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The three lessons that shaped me the way I am today - hard work, education, and respect

generaltsosbeef 1 / -  
Jan 28, 2019   #1
This is what I wrote for my speech. My grammar and speech are very poor and I'm trying to improve. Could you five me some feedback and edit this to make it sound better? :D Thanks so much

How My Father Influenced Who I Am - speech

20 years ago a very intelligent and hardworking man traveled to an unknown land in search of a better life. He started with nothing to opening a restraint, starting a family and buying a house. That man was my dad. My name is Ricky. Today I'm going to tell you how my dad has helped shaped me the way I am today by teaching me hard work, education, and respect.

The first lesson my dad taught me was the value of hard work. My grandparents were poor, they had no money and lived in a small village. Every day my dad would wake up early and help my grandparents with farm work. When my dad was 20 years old, he moved to the United States in search of a better life. My dad had little to no money and didn't know English. When he arrived in the United States, he found a job at a Chinese Restaurant. He would work 12 hours a day and 7 days a week. After work, he would teach him English every day. Eventually, he saved enough and opened a restaurant and started a family. Ever since I was a kid my dad would always tell me to always work hard.

The next lesson my dad taught me was the importance of education. My dad never attended high school as a child because my grandparents were poor. My dad is a very smart man, everyone in my family goes to him for help. But my dad is always teaching himself new knowledge and skills. He taught himself English and learned how to open a restaurant. My dad said to me that "Education will help me become successful". That encourages me to work hard in school, so I can find a good job to support a family and have a happy life.

Last thing my dad taught me was respect. In Chinese culture, respect is very important, especially to elders. My dad is respectful to everyone, because he wants to be respected. My dad once said to me "You have to respect others if you want to be respected." Since I was young, I learned to respect everyone, especially adults like teachers and family members.

In conclusion, the three lessons that shaped me the way I am today taught me was hard work, education, and respect.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,535 3447  
Jan 29, 2019   #2
Rickie, please take note of several presentation errors you made in the essay:

1. Your dad did not open a "restraint", he opened a restaurant;
2. Who taught your dad English? You said "He would teach him." The correct phrase is "He would teach himself English";
3. You cannot start a sentence with a connecting word. Instead of saying "But my dad..." You can simple start with "My dad..." There is no previous thought process to connect therefore there is no need for the connecting word "but".

4. Avoid redundancies / repetitions. You repeated that he opened a restaurant and taught himself English twice. Replace that with other information related to how his life lessons helped shape who you are today.

Unfortunately, I learned more about your father in this essay instead of how his actions helped to shape you as a person. Try to connect every lesson your father taught you with something definitive about who you were before he taught he this lesson. That way you can really say that the three lessons you learned from him helped to shape who you are today.

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