I desperately need help with this one. I wasn't feeling very inspired, and I think maybe it needs more focus? I'd prefer general comments about the ideas and flow over grammatical edits. [Although I probably need a lot of those too, I didn't read over this too carefully.] Thanks!
Prompt: Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest. [500 word limit.]
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Lacking some profound artistic inspiration, I rely on the human body as my muse. My sketchbooks are filled with pages of hands and knees, the subtle contours of each joint carefully depicted in graphite. However, beauty is not only skin deep, and what lies beneath the surface is even more complex and intriguing. Although my first interest in the human body came from an appreciation for the human aesthetic, this begot a deeper curiosity of the body's inner mechanics.
I kept anatomy books at my disposal as references for my artwork, but I began reading them to understand what I was drawing. As Leonardo da Vinci dissected corpses to determine their basic structures, I did so vicariously by immersing myself in the glossy image-lined pages. What shapes the neck under that layer of skin? How does the spine bend and twist as it does? What allows us to move as gracefully as we do?
But more importantly, what stops us from moving so fluidly?
I notice the limitations of our bodies on Sunday mornings, when I play tennis with a lovely group of seniors. Though they match me step for step in enthusiasm, their knees do not allow them to dive, sprint, or dash as I do. When we rest against the chain-link fence, I see them adjust their knee and elbow braces, those ubiquitous black straps, and I feel slightly guilty that my joints still function so well. These pangs of guilt return during my walk home from the bus stop; my little sister lags behind, hindered by chronic ankle pain.
Coupled with my fascination for the structures of the body, it is a desire to both understand and resolve these bitter moments that draws me to biomedical engineering at Cornell. As a student of art, I find a certain awe in replicating the master work of Mother Nature, while as a student of math and science, I see a design problem waiting for an answer. However, I am motivated most by a desire to improve the lives of my loved ones.
At Cornell, I find inspiration in Professor Larry Bonassar's work on growing bone and tendon tissues, studies that could potentially reverse years of wear and tear on elderly knees and elbows. With Cornell's Engineering Learning Initiatives, I could get involved in joint replacement research with a faculty mentor, while outside of the classroom, student project teams would give me the opportunity to cooperate on ideas with a group of peers. For now, I am content with simply drawing the human body, but perhaps with a Cornell education under my belt, I will be able to design joint implants that are as beautiful as they are functional in the future.
However, beauty is not only skin deep, and what lies beneath the surface is even more complex and intriguing.
This is a great sentence.
To edit your essay, just post a new draft.
Coupled with my fascination for the structures of the body, it is a desire to resolve these
bitter moments that draws me to biomedical engineering at Cornell.---> let's not call them bittersweet. Let's just call them bitter, because they are painful.
This is very impressive to me. I like your reference to a faculty member. If you have time and want to be extra impressive, read a book or article about modern advances. The essay made me think of a book called The Body Electric by Becker. You will enjoy that one.
Thanks, Kevin! Made that change. I wish I had the time to read that book, I checked it out online and it seems pretty interesting. Alas. I may just pick it up after college apps though.
as promised... i have finished my own cornell engineering piece.
for starters. I feel like i need to go back and edit my own piece. because yours simply blows mine out of the water. it also doesn't help that we're both applying for the same major :). Much like your quest to seek joint fluidity, your essay has an easy fluidity to it as well. After reading it, I've realized that your piece has a very pleasant progression.
Frankly it's focused and eloquent and I hate to say it but i don't know what advice I can give you to improve your essay - it's marvelous.
sorry i wasn't much help. :/
