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|Why essay for Colorado College (special academic calendars)
6 - Don't repeat it twice in that first line: I first learnt about Colorado College from an article introducing special...
Undergraduatejindu85 - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|What can you contribute to our school (but I have nothing to contribute)?
5 - look into the culture of the place your applying to, thats the key for alot of these contribution essays,...
Undergraduateterriblewriting - Jan 19, 2010 / srandhawa - Jan 19, 2010
|"stunts shown in Jackie Chan's movies" - My common application essay
Undergraduatecharu1603 - Nov 29, 2009 / charu1603 - Jan 19, 2010
|UNC - 500 Word Supplement - The Banana Boat
3 - first off sorry, for the late response, i just finished turning my application in, i know my essay was...
Undergraduatetwizzlestraw - Jan 19, 2010 / srandhawa - Jan 19, 2010
|Essay - Looking back, ten years from now.
5 - Hey, good call! I remember looking at this one earlier today, and I didn't notice that "of" where...
Undergraduatebobbydreed - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|Want to be around so many people; Reason for transfer/ objectives
2 - " the same reason" What same reason? Be clear, because it sounds a bit incomplete and confusing. "I...
UndergraduateRachach6 - Jan 19, 2010 / RabiaG - Jan 19, 2010
|Brandeis Supplement, why brandeis? diff approach
5 - i agree w/ the above posters, this essay doesnt target brandeis, it just falls under the vague generalizations that...
Undergraduatedamo - Jan 15, 2010 / srandhawa - Jan 19, 2010
|Georgetown Essay: Summer Activity: My time in Kenya
3 - Right here, you switch from present tense to past tense. You should keep it in the present tense:...
Undergraduatejoosunggrace - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|need to make it more concise (my application process to pharmacy schools)
5 - During the last few years, I handled work, commuting, and extracurriculars (no comma necessary here) while also being a...
Undergraduatepharmd9 - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|Sugar We're Goin' Down (My love for film and video), to pursue a degree
3 - This part lulls me into confusion. I think it could be replaced with just a short sentence; try...
Undergraduatecaisson22 - Jan 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|Life journey and turning points (statement of purpose)
6 - I missed the remaining part of my junior year. --- when you write this sentence, it establishes a theme...
Undergraduatejmathews05 - Jan 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|U of Michigan. "My Life as a Dancer is Over." SETBACK.
2 - Ever since I first grabbed the bar and learned grand plié as a seven year-old g irl, I immediately...
Undergraduateyoungkim9193 - Jan 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER ESSAY: Social Service Club
3 - excellent, this is a great little way to connect with the reader. My curiosity compelled me to go...
Undergraduategonnabe1me - Jan 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|adjectives, help with intro sentence- Austen
3 - Well, the semi-colon establishes for the reader that these 2 aspects are part of the same thought, and...
Undergraduateshannon92 - Jan 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|Indroduction esssay for a professor, can someone help me make it better!
3 - My name is Elizabeth Reyes. I am from California with parent from Mexico. I have been living in Las...
UndergraduateElizabeth - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|visual and literary arts and music - FSU Admissions Essay Review
Undergraduatebravesirtodd - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|"a desire to help people" - Emory Supplemental
3 - This sentence by the admission office is not written correctly! I think you should not include...
Undergraduateshradda - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|'Love you and miss you' - Common App Essay: Inspiration
6 - You want your essay to be sleek and powerful, with topic sentences that relate directly to the thesis and...
Undergraduatekdogg9236 - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|cousin diagnosed with Autism, reasons for transferring, objects hoped to achieve
5 - Yes, the structure is the first thing to attend. Start a new para after this: ...out to them,...
UndergraduateKayla89 - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|Wheaton College(MA) Essay-Why are you interested in Wheaton
3 - Should it start with the word "the"?? The Connections Program in Wheaton College interests me. It sounds...
Undergraduateyf8651 - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|"Learning more about business" - Bentley University Supplement
3 - That first sentence has too much going on. I think you should just say: The fact that Bentley University...
Undergraduateachavez18 - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|Montclair State's Personal statement has me stumped
3 - I diagnose you with having been institutionalized. I submit that you perhaps have done so well in school because...
Undergraduatekiwimay18 - Jan 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|"an Indian senior in all-white school" - UT Transfer Statement of Purpose
4 - That whole first paragraph is all extra stuff. It describes the situation of hundreds of applicants. I think it...
Undergraduategujuballa16 - Jan 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|My own stress has been my obstacle ~ UCF Prompt
5 - Once again, thank you very much for you help and insight. This is the reworked version. I will say,...
UndergraduateJulieB - Jan 17, 2010 / JulieB - Jan 18, 2010
|common app short answer: tennis in my life
4 - i think your sentence structures seem a bit confusing. something like you try to put as many points as...
Undergraduateky2010 - Jan 11, 2010 / hbrad8002 - Jan 18, 2010
|I am mr. Lonely. Advice type essay
Undergraduatesyookhong - Jan 11, 2010 / ubr001 - Jan 18, 2010
|GMSP. My passion for history
4 - "I mean the history of man's evolution, the creation of the universe, the star s, and the solar system...
UndergraduateLydia - Jan 11, 2010 / gbee - Jan 18, 2010
|"a long history and a reputation",DePaul University Admission Commitee Statement
Undergraduatechitown31 - Jan 18, 2010 / NTabachnik - Jan 18, 2010
|University of Michigan essay. Reasons you are interested in pharmacy.
2 - Growing up many children dream of becoming a firefighter or a doctor. As for myself I had no idea...
Undergraduatejlweimer10 - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|"Dr. Martin's Lectures" -Essay about someone who has made an impact on your life
6 - Dr. Martin's Lectures It was the Spring Break of 2008, and(Personally, I dislike expletives like "it is" or "it...
Undergraduatevball10 - Jan 11, 2010 / Envie - Jan 18, 2010
|Balance between my learning prospects and the study environment - Hamilton
2 - This is a compound sentence, so use a comma: The athletic facilities are great, and it was rewarding to...
Undergraduatecesarh1992 - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|'Meaningful soccer game' - Common App Short Essay (Soccer)
Undergraduatelev702 - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|Bucknell Supp -- Why did I chose my major and Three Important Characteristics
5 - Ha ha, I saw that other thread you are talking about. You wrote an rewrote your response trying...
Undergraduaterapoch - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|UCF Essay. Academic, personal life and culture.
3 - One of the opportunities my parents wanted me to have was to receive an education in the American Collegiate...
UndergraduateCollegeGirl321 - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|'environmental science and planets' - St. Olaf Supplement-Why this college
Undergraduateyf8651 - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|Ji was assaulted by another student; GMSP unfair situation
3 - Though he was a very friendly fellow , his inability to speak the English language fluently made communication difficult...
UndergraduateLydia - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|What is a GLOBAL CITIZEN? GWU SUPPLEMENT
Undergraduatemeliza8809 - Jan 10, 2010 / linmark - Jan 18, 2010
|Story of My Own - NYU Poem Prompt #2 (comment for comment?)
9 - Okay so I submitted this app a little while ago, but now I'm wondering whether or not i should...
Undergraduatenogasa - Dec 28, 2009 / nogasa - Jan 18, 2010
|my mother - Some who has made an impact on my life
UndergraduateJRob105 - Jan 17, 2010 / JRob105 - Jan 17, 2010
|GMSP steps toward future ambitions
UndergraduateLydia - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
|Best friend Monica - Someone important to me.
5 - Jhopselyn, I notice you have participated a lot and spent a lot of time helping other people. Thank you!!...
Undergraduatehern255 - Jan 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
|USC - making choices based on the situation of the moment
Undergraduateashtene - Jan 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
|Best way of properly conveying my interests - UIUC Transfer Entrance Essay
Undergraduatemanny - Jan 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
|Bucknell Supp -- Question (plans, major)
Undergraduaterapoch - Jan 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
|Carleton College Short Answer -favorite subject, career, interest, book, teacher
9 - Hi Twizzlestraw, I just found this thread by following a link you left in the thread of someone you...
Undergraduatetwizzlestraw - Jan 7, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
|GWU essay:"was that the japanese embassy?!"
2 - Your first paragraph is so impressive! It really succeeds in PROVING that you have a deep sense of appreciation...
Undergraduateshreeek - Jan 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
|"Life of Pi" by Yann Martel, Short Answer - your most recent summer vacation
3 - Thanks!! :D...
Undergraduatemary24 - Jan 16, 2010 / mary24 - Jan 17, 2010
|"a member of the Jazz Club" - University of Michigan - diversity short answer
6 - I think that your relevance is fine once you narrow your focus. I can't necessarily pin-point exactly how...
Undergraduatewasabipeaz - Jan 16, 2010 / NTabachnik - Jan 17, 2010
|"For almost one hundred years, the Latin words" these values will guide me
2 - If you read through this out loud, you can make it much better, I think. Notice how I rounded...
Undergraduatecarlosx09 - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Susan - Jan 17, 2010
|Reed College Supplement-Why do you choose Reed
Undergraduateyf8651 - Jan 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
|Bryn Mawr supplement essay: What you expect to gain and what will you contribute
5 - "Why his eyebrow curves like that? " A Pakistani tourist asked me why such cunning look appeared on a...
Undergraduatelinhexi - Jan 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
|Anxiety may even kill you, but it may also lead to poor decision-making, thinking, and socialization
3 - I asked my friends who had participate d in the same activities for advice on how to cure these...
UndergraduateKenny Z - Jan 9, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
|"electrical engineering" - Discuss your short and long-term goals and priorities
3 - You write so well! The first sentence of the essay seems a little strange, because technology IS the way...
UndergraduateKenny Z - Jan 9, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
|Girls, Girls, Girls- Common Short Essay
21 - I have to agree with the poster here who said that your essay would be refreshing to a person...
UndergraduatemaXimumeXposure - Jan 8, 2010 / klusterfunk - Jan 17, 2010
|(childhood in the Arabian Gulf) - Culture and Diversity essay
NEW - "We know that diversity makes us a better university -- better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."...
Undergraduateklusterfunk - Jan 17, 2010 / — -
|Bullying - Essay about an unfair situation
3 - That first paragraph is one long definition. It should be more than a definition. End your first paragraph with...
UndergraduateKenny Z - Jan 9, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 16, 2010
|Whats up roommate? kind of essay
4 - These past four were hard work were they not? From maintaining grades to cramming f or tests and quizzes,...
Undergraduatesyookhong - Jan 9, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 16, 2010
|"convenience, ardor, and majors" - UCF Admission Essay - why I chose UCF
3 - Yes, I have to agree with Boxin. That first para is all fluff. the trick is to write something...
UndergraduateMrSoupy - Jan 9, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 16, 2010
|USC Undergad Essay "What Matters To Me and Why?"
3 - "thing" is always a weak word. Responsibilities are things that everyone has, but are not things that everyone can...
UndergraduateJonV92 - Jan 8, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 16, 2010
|Rhodes College Supplement Essay- 'Why Rhodes?' - my dream.
4 - Don't regret it; you're definitely right. My changes were only minute corrections. When I'm unsure of a word,...
Undergraduatebilal530 - Jan 14, 2010 / a9961m - Jan 16, 2010
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