Ladies and gentlemen,
The very fact that I'm alive and here to make a speech is a miracle of life itself. Granted this precious chance, I'd like to tell you the one thing that matters to me the most---the will to survive. 3 years ago I nearly lost my life to the hand of Death in the act of an unseccessful suicide. At that time, I suffered a mild depression over something I couldn't change, a depression that practically ruined my life from the inside out. Just as every depressed person would do, I shut myself in and refused to reach out to whoever around me. Being a rather quiet person, I never drew much attention and nor did my depression. But soon things were going worse that I began to allow the desperation to consume myself and even conduct my own death in my mind. In this one very clear morning, I woke up in tears and despair. And the next thing I knew, I was on a bridge wanting to jump off. With great fear, I did jump. And all I could feel was the roaring wind slicing my ear and then the pounding of the cold water against my skin. Unable to close my mouth, I was choked by the water rushing into my lungs and my head was filled with pain beyond words. But soon it was taken over by the will to survive. All thoughts about life were gone except that I had to swim to the bank. And I did.
As a pheonix rises from the ash, I found my rebirth from the river. I survived and I changed after going through the pain I've never had before. From the greatest pain I gathered the greatest strengths. Since then I've grown to see that life is the water that's constantly trying to drown me. My will to survive gives me the anchor that I can always use to drag myself back to the bank as long as I hold on to it. Throughout the years, I succeed as much as I fail in many things. There are still all kinds of frustration and disappointment that force to give up on what's impossile yet I really desire. But what I learn from my past is that nothing is worse than the loss of one's life. To say one has to conquer all is a gross understatement because one can always turn away and swim to the bank to see a much better world from far beyond.
Thank you.
Here are some changes I will suggest to help make your speech a little easier to understand. There were very few changes you needed to make.
1st paragraph
1st sentence: Place a comma between the word speech and is.
2nd sentence: I would suggest opening this 2nd sentence with, "With this second chance" rather than, Granted this precious chance.
3rd sentence: Spell 3 rather than represent it by a number. Also, I'm just going to suggest changing part of the sentence to "lost my life in an unsuccessful suicide attempt".
4th sentence: suffered from
5th sentence: reach out to those
6th sentence: Comma between attention and nor
7th sentence: things were getting worse and
8th sentence: even began contemplating death or even began ruminating about death (You can choose if you want to use contemplating or ruminating)
10th sentence: jump off into the waters below. (I only asked you to clarify it for your reader or audience. If you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to add waters below.)
2nd paragraph:
1st sentence: Phoenix is misspelled.
2nd sentence: going through a pain I never experienced before (I'm unsure if this is what you mean.)
There is a sentence towards the end that I need help understanding. I'm only confused by this sentence because I don't know if you feel forced to give up on things that are impossible but you truly desire.
The last sentence, I want you to place a comma between understatement and because. I'm unsure if you want to end with a better world ahead.
You are very brave for telling your story. I hope these changes help you.
Hi, Sebhoom. I'm going to correct the grammar and word choice in some of your sentences. I'm only pasting the sentences I worked on:
The very fact that I'm alive and here to make a speech is a miracle oflifeitself .
Just as everyany depressed person would do, I shut myself inup and refused to reach out to whoeverthose around me.
Being a rather quiet person, I never drew much attention to myself, and nor did my depression went unnoticed . I suggest you say something here like this: I struggled, but somehow managed to "keep it together."
But soon things were goinggot worse.
that I began to allow the desperation to consume memyself and even conductcontemplated my own death in my mind . In this One very clear morning, I woke up in tears and, feeling despair. And The next thing I knew, I was on a bridge wanting to jump off.
But soon the will to surviveit was takentook over by the will to survive . All thoughts about life were gone, except the knowledge that I had to swim to the bank.
AsLike thea pheonix that rises from the ash, I found my rebirthwas reborn from the river. I survived and I changed after going through the pain I've never had before. From the greatestthis pain, I gathereddeveloped strengththe greatest strengths . Since then I've growncome to see that life is the water that's constantly trying to drown me (this makes it sound like you are still very depressed...) . My will to survive gives me the anchor (I don't think "anchor" makes sense here. Anchors could pull you down to the bottom of the river, drowning you) that I can always use to drag myself back to the bank as long as I hold on to it. Throughout the years, I succeed as much as I fail in many things. There are still all kinds of frustrations and disappointments that force to give up on what's impossile yet I really desiregoals and aspirations . (Maybe you could rephrase these sentiments in a more positive way. Consider something like this: While life has the potential to drag you under just like the river that I almost allowed to drown me, I have developed the strength to persevere, despite moments of sadness and discouragement.) What I learned from my past is that nothing is worse than the loss of one's life. To say that one has to conquer all is a gross understatement because one can always turn away and swim to the bank to see a much better world from far beyond. (I think this last sentence is unclear. Maybe say something along these lines: Despite life's obstacles, there is always a reason to hope, a reason to feel joy, a reason to live.) Thank you.
I hope this has helped you. I am so glad you have overcome the worst of your struggles - what an inspiring story!
I understand what you mean by shut myself in. If you are referring to being isolated, you can say, "I became isolated''.
