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"My father has shaped myself" - Describe the world you come from


tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 21, 2009   #1
Can somebody also read my UC Prompt #1??

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Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I have always thought that the environment in which a person lives in determines their personality and behavior, both positive and negative. The environment also shapes a person's qualities. By using the word "environment," I don't mean where a person lives, but the behaviors and words of the people around that person. My parents have told me a Chinese proverb they learned during childhood - "One takes on the color of one's company." From school, I have learned that "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

I feel very fortunate that I have great company, my family and school. My mother would always yell at me often, but it was for my benefit. When I started playing video games or playing basketball despite not finishing my homework, she would force me to finish it. As I got older, I became wiser and realized she was right, that I should set my priorities straight. Video games and a basketball will always be everywhere, but not school work.

My brothers also helped shaped my personality and behavior. My older brother never worked hard during high school, so he decided to join the Army and might be deployed to Afghanistan in January. He told me not to make the same mistake he made and that I should work hard in all activities. My little brother has helped me through optimism. When I do something bad or wrong, I should cheer myself up and do better the next time I get the opportunity.

My father has shaped myself by teaching me to have adaptation, self-discipline, tolerance, and patience. We always got into arguments as to whether who was right, who was wrong when I was young. As I got older I realized he taught me how to be patient, tolerant, and adaptive and have self-discipline indirectly. Being patient, rather than being hot-headed, has usually led me to better results. Being self-discipline and tolerant has circumvented me from potential and fights. Being adaptive allows me fit in better as he taught me that in the real world, employers expect people to adapt to them and not the other way around. The qualities I learned from my dad have and will help me in the real word.

School has played a big part in developing my personality, character, and behavior. I developed friends through class, recess, and sports. I joined school clubs, sport teams and started being more gregarious throughout my childhood years. I have made numerous friends from these activities. I learned that although school is important, it shouldn't be all work. Students should learn to enjoy themselves because if they only work throughout school without socializing, they won't become a well-rounded person.

My world has developed and shaped me into the person I am now as well as the person I will become. My parents have taught me to prioritize, be adaptive, self-discipline, tolerant, and patient. My brothers taught me to work hard and always have optimism. School has taught me to be confident and enjoy life in the moment. All of the qualities that I have obtained throughout my childhood years allow me to continue to purse my dreams and aspirations, and who I want to be.

Word count is 537 words.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 23, 2009   #2
...From school, however, I have learned the expression , "All work...

Write one more sentence after these to end the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that tells the most important message you want the reader to recieve.

I like the way you contrasted 2 different expressions.

I feel very fortunate to have...

My father has shaped my character by teaching me to have adaptation...
OP tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 23, 2009   #3
Okay adding another sentence to close the first paragraph..

These two quotes are the foundation of my world that have shaped my character.

Is that good??
OP tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 24, 2009   #4
Hope I'm not asking much.. But what do you think about the essay as a whole? A great essay? Good essay? Average?
doug 4 / 23  
Nov 24, 2009   #5
This may just be me, but I get the feeling I read your intro from another person's paper a few days ago. Almost the exact same one...

Other than that, I think you should mention what your dreams and aspirations are and how your world has shaped them.
OP tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 24, 2009   #6
Really? LOL. I just stumbled onto this site yesterday for the first time.
priscy - / 1  
Nov 24, 2009   #7
Hi Clement,

see to be good though, they have asked you to describe the world you come from, they are considering school,community,family to be each a different world.Would be good if you just pick one of them to talk about, this should be the one were you will have a number of things to talk about of which i think school or family could be okay, the community could okay if you were growing up whilst involved in community activities.

All the best
OP tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 25, 2009   #8
I have always thought that the behaviors and words of the people around a person makes up the environment in which they live in. This environment can determine their positive and negative personality and behavior. It also shapes a person's qualities. My parents have told me a Chinese proverb they learned during childhood - "One takes on the color of one's company." From school, I have learned that "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." These two quotes are the foundation of my world that have shaped my character.

So I found out I have to re-write my introduction otherwise it might be plagiarism.

is it good??
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 25, 2009   #9
I have always believed that the behaviors and words of the people around a person make up the environment in which they live. in

These two quotes serve as the foundation of the world that have shaped my character.

Just a few rough parts, but your meaning is very clear. I only suggested new words as ideas for making it sound nice.


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