one can possibly achieve any real and lasting success or "get rich" in business by being a impatient or droning.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 21, 2015   #2
Kaka, I do not believe that saying you did bad things like any teenager is a good thing ot place in your introductory essay. You should always do your best to make people like yo uby saying positive things about yourself. Your extra curricular activities are not as interesting as you make it sound. Rather than the commonplace activities that you participate in, present an activity that comes across as an extra curricular volunteer activity so that you can present a sociocivic minded side of your personality. The spirit of volunteerism is always positively accepted in an introduction speech. Place the part about when you came to the United States at the start of the essay. That is important information that will explain a lot about you without your having to say anything to the audience and should not be kept for the middle or end part of the essay. I would however, like you to build up that information by telling the audience a little about the struggles and obstacles that you had to overcome when you first arrived. Just to paint a picture of who you were before you were touched by the melting pot culture. It will also explain your desire to learn the English language at a higher level.
EF_Sheri - / 27 22  
Jan 21, 2015   #3
Hello! You have some interesting hobbies, and I love that you speak several languages!

When looking at your intro, the biggest issue is run-on sentences and too many phrases in a single sentence. There is an excessive overuse of commas when phrases should be single sentences. I've explained below using your first paragraph.

Hello ,I amhH asan from mM orocco ,.

The phrasing and sentences are awkward here.

I'm taking a computer science as a major, I have done an associate of degree in my country which was a computer networking , and this semester is going to be the third semester at Ccac , I have left one more semester to graduate then transfer either to California university or university of Pittsburgh. I would like to give you a brief about my self ,my, background , my interest and my goal .

It is better to start this sentence in a way that introduces your associates degree and then add that you are pursing your bachelor's as a computer science major. For example, After obtaining my associates in computer networking, I enrolled as a computer science major. This will be my third semester at CCAC. After I graduate, I plan to transfer to either California University or the University of Pittsburgh.

Then open the next paragraph with information about yourself, your background, interests, and goals.

Remember, try to use concise sentences. Simple is better and conveys what you want to your audience to know in a way that captures their attention.

Last, I am not sure what you mean by "droning" so you might want to clarify or chose another word. :)

I believe no one can possibly achieve any real and lasting success or "get rich" in business by being a impatient or droning.


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