|Undergraduate [25,500] - page 369 of 426|
|Weightlifting - need help with awkward sentences (common app short answer)
2 - You might just reword it a little, like this:I was encouraged thinking that others better than I had...
UndergraduateKlaw30 - Oct 28, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 28, 2009
|Diabetes in my family - Common Application Essay
11 - two things first off, just because there is a 250 word minimum, doens't mean your essay should go well...
UndergraduateGabrielle - Aug 15, 2009 / srandhawa - Oct 28, 2009
|A Conversation with Myself: Our Life. Common Application Main Essay.
21 - I feel like you shouldn't just start each paragraph with "At age whatever" it is distracting. also the...
Undergraduateqomoco - Oct 22, 2009 / tjk10 - Oct 28, 2009
|"Looking Back" - Common App Essay---Evaluate a significant experience
Undergraduatesoxfan - Oct 28, 2009 / soxfan - Oct 28, 2009
|"Why are you still doing community Service? You know you don't have to, right?"
4 - This is a good choice for an extracurricular to elaborate on. It shows that you enjoy volunteering and you...
Undergraduategoodtimes - Oct 28, 2009 / soxfan - Oct 28, 2009
|Common App Short A. - Metaphorical significance or tangible significance?
Undergraduateicysakura - Oct 27, 2009 / icysakura - Oct 28, 2009
|"How diverse can our world possibly be?" - common app: last prompt on Diversity
Undergraduatejungcollege - Oct 24, 2009 / iram - Oct 28, 2009
|Illinois State admissions personal statement - 'I am unique among most people'
Undergraduatekanep123 - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 28, 2009
|USC (Reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence)
2 - This is well-written! Great job. Like all writing, it can be improved if you revise for conciseness. You can...
UndergraduateFiddysin - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Oct 28, 2009
|Common app/UNC-CH essay
3 - Thanks a lot for your comments (and I apologize for the title). I was worried I didn't focus enough...
UndergraduateAnekantavada - Oct 26, 2009 / Anekantavada - Oct 28, 2009
|Brown supplement: What don't you know? "Mom's Secret"
8 - I definitgely think you should emphasize it more. That, and how not knowing is sometimes a fact of life,...
Undergraduateyoungkim9193 - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 28, 2009
|Computer Science...Intership and volunteer work
Undergraduatejean253 - Oct 26, 2009 / jean253 - Oct 27, 2009
|'fond of origami' - MIT short answer, something you like to do
Undergraduatepapaya - Oct 26, 2009 / papaya - Oct 27, 2009
|'The Revolution and Conflict class' - Intellectually Engaging Experience Short Answer
3 - Even though I had heard this claim before, I had never truly thought about the fact that everything I...
Undergraduatenysock - Oct 25, 2009 / xoxovicki - Oct 27, 2009
|'Weeks in China, born in Japan' -STANFORD supplement
Undergraduatedudeitsmayy - Oct 25, 2009 / xoxovicki - Oct 27, 2009
|Common App- extracurricular activity (150 words)
Undergraduateangie127 - Oct 24, 2009 / angie127 - Oct 27, 2009
|"Asian American living in a city" - common app diversity essay
3 - You mentioned some things several times, and so parts of this are redundant. You also use slang terms for...
Undergraduatejustdoit - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 27, 2009
|MIT Setback/biggest challenge essay... Freshman year grades
2 - Up until 8th grade, I was a straight A student. I was able to coasted through school just usingwithmy...
Undergraduatepprajoth - Oct 27, 2009 / mmmargarita - Oct 27, 2009
|Goldman Sachs CTW - CommonApp - elaborate an experience. (150 words)
Undergraduateago1130 - Oct 27, 2009 / h4ppidais - Oct 27, 2009
|Brown Suppliment, my mom
3 - Your first 2 or 3 sentences are really awkward. But your writing gets better as the paragraph progresses. I...
Undergraduatemlmlfp - Oct 26, 2009 / sammiepuddle - Oct 27, 2009
|"My Talent" For UC PS Prompt #2 (transfer student)
3 - Thx for ur reply.. ye..writing in non-first language is much more difficult than u can image even though...
Undergraduatesimonma668 - Oct 27, 2009 / simonma668 - Oct 27, 2009
|Common App Essay.. Greatest Influence (my dad)
3 - just a suggestion you could make. The day my dad graduated from the State Police academy, overcoming the...
Undergraduateredsoxfreak3458 - Oct 27, 2009 / zowzow - Oct 27, 2009
|Goats- changes to the community
6 - the reason why i put the armhair in in was to entertain the administrative offices in order to like...
Undergraduatespicawind - Oct 18, 2009 / spicawind - Oct 27, 2009
|FSU ESSAY-- VIRUS, ARTES, MORES "BUILD HOMES FOR KATRINA VICTIM" (CRITIQUE)
3 - Thank you for the advice on this essay! I was planning on submitting it that night, but I'm glad...
Undergraduatecbaker0717 - Oct 16, 2009 / cbaker0717 - Oct 27, 2009
|A "dorky" friend who changed my life----Common application person's influence
Undergraduatemcdy143 - Oct 25, 2009 / mcdy143 - Oct 27, 2009
|'Chicken fried rice' - family culture, environment, etc. influenced you?
4 - I really liked your essay. It was unique, fun, and interesting. It started off well and instantly grabbed my...
UndergraduateCarrieC92 - Oct 7, 2009 / jiggysmalls - Oct 27, 2009
|'Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address' - UF Essay: (meaningful event)
7 - Great essay, but good blow flow, but the only problem is you are incorporating too many ideas to the...
Undergraduatespatel1114 - Oct 19, 2009 / ago1130 - Oct 27, 2009
|Brown's PLME essays -- neurology and science
Undergraduatenadabatu - Oct 25, 2009 / linmark - Oct 27, 2009
|Common App: Elaborate on an Activity (Human RIghts Club)
2 - You can omit the first sentence, and the reader will still understand. Oh no, that is wrong, you should...
Undergraduatemeekap - Oct 26, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2009
|Best Friend's Suicide (COMMON APP ESSAY PROMPT #1)
12 - Much better. You seem much more thoughtful and compassionate in your latest version. When you say does...
Undergraduateemmelinew - Oct 26, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 27, 2009
|An essay about an experience (moving)
2 - How about a different order of words: Slowly and resentfully, I w alked down the stairs and once...
Undergraduatenoor9279 - Oct 25, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2009
|Diversity essay.(Thoughts emerged from Peking Opera Make-ups.)
Undergraduatelinhexi - Oct 22, 2009 / linhexi - Oct 27, 2009
|'drawing lessons' - Common App - Short Answer
7 - Some errors you might wanna fix: drawing lessons was just another activity - lessons ARE There, uniforms were...
Undergraduatetitenhi - Oct 17, 2009 / linmark - Oct 27, 2009
|"Moved to Tokyo, Japan" - University of Michigan - Setback Essay
6 - Now that's a much more satisfying read. :-) You can take the first paragraph out without damaging the...
Undergraduatekrazzikittie - Oct 25, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 27, 2009
|'love for mathematics' - U of M-what made u choose math major?
4 - Great essay, i can really feel your passion for the subject. However, sometimes i feel like its a...
Undergraduatesting910309 - Oct 26, 2009 / krazzikittie - Oct 27, 2009
|Vassar College Supplement Essay - "How did you learn about Vassar...?"
9 - @Yoo I've cut the Meryl and Anne parts and the essay is much more cohesive without it. As for...
Undergraduatemattsaysfierce - Oct 26, 2009 / mattsaysfierce - Oct 27, 2009
|UofW--how will your presence enrich our community?
UndergraduatePocha1346 - Oct 26, 2009 / angie127 - Oct 27, 2009
|'An inspirational basketball coach' - UC Essay quality, contribution)
2 - Be careful with your vocab here. Words like 'plethora' and 'illustrious' don't really fit. If you don't use these...
UndergraduateFiddysin - Oct 26, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 26, 2009
|'Three minutes for decision' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay!
3 - I can see how this scenario engaged you intellectually as well as emotionally. The prompt only specifies that you...
Undergraduatemarissavessels - Oct 26, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 26, 2009
|Spelman College Essay - Is this good or bad ?
2 - Knowledge. Commitment. Pride. Excellence. I think you used each of these words at least 10 times. The problem with...
Undergraduatedjohnson5 - Oct 26, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 26, 2009
|death is only way to happiness? U of M essay 500 words
8 - The third paragraph is the main one, but it is too repetitive. You mentioned several times about leaving home...
Undergraduatelrayan6 - Oct 25, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 26, 2009
|sociology undergraduate essay for Cornell CALS
4 - This is very well done. You connect real-world experience with the experience of college, and have plans for your...
Undergraduateessayhelp - Oct 24, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 26, 2009
|Common app- Elaborate on Lockheed Internship Experience
3 - This just sounds kind of weird. I think I know what you're saying--that appearances are deceiving--but maybe you...
Undergraduatetkkt1 - Oct 25, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 26, 2009
|"The merciless water" - Common Application Essay #1
Undergraduatechristine9944 - Oct 26, 2009 / christine9944 - Oct 26, 2009
|'significance of my garden' - the world you come from (family, community, or school)
Undergraduatekyleroland - Oct 24, 2009 / kyleroland - Oct 26, 2009
|'Don't lie. I'm going to report you' common app essay.on a significant experience...
6 - This sounds more like a poem than an essay. However, this carries a strong meaning but no reference to...
Undergraduatedj1126 - Oct 10, 2009 / 10jinw - Oct 26, 2009
|'my own cultural values' - U Michigan - Diversity Essay
Undergraduatenijhey0416 - Oct 25, 2009 / Pocha1346 - Oct 26, 2009
|'learning about different cultures' - UMich Short Answer-Diversity
7 - Changed one last time! haha "Here we are at the Favelas. Please do not take any photographs. That's...
Undergraduatekcmama8 - Oct 18, 2009 / kcmama8 - Oct 26, 2009
|Stereotyped beliefs will modify a person's behavior only; Amherst College
Undergraduaterdude88 - Oct 24, 2009 / rdude88 - Oct 26, 2009
|U of M- how i am going to contribute to their diversity
2 - Hi, You're essay is a lot of telling and not much showing. I think you should use more details....
Undergraduatedaisy1991 - Oct 26, 2009 / purplesocks - Oct 26, 2009
|'my youth with a theme song' - The World Around You UC Prompt 1
3 - Oh, thank you very much! Yes, I can see your viewpoint, it makes complete sense to me now that...
Undergraduatehowdy halle - Oct 25, 2009 / howdy halle - Oct 26, 2009
|'unexpected text from a freshman' - Common app-achievement that has impacted you
2 - Solid essay.First sentence opening could be improved (make it more interesting.) Small corrections on your awkward phrasing: - Tears...
Undergraduatebreed1964 - Oct 25, 2009 / linmark - Oct 26, 2009
|Reflection on Character - Needing a Conclusion // Constructive Criticism
2 - This says very little about you other than you wanting to become like your grandfather. It has nothing to...
UndergraduateZachB22 - Oct 26, 2009 / linmark - Oct 26, 2009
|'Socioeconomic / Ancestors / Government' - Brown and Common App
Undergraduatepauniccap - Oct 26, 2009 / marissavessels - Oct 26, 2009
|Stanford (elaborate on one of your activities) essay:
3 - Yeah...I forgot to make a comment before my entry, but I didn't know if I was SUPPOSED to include...
Undergraduatemarissavessels - Oct 26, 2009 / marissavessels - Oct 26, 2009
|'the hukou policy in China' - Common App- Experience that has changed your life
3 - This is too much narration. You only get to what made the experience meaningful in the last paragraph....
Undergraduatepyang302 - Oct 25, 2009 / linmark - Oct 26, 2009
|'Volunteering at East Brunswick Rescue Squad' Rutgers Admissions Essay
Undergraduatejbhatia325 - Oct 25, 2009 / anisa yosef - Oct 26, 2009
|UNCW admission essay -- how to improve it?
2 - Rewrite this to focus on more specific details. You worked hard in school and enrolled in martial arts classes...
UndergraduateBrianjonessv - Oct 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 26, 2009
|"Well-blended Combination" - U or Mich - diversity essay
2 - I like the approach you have taken and the narrative example you use to support it. Some more background...
Undergraduateyycho91 - Oct 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 26, 2009
|Common App Essay-a person who has had a significant influence on you
3 - nike t thanks for your suggestions. I will continue working on the essay. Or after the early decision maybe...
Undergraduateseason - Oct 24, 2009 / season - Oct 26, 2009
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