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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 196)

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Global - Networking NYU - Why NYU?

2 - It should end on some anecdote about NYU, because otherwise it sounds cut off. Good job though!...

Undergraduatenp9494 - Dec 29, 2011 / marshizzle1 - Dec 29, 2011
"The Wanderer' -- Common App Essay

3 - Nice essay! Overall it looks pretty good, you've got some longer sentences you might want to rephrase so they...

Undergraduatebookbug_xd - Dec 29, 2011 / music920 - Dec 29, 2011
'the environment I love' - Why NYU? essay question

10 - as well as a competitive edge small typo churning of new ideas , ethnicities, beliefs and thoughts I...

Undergraduateanshikav - Dec 11, 2011 / calvinwang - Dec 29, 2011
Letter to Roomate for my Stanford Essay

2 - My name is Aabhas Singh, which you have the chance to mangle and edit.---funny! Nonetheless, I still retain...

Undergraduatetaman121 - Dec 29, 2011 / EF_Susan - Dec 29, 2011
'My body and world around me' - Stanford Essay: Intellectual vitality

2 - The second paragraph about the summer reading needs to flow better with the rest of it. Right now it...

Undergraduatesailorb111 - Dec 29, 2011 / anshikav - Dec 29, 2011
'high Calcium concentration' - JHU Supplement

9 - Thank you so much for all your efforts in editing my essay. I also greatly appreciate all your comments...

Undergraduatedesertautumn - Dec 28, 2011 / desertautumn - Dec 29, 2011
UVA Supplement essay "Work of art that has surprised or unsettled you"

3 - You passion really comes through in this! "I wanted to listen to something uplifting, something more pleasurable to...

Undergraduatejonnyboy2 - Dec 29, 2011 / JB123 - Dec 29, 2011
Stanford Essay: What matters to you, and why? Wanna be done today so let me know :)

3 - 1. The topic of sailing is quite unique, but to me the essay reads as a bit dry. Sentences...

Undergraduatesailorb111 - Dec 29, 2011 / teoth5 - Dec 29, 2011
'passionate about the School Government' Something didn't go according to the plan

4 - I really feel dissappointed after this essay, not in you, but for you. It's clearly well written, but I...

Undergraduatekruthimohan - Dec 28, 2011 / nodumblonde1616 - Dec 29, 2011
"Paralysis" - Topic of my Choice--Common App Personal Essay

3 - Thank you Aromie for the feedback :) Greatly appreciated!...

Undergraduatenamonty7 - Dec 28, 2011 / namonty7 - Dec 29, 2011
'Playing poker and meeting new people' - Stanford- Letter to roommate essay

4 - ya sure thing...

Undergraduatecharlie422 - Dec 29, 2011 / charlie422 - Dec 29, 2011
Standford roommate essay! I want to be done today so let me know what you think.

4 - **updated version** Hey roomie! Well, we are about to embark on a journey that will change our lives in...

Undergraduatesailorb111 - Dec 29, 2011 / sailorb111 - Dec 29, 2011
'Split South Africa' - CommonApp (Diversity Encounter/Experience)

3 - I'm a drum major at Walton, and I was born in South Africa! "unify a large, extremely diverse group...

UndergraduateEigenvector - Dec 28, 2011 / jebhogiaye - Dec 29, 2011
"American Airman" | Topic #1 Common Application

5 - Yes that is what I was going for, thank you I am going to change it to say i'm...

Undergraduatecmaher92 - Dec 29, 2011 / cmaher92 - Dec 29, 2011
Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Development

3 - Then, there is was! "A posse ad esse." -from possibility to actuality. maybe try to explain this part...

Undergraduateangelserenite - Dec 29, 2011 / sailorb111 - Dec 29, 2011
JHU Supplement essay 2: "Freedom Writers"

4 - Frankly, in a little over 200 words, you've managed to captive the essence of your character, and values. I...

Undergraduatedesertautumn - Dec 28, 2011 / P334243 - Dec 29, 2011
A Little About Me

3 - all-nighters-coffee -and-work-hard night' s pizza I enjoyed reading your essay. The only suggestion I would make is...

UndergraduateJB123 - Dec 29, 2011 / Prettywings - Dec 29, 2011
Moving Boxes 18-inch by 24-inch - Common App essay

10 - Good Job! its a good essay with a lot of emotion! I think you need to find some other...

UndergraduateJerlynn - Dec 29, 2011 / muznaa23 - Dec 29, 2011
Common App Topic of your choice "Frankenstein"

5 - In Pre-Calculus class, my teacher, Mr. Andrews, inspired my passion for mathematics through his problem solving exercises. Every Friday,...

Undergraduatejebhogiaye - Dec 29, 2011 / nr554 - Dec 29, 2011
'exploring the opposing interests' - Stanford letter to roommate... need to reduce length.

4 - (Although the constant sun and nice climate of Paolo Alto probably won't provide much to discuss on that front)....

Undergraduatezkachmer - Dec 29, 2011 / fishie21 - Dec 29, 2011
"Failure is not an option"; Stanford Intellectual Vitality

4 - The essay is good, but I'm not that impressed with it. This essay is likely to get you wait...

Undergraduatetheboss639 - Dec 29, 2011 / makman09 - Dec 29, 2011
UIUC ESSAY #2 Interest/Experience

2 - I think you should stick to one or two significant events in your music life which really stood out...

Undergraduateangaduday - Dec 29, 2011 / desertautumn - Dec 29, 2011
Realizing what I am doing

4 - I agree with the first two posters. You should make clear why you decided to join red cross and...

Undergraduatepaw1168 - Dec 29, 2011 / deremifri - Dec 29, 2011
Taking a nap, math, Tupac & Biggie, Violinist, Yale class - Yale Short Responses

5 - All of your answers are related to you as a person, but i'm not really sure about Q#3. I...

UndergraduateBigBoob15 - Dec 29, 2011 / singh955 - Dec 29, 2011
NYU SUPPLEMENT- In n Out, Socratic Seminars, Sewing (badly)

21 - For the third: I tend to spew out tangled contraptions that can not be considered wearable If...

Undergraduatekarissa_a16 - Dec 29, 2011 / lwest94 - Dec 29, 2011
intellectual engagement essay (for college app)

8 - Very well said, and I agree with 100% of what you've said. However, I also think you need to...

UndergraduatePottergirl19 - Dec 29, 2011 / desertautumn - Dec 29, 2011
"Key Club" - CommonApp Short Response

4 - To Zach: The second sentence is really a continuation of the first. So it reads like this: "Key Club...

UndergraduateCollegeHopefuls - Dec 29, 2011 / CollegeHopefuls - Dec 29, 2011
'A finished melody' - Why Connecticut College?

2 - I like your comparison because you are comparing it to something that was meaningful to you but that's what...

Undergraduaterahilsavani - Dec 29, 2011 / TheN3094 - Dec 29, 2011
Cornell : School of Industrial and Labor Relations Essay

3 - makman09 Thanks Makman. Let me take a look at yours....

Undergraduatepangarebonitao - Dec 29, 2011 / pangarebonitao - Dec 29, 2011
I have always wanted to become a successful businessman ; AUBG

NEW - Throughout my lifetime I have always wanted to become a successful businessman and make something great and valuable for...

Undergraduatesvanchika - Dec 29, 2011 / — -
Princeton influential person essay

8 - Ok, will do. I guess the story is a bit long :P Thanks for your comments!...

UndergraduateSnowflakes - Dec 29, 2011 / Snowflakes - Dec 29, 2011
MICA Essay-Most people fear change, but I thrive on it.

3 - Thanks so much!...

Undergraduateanshikav - Dec 15, 2011 / anshikav - Dec 29, 2011
NYU Supplement: What intrigues you? 'multiple perspectives, point of views'

10 - i really liked it. very good topic. i think you should choose another word for "wreak havoc" . it...

Undergraduatecarochoi - Dec 28, 2011 / sarahbee - Dec 29, 2011
Internship programs, Why Boston essay, International student body

4 - Here's the thing: You say you visited the website obsessively, twice a day (will they believe it) and the...

UndergraduateZhantair - Dec 29, 2011 / deremifri - Dec 29, 2011
My name is Jason - Common App Essay

9 - Not sure about using the word maze maybe some more variety. Overall, this was amazing....

Undergraduatezman9264 - Dec 28, 2011 / paw1168 - Dec 29, 2011
Essay in Progress "Airman".

3 - Standing proud, a figure of discipline and typically looked at as a man of principle. This individual is faithful...

Undergraduatecmaher92 - Dec 29, 2011 / cmaher92 - Dec 29, 2011
MIT essay ,choice of major...

4 - many thanks for the help :) yes i think that the last sentence does not make any sense.i will...

Undergraduateahmad999 - Dec 29, 2011 / ahmad999 - Dec 29, 2011
Celebrate My Nerdy Side! A sneaky prompt from Tufts.

8 - This essay actually made me smile :) I like your idea! Wow I'm impressed...

Undergraduatesagerfrog - Dec 29, 2011 / rahilsavani - Dec 29, 2011
'small seminar classes' - What influenced me to apply to Barnard

3 - Hey, Suggestion: I automaticallyimmediately or instantly(seems like a better fit) fell in love with Barnard other...

Undergraduatemaryp630 - Dec 29, 2011 / sarahbee - Dec 29, 2011
"What does Community mean to you?'' Conncoll supplement.

4 - Thanks with the editing Shamira :) Thank you for pointing that out Htet, I would have never noticed that...

Undergraduaterahilsavani - Dec 28, 2011 / rahilsavani - Dec 29, 2011
Common app essay: A real connection: struggle-responsibilities

5 - Thank you soo much for your feedback, it is SO helpful ! I will focus more on the responsibilities...

Undergraduateabcf - Dec 29, 2011 / abcf - Dec 29, 2011
'students who share the same passions as mine' - Why NYU

5 - Thank you all so much! I never expected such responses... I'll try my best to change all those little...

Undergraduateahstop - Dec 29, 2011 / ahstop - Dec 29, 2011
Why NYU / academic area of interest; 'anything is possible at NYU'

2 - 1- I love the starting. However, be more specific!!!! For example, what does it specifically offer you, maybe a...

Undergraduatemukhia08 - Dec 29, 2011 / xotibxo - Dec 29, 2011
Emory Essay Supplement: Unique & Ride

3 - Both essays were well written; i like you personified the school. Just have the first essay looked over by...

UndergraduateChopeful - Dec 29, 2011 / JackSparrow - Dec 29, 2011
'never made it to the finals round' - What Matters to you and Why? - Stanford

9 - hey, The challenges that I faced in Tae Kwon Do with my leg condition were immense. (i think...

Undergraduateinsanesoul81994 - Dec 28, 2011 / sarahbee - Dec 29, 2011
'from Maryland to Arizona in the eighth grade'; Univ. of Maryland College Essay

4 - My endeavor for academic excellence has always been fueled by my father's journey to the United States. My father...

UndergraduateDukefool - Dec 29, 2011 / Dukefool - Dec 29, 2011
'dance allows me to be myself' - JHU- something about yourself

5 - Wow, thank you guys so much for the feedback! Here's my revised version (I really didn't change all that...

Undergraduatenikariotz - Dec 25, 2011 / nikariotz - Dec 29, 2011
'to persevere and to excel' - NYU Supplement

5 - You use some good language and description in some areas but not others. Try to refrain from saying "thing"...

Undergraduatemaryvisa - Dec 29, 2011 / ibeckki - Dec 29, 2011
Short UVa Suppliment "what is your favorite place to get lost in and why?"

5 - Cindy I just figured you were saying generally, there is nowhere else, whether in NY or the world,...

Undergraduatecindyw1397 - Dec 29, 2011 / ZhoeK - Dec 29, 2011
CommonApp ExtraCurricular Essay "Bringing a community together"

2 - I love it not only because I am African but its well written. I only have a few suggestions....

Undergraduatejebhogiaye - Dec 29, 2011 / sm09 - Dec 29, 2011
UVA Super short supplement-Pulchritude is my favorite word.

7 - Yusra Much better. The ending was more pow. Maybe you could elaborate more, it feels like its missing...

Undergraduateyusra12 - Dec 29, 2011 / ZhoeK - Dec 29, 2011
Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle

20 - - I think you should change "grade four" to fourth grade. It has more of a I'm-trying-to-tell-this-story type of...

UndergraduateZhoeK - Dec 27, 2011 / cindyw1397 - Dec 29, 2011
Film Concept: short film idea - Emerson College

6 - I think it sounds like a fine concept--it's all in how the script is executed. I think focusing on...

Undergraduatejerrytherock31 - Dec 13, 2011 / summerteeth - Dec 29, 2011
Cornell Supplement -- Being a doctor, and everything else

3 - thanks! where should I add the additional Cornell information so that it doesn't seem out of place?...

Undergraduateserendipityyy - Dec 29, 2011 / serendipityyy - Dec 29, 2011
"Chocolate or vanilla?"- person of signficant influence common app essay

3 - Thank you! Yes, I will cut back on my fathers description and transition to his influence me earlier....

Undergraduateshs1123 - Dec 29, 2011 / shs1123 - Dec 29, 2011
Julius Caesar is one of the most powerful pieces of literature; Amherst College Sup

3 - Hi I'm also working on this Amherst essay. I personally think that you don't need the paragraph of...

UndergraduateAbhaJ19 - Dec 29, 2011 / ChihiroLavi - Dec 29, 2011
Why Upenn - Upenn Supplement 500 word essay

9 - Aromie: thank u very much! Kevin: that definitely helps. Thank u! Looks like I have some more work to...

Undergraduatemamaton - Dec 29, 2011 / mamaton - Dec 29, 2011
"Who am I? I am...." Boston University Admissions Essay

6 - Diddo to bookbug_xd Your narrative is interesting, just cut down in the initial description. For example take out "a...

Undergraduateflash king - Dec 29, 2011 / Max8 - Dec 29, 2011
search for career paths - Intellectual vitality essay Stanford Supplement

3 - Thank you for your feed back. I greatly appreciate it! I will implement the comma changes....

UndergraduateMax8 - Dec 29, 2011 / Max8 - Dec 29, 2011
Emerson College Supplement- Life Title

2 - Tanner I think the formality of the essay is neither here nor there since the prompt said stop...

Undergraduatetanner328 - Dec 29, 2011 / ZhoeK - Dec 29, 2011

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