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'I'm interested in many things' - Introducing Myself


ramzysalem 1 / 3  
Dec 24, 2015   #1
This is an example of what I'm write to introduce myself, i ask if its good or not ?

Hi,
My name is Ramzy Salem, I have 19 years old, I am from Palestine, I live in gaza
I'm currently studying at Gaza Community/Training Center at the last year of my study to get an associate diploma degree in business and office practice, after graduation and getting a diploma degree I will complete my study in Business administration to get a bachelor degree, I can say I'm the best student at my specialize with a rate of 94.5%, so I think it's a great opportunity to join to your university to study there to get many experiences and skills in Business Administration and in life in general.

However, I hope to be a successful businessman in near future also I'm interested in many things such as music, reading and writing short novels, watching movies, playing football, web development, create and modify pictures, music and video.
Ssakshijain 28 / 146 87  
Dec 25, 2015   #2
Hi Ramzysalem

I can say that I am excellent. I doubt if this would work, rather try to write your accomplishment instead of giving just academic grades. Hope this helps :)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Dec 26, 2015   #3
Ramzy, here is my take on your introduction:

Hello,

I am Ramzy Salem. I am 19 years old and I come from Gaza, Palestine. As you can probably guess, I am still a student. I am currently enrolled at the Gaza Community Training Center in my last year of study for an associate degree in Business and office Practice. After I graduate, I hope to go on to a 4 year university course majoring in business Administration.

Not to brag but, I am one of the best students at the training center at the moment. I have a grade ranking of 94.5 %. A grade that I hope will help me gain entry into your university as a Business Administration student.

While I ambition to become a successful businessman in the future through my academic interests, I also enjoy extra curricular activities such as listening to music, reading and writing short novels, watching movies, playing football, web development, creating and modifying pictures, and producing music and videos.


At the moment, what you lack is an effective closing statement. Do you have any idea as to what you want to say? By the way, who are you addressing this letter to? If you are addressing it to the university reviewer, you might be using too much of an informal tone. You need to sound academic when addressing the officials of the university.
OP ramzysalem 1 / 3  
Dec 26, 2015   #4
Ssakshijain

i focus in describe and mention my grads because i introduce my self to university
OP ramzysalem 1 / 3  
Dec 26, 2015   #5
vangiespen

Thank you
i really want an effective closing statement but i dont know what may i use
Could you give me an example of it ?
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Dec 26, 2015   #6
Ramzy, before I can give you an example of an effective closing statement for your letter, I must first understand what the purpose of your letter is. Who is the letter addressed to? Why were you asked to write this letter? What information should the letter contain? Kindly provide me with answers to my questions because only by knowing this information will I be able to help you better write and conclude your letter.

At the moment, your letter is only a simple introduction. Now, the closing address could also be just as simple, but I need to know what information is expected first. Hopefully, you can tell provide me with the guidelines I need so that I can show you a proper example of how to close this letter. Is this supposed to be a cover letter for your application? Is it supposed to be addressed to the dean of the department or someone important?

I look forward to receiving the additional information from you as soon as possible so that I can help you better develop the overall content and conclusion of your letter :-)
OP ramzysalem 1 / 3  
Dec 26, 2015   #7
vangiespen

ok

i create this introduction for Uppsala university which asked me to create video in which i introduce myself in English language to apply for a scholarship in Business Administration, to prove that i have a good English language

the information should contain is any information about me just to prove my abilities in English language
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Dec 26, 2015   #8
Ramzy, now that I know what you have to do with the introduction speech, not letter, I know how to better present the information and how to conclude it. I will present my suggested script for your video shoot below:

Hi, my name is Ramzy Salem. I'm 19 years old and I reside in Gaza, Palestine. As you can probably tell from my age, I am still in school. However, I am not a university student like most kids my age. Due to the conflict in my country, the best education I can receive is an Associate Degree in Business and Office Practice from the Gaza Community Training Center. Right now, my biggest dream in life is to attend a 4 year Business Administration college course in a country where I won't have to fear for my life each day that I go to school.

In order to go to school overseas though, I need to get a scholarship to help pay for my tuition fees. As one of the highest ranking students at the center with an average grade of 94.5%, I am trying to get a scholarship as a full scholar to an overseas university as a Business Administration student.

While I ambition to become a successful businessman in the future through my academic interests, I also enjoy extra curricular activities such as listening to music, reading and writing short novels, watching movies, playing football, web development, creating and modifying pictures, and producing music and videos.

All things considered, I would like to believe that I am the kind of college student that would have a shot at a scholarship. I hope that your scholarship committee will deem me a suitable candidate and grant me the opportunity to attend college with the financial aid of your foundation. Thank you.


This is my suggested script for your use. You can memorize this and use it in your video or you can use it to help you create your own script. Good luck with your application :-)
janet777 1 / 2 1  
Dec 26, 2015   #9
Hi Ramzy,

Why not try to introduce more about your passion in Business Administration and why you are attracted to your target school? Adding these parts could make your intro more convincing.

Janet


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