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Speech in the form of auto-presentation for school interview

yvonneeee 1 / -  
Feb 8, 2018   #1

self introduce for school interview

Good morning teachers and fellow candidates
I'm yvoone from XXX government secondary school
This is my honour to speak here today
I remember when I was still the junior form student I made my determination to become a nurse cus that day I was going to have a review check with my parents unfortunately they're both are classified as hypertension and diabetes

as we all known those are chronic diseases once i have made the decision I tried to attend some related courses cus I know my academics results are not as good as the others that's why I would like to put more effort in the extra curriculum or the courses to absorb more theory as much as I can

Thereby i can confirm my determination and I can get more knowledge for guiding my parents to return the correct living Style
For the passing years I was keep trying different courses like venous cannulation and blood taking courses , care related supporting courses and exercise therapy courses so I can get more preperation for my dream

Practical experience is also important apart from the theory part, that's why I I have joined the quality health care nursing agency for about 2 years they can offer me an opportunity that I can really work under a real situation in hospital right now I'm engaging another part time job as well that is a dental clinic

Through this experience I was hoping that I can show enough of my passion and how eager that I want to become a nurse
At last, I want to say thank you again for having me today
Thank you

this is my self-introduce speech can anybody help me to do the correction? I know my sentence structure and grammar are not perfect, that's why I'm asking for help

plz plz plz
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,519 3442  
Feb 9, 2018   #2
@yvonneeee please, I know that English is not your first language, but you should not be using it in such a slang and unrespectable manner in your essay either. Learn how to spell properly at the very least. Use proper words instead of slang or SMS terms. Say "because" instead of "cus". It may sound cool to speak "slang" among your peers but in an academic setting, you are just proving to be disrespectful and not even concerned about the image of yourself you are portraying to others.

By the way, your parents are "hypertensive" and "diabetic". They are not "hypertension" and "diabetes", those are the names of their illnesses. The patients suffering from those illnesses are called by a different name or description. That is what I referred to in my correction.

There are too many grammar mistakes in your essay for it to pass for simple free editing and review. You have a few options at this point. Either use our "Services" link above in order to gain professional help with your essay, write a new essay using a word processing program that automatically corrects your sentence structure and grammar problems such as Word 2016, or use a free grammar checker to help you correct and improve the presentation you currently have.

If you decide to try and write a new version of this essay, you need to make sure that you accomplish a few things within it:

1. Introduce yourself in an academic sounding manner
2. Present the reason that you are speaking to your classmates and why it is an important topic to you
3. Describe the reasons for your dream in a clear manner
4. Present your supporting reasons or preparations to achieve this dream
5. Indicate how soon you hope to achieve your ambition

You need to use the correct word processing program or at get professional help to clean up this paper. The thought process is all over the place at the moment and the overall paper doesn't have a definitive direction that would help to establish what the point of the presentation is all about. That is why you need more than just free advice regarding how to fix this presentation. The problems are too extensive to be fixed with just one free advice.

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