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|I attended a school in Bahrain; Educational Path essay, UM
6 - Right after this, you can improve the credibility of the whole essay with a bit of explanation: Unfortunately,...
Undergraduateklusterfunk - Jan 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 21, 2010
|'Lessons from my Latino heritage' - Cultural Difference-University of Washington
4 - Cut the first sentence, I find no relation to your essay. I attend a dominantly white school, so there...
UndergraduateJanelle - Jan 16, 2010 / Esaias - Jan 21, 2010
|UChicago "In chinese, crisis is composed of two characters, danger/opportunity"
Undergraduatepoleandreel - Jan 16, 2010 / poleandreel - Jan 21, 2010
|'women's basketball' - what most influenced you to apply to Ohio State
2 - Princeton Review ever showed me that OSU's motto... This motto attracts compels me to search for more...
Undergraduatephhusm2000 - Jan 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|How to write a personal essay for Ryerson's Radio and Television Program
3 - Write a one-sentence answer for each of these, and see what COMMON THEME runs through all of them....
UndergraduateChikoyam - Jan 16, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|Why engineering at Ryerson admission essay; 'fascinated with mathematics'
9 - EF_Kevin I cannot thank you enough...buddy I should include you in my essay for making an enormous contribution to...
UndergraduateArwen - Oct 23, 2009 / Arwen - Jan 20, 2010
|'the Asian Supermarket' - Georgetown essay about YOU
5 - I love your writing style, but I think that you should integrate more vivid verbs. That will help illustrate...
Undergraduatejoosunggrace - Jan 11, 2010 / aridnepenthe - Jan 20, 2010
|"My professional experiences vary a lot" - Peace Corps Acceptance Essay #1
Undergraduateubr001 - Jan 14, 2010 / ubr001 - Jan 20, 2010
|I want to be a Biologist and Spanish student - CU Boulder Essay
2 - Let's get rid of some unnecessary words: My two older brothers Teddy and Thomas, who are seven and four...
Undergraduatekatiecahoon - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|Personal Statement for Radiological Technology Program
2 - ...because it combines human compassion with knowledge and technology to assist us at our weakest moments. ... because it...
Undergraduateboussi112 - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|"my work ethics" - Babson Undergraduate Admission-150 word or less essay
4 - You have a run on sentence here: My work ethic was getting stronger than that of compared to the...
Undergraduateamaa2010 - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|World Cultures class - An issue that is important to me
3 - Although this video was about AIDS, another topic was mentioned that also really captivated me: The lack of clean...
UndergraduateJRob105 - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|"What Swimming Has Taught Me"-Texas A&M Essay Topic C
5 - Since this is part of your application as the topic suggests, you may be facing some stiff competition in...
UndergraduateJRob105 - Jan 15, 2010 / klusterfunk - Jan 20, 2010
|The women in the woods- Macalster suplement essay
6 - Sorry I didn't help within the 30 minutes!! :-) here are some ideas for the future, though. Commas:...
Undergraduatefghjk - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|Personal statement-"My failure"
4 - My dreams of fulfilling my parents' hopes, were dashed to pieces. Instead of walking around with a dark...
Undergraduatesfrancis - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|UNC Essay - Expressing My Inner World
Undergraduatematerial_sloth - Jan 15, 2010 / klusterfunk - Jan 20, 2010
|"Time is money" - a significant experience that has special meaning, RPI Essay
3 - This needs a hyphen: For instance, in the field of biomedical engineering, long strides -- or, as some would...
Undergraduatearkarain - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|"people are more similar than different" - Whitman: diversity in DC
3 - Your first paragraph confused me!! I misunderstood what you meant. You would like to say, but you cannot, because...
Undergraduategarfunkel129 - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|"a family dedicated to high technology" - Short essay on diversity and others
Undergraduatejindu85 - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|Short essay on Coloardo College's Block Plan
2 - This is a fascinating one! I see that I may have been wrong, while critiquing another of your essays,...
Undergraduatejindu85 - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|Georgia Tech Essay "Code and Design"
4 - Well, this is great writing! I apologize for missing the deadline! Here is an idea below that you can...
UndergraduatetheAbraham - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|Why essay for Colorado College (special academic calendars)
6 - Don't repeat it twice in that first line: I first learnt about Colorado College from an article introducing special...
Undergraduatejindu85 - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 20, 2010
|What can you contribute to our school (but I have nothing to contribute)?
5 - look into the culture of the place your applying to, thats the key for alot of these contribution essays,...
Undergraduateterriblewriting - Jan 19, 2010 / srandhawa - Jan 19, 2010
|"stunts shown in Jackie Chan's movies" - My common application essay
Undergraduatecharu1603 - Nov 29, 2009 / charu1603 - Jan 19, 2010
|UNC - 500 Word Supplement - The Banana Boat
3 - first off sorry, for the late response, i just finished turning my application in, i know my essay was...
Undergraduatetwizzlestraw - Jan 19, 2010 / srandhawa - Jan 19, 2010
|Essay - Looking back, ten years from now.
5 - Hey, good call! I remember looking at this one earlier today, and I didn't notice that "of" where...
Undergraduatebobbydreed - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|Want to be around so many people; Reason for transfer/ objectives
2 - " the same reason" What same reason? Be clear, because it sounds a bit incomplete and confusing. "I...
UndergraduateRachach6 - Jan 19, 2010 / RabiaG - Jan 19, 2010
|Brandeis Supplement, why brandeis? diff approach
5 - i agree w/ the above posters, this essay doesnt target brandeis, it just falls under the vague generalizations that...
Undergraduatedamo - Jan 15, 2010 / srandhawa - Jan 19, 2010
|Georgetown Essay: Summer Activity: My time in Kenya
3 - Right here, you switch from present tense to past tense. You should keep it in the present tense:...
Undergraduatejoosunggrace - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|need to make it more concise (my application process to pharmacy schools)
5 - During the last few years, I handled work, commuting, and extracurriculars (no comma necessary here) while also being a...
Undergraduatepharmd9 - Jan 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|Sugar We're Goin' Down (My love for film and video), to pursue a degree
3 - This part lulls me into confusion. I think it could be replaced with just a short sentence; try...
Undergraduatecaisson22 - Jan 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|Life journey and turning points (statement of purpose)
6 - I missed the remaining part of my junior year. --- when you write this sentence, it establishes a theme...
Undergraduatejmathews05 - Jan 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|U of Michigan. "My Life as a Dancer is Over." SETBACK.
2 - Ever since I first grabbed the bar and learned grand plié as a seven year-old g irl, I immediately...
Undergraduateyoungkim9193 - Jan 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER ESSAY: Social Service Club
3 - excellent, this is a great little way to connect with the reader. My curiosity compelled me to go...
Undergraduategonnabe1me - Jan 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|adjectives, help with intro sentence- Austen
3 - Well, the semi-colon establishes for the reader that these 2 aspects are part of the same thought, and...
Undergraduateshannon92 - Jan 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|Indroduction esssay for a professor, can someone help me make it better!
3 - My name is Elizabeth Reyes. I am from California with parent from Mexico. I have been living in Las...
UndergraduateElizabeth - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|visual and literary arts and music - FSU Admissions Essay Review
Undergraduatebravesirtodd - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|"a desire to help people" - Emory Supplemental
3 - This sentence by the admission office is not written correctly! I think you should not include...
Undergraduateshradda - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|'Love you and miss you' - Common App Essay: Inspiration
6 - You want your essay to be sleek and powerful, with topic sentences that relate directly to the thesis and...
Undergraduatekdogg9236 - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|cousin diagnosed with Autism, reasons for transferring, objects hoped to achieve
5 - Yes, the structure is the first thing to attend. Start a new para after this: ...out to them,...
UndergraduateKayla89 - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|Wheaton College(MA) Essay-Why are you interested in Wheaton
3 - Should it start with the word "the"?? The Connections Program in Wheaton College interests me. It sounds...
Undergraduateyf8651 - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
|"Learning more about business" - Bentley University Supplement
3 - That first sentence has too much going on. I think you should just say: The fact that Bentley University...
Undergraduateachavez18 - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|Montclair State's Personal statement has me stumped
3 - I diagnose you with having been institutionalized. I submit that you perhaps have done so well in school because...
Undergraduatekiwimay18 - Jan 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|"an Indian senior in all-white school" - UT Transfer Statement of Purpose
4 - That whole first paragraph is all extra stuff. It describes the situation of hundreds of applicants. I think it...
Undergraduategujuballa16 - Jan 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|My own stress has been my obstacle ~ UCF Prompt
5 - Once again, thank you very much for you help and insight. This is the reworked version. I will say,...
UndergraduateJulieB - Jan 17, 2010 / JulieB - Jan 18, 2010
|common app short answer: tennis in my life
4 - i think your sentence structures seem a bit confusing. something like you try to put as many points as...
Undergraduateky2010 - Jan 11, 2010 / hbrad8002 - Jan 18, 2010
|I am mr. Lonely. Advice type essay
Undergraduatesyookhong - Jan 11, 2010 / ubr001 - Jan 18, 2010
|GMSP. My passion for history
4 - "I mean the history of man's evolution, the creation of the universe, the star s, and the solar system...
UndergraduateLydia - Jan 11, 2010 / gbee - Jan 18, 2010
|"a long history and a reputation",DePaul University Admission Commitee Statement
Undergraduatechitown31 - Jan 18, 2010 / NTabachnik - Jan 18, 2010
|University of Michigan essay. Reasons you are interested in pharmacy.
2 - Growing up many children dream of becoming a firefighter or a doctor. As for myself I had no idea...
Undergraduatejlweimer10 - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|"Dr. Martin's Lectures" -Essay about someone who has made an impact on your life
6 - Dr. Martin's Lectures It was the Spring Break of 2008, and(Personally, I dislike expletives like "it is" or "it...
Undergraduatevball10 - Jan 11, 2010 / Envie - Jan 18, 2010
|Balance between my learning prospects and the study environment - Hamilton
2 - This is a compound sentence, so use a comma: The athletic facilities are great, and it was rewarding to...
Undergraduatecesarh1992 - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|'Meaningful soccer game' - Common App Short Essay (Soccer)
Undergraduatelev702 - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|Bucknell Supp -- Why did I chose my major and Three Important Characteristics
5 - Ha ha, I saw that other thread you are talking about. You wrote an rewrote your response trying...
Undergraduaterapoch - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|UCF Essay. Academic, personal life and culture.
3 - One of the opportunities my parents wanted me to have was to receive an education in the American Collegiate...
UndergraduateCollegeGirl321 - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|'environmental science and planets' - St. Olaf Supplement-Why this college
Undergraduateyf8651 - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|Ji was assaulted by another student; GMSP unfair situation
3 - Though he was a very friendly fellow , his inability to speak the English language fluently made communication difficult...
UndergraduateLydia - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
|What is a GLOBAL CITIZEN? GWU SUPPLEMENT
Undergraduatemeliza8809 - Jan 10, 2010 / linmark - Jan 18, 2010
|Story of My Own - NYU Poem Prompt #2 (comment for comment?)
9 - Okay so I submitted this app a little while ago, but now I'm wondering whether or not i should...
Undergraduatenogasa - Dec 28, 2009 / nogasa - Jan 18, 2010
|my mother - Some who has made an impact on my life
UndergraduateJRob105 - Jan 17, 2010 / JRob105 - Jan 17, 2010
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