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'Envy, angry emotions' - What can I add or take out to make this speech better?

Tedwards98 3 / 2  
Jan 9, 2016   #1
Please don't judge this gramatically, this is simply a rough draft. I am not submitting this for any sort of grade, this is only for a competition that I have of friday.

I often find myself in envy. Angry emotions towards those who have more than me. Watching my mother constantly get rejected from job to job pains me, she constantly took it out on me. At first this made me resent her, then I slowly started to understand her frustration towards her constant shortcomings. I can deal with it. The thing that gets me mad is being told I can't do something because of my financial situation. Being told "I didn't think you would make it this far" or "Coming from your situation, this is an accomplishment" what I accomplish has nothing to do with financial opportunities. These are simply backhanded compliments that are not intended to motivate me, but to show one's surprise. Being offered free stuff, whether it be from a friend or the government I feel dissatisfied. I feel as if I can't support myself, but of course I have to take the opportunities provided.

Financial discrimination is not only the incapability of having money, it's those around you having pity for you, it's battling with the constant feeling that you will never be independent. Financial discrimination is the greatest opponent I have contended with. Coming to a fork in the road trying to decide, either to work hard to obtain the stuff I need, or to take it. But at the same time it's a fun journey. Not being able to go to sleep because I fantasize about how successful my future will be. It's funny how I tell people what I want to accomplish and they just brush it off. Being financially disabled is what sparks my ambition. I don't look down at what little I have, I look up towards my future. Everytime I procrastinate I just look around my neighborhood and I start to tear. Not because I'm sad, but because with the very little I have makes me understand that diamonds are made under pressure.

I don't want to be successful, I need to be. I need it to move my mom out the neighborhood that I am currently in, I need it to help my community and others and provide opportunities that I can't clutch. This is not an over exaggeration, I want to be successful as bad as I want to breath. If I achieve my aspirations, I could eradicate financial discrimination. I don't care whether I inspire one community or one nation. As long as I help somebody, I'll be happy. But if I don't, I fear we will be stuck in the same circle we already are currently in.

You see, financial discrimination is the necessary evil in the world. It's what motivates people to better the world, it's the bridge between lower class and the middle class, the middle class and the upper class. But at the same time it's what brings the demise of the weak, it's the difference between, "I will" and "I quit". Financial discrimination is not only a motivator to do better, but to do worse. When you discriminate against people financially it pushes them to the edge. You strip opportunities from them so they have to fight to survive, whether it be legal or illegal. Discriminating causes you to look down upon people who have less than you so they want to look superior.

On the other end, a risk is similar. When a person succeeds, they might forget where they came from and only use their money for selfish gain which is bad for our society. In conclusion, I see the positives and negatives in this type of discrimination. This makes me work upon myself in every aspect. This makes me realise that the perfect time for something does not have to exist. There is no perfect time I can play the lottery and win it, I have to create this opportunity. If there was that opportunity we all would be rich. Every community would have gold roads and skyscrapers. The wealthiest place on the earth is not any private community, but it is the graveyard, because in the graveyard lie so many ambitions that died with it's creators, I am now officially awake, financial discrimination is not a positive nor negative thing, it's a entity that we have complete control over, it is us...
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 9, 2016   #2
Ted, I am a bit confused as to what the true focus of your speech is. Normally, the introduction of the speech sets the tone, theme, and discussion points for the written work. With regards to your speech, I thought that you would be discussing envy and how it developed, affected, and created the person you have become. After all, that was the hook of your opening statement. than it turns out that envy isn't the root discussion of your paper. Rather, the speech is about "financial discrimination".

As a speech regarding financial discrimination, the later parts of your essay comes across as compelling, thoughtful, strong, and passionate. It is obvious that you have lived through financial discrimination and overcome it. Therefore, you should adjust your introduction to focus immediately on financial discrimination and how it affected your mother, your life, and produced the mindset that you currently have. The essay is very good except for the introduction. So adjusting that portion should make the paper stronger and more cohesive in content :-)

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