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|'perception of life and death'- Quest Bridge Essay - Need Revision
2 - Okay, this particular essay that you wrote does not respond to the prompt at all. What you wrote, in...
UndergraduateGuest - Sep 20, 2012 / vangiespen - Jan 19, 2015
|'Breaker / Just Go Back' - Common App Personal Statement
2 - Aside from the grammatical errors that need to be corrected (I'll point those out below), you have written a...
UndergraduateCIEL - Oct 21, 2012 / vangiespen - Jan 19, 2015
|there is a world beyond the classroom / my way of seeking social responsibility
3 - Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. I was hoping that since I'm still active as a mentor that tutoring would...
UndergraduateMisakaMikoto - Jan 18, 2015 / MisakaMikoto - Jan 19, 2015
|UBC application mini essay - in order to obtain fulfillment in life, you need to expand your horizon
3 - Ni Hao Lu HuiDong xue sheng (I've spent several years in China as well. I thought you were Chinese...
Undergraduatehuidong lu - Jan 19, 2015 / kibz95 - Jan 19, 2015
|Cultural Understanding, Academic Elements and History - UnUW international transfer Writing Section
2 - Hello Ms. Harwa. First, well done! You applied all the details you needed to put but sadly, in my...
Undergraduatehawoortie - Jan 18, 2015 / kibz95 - Jan 19, 2015
|"The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort"
UndergraduateBurki - Jan 18, 2015 / Burki - Jan 19, 2015
|why usc? essay, already submitted but considering re-using basic topic
2 - The latter part of your essay that truly deals with the reasons you consider USC the university for you...
Undergraduatejjadventure - Jan 21, 2013 / vangiespen - Jan 18, 2015
|I completely failed, just as I had predicted; UC -OVERCOMING FAILURE
2 - One of the important factors that need to be represented in this essay is the method by which the...
Undergraduateiluvchocalate13 - Nov 28, 2013 / vangiespen - Jan 18, 2015
|COMMON APP ESSAY about three things to take from a burning house.
Undergraduaterpendyala - Dec 25, 2011 / vangiespen - Jan 18, 2015
|Diversity: Be Grateful For It - Common Application Essay for Boston University
2 - Your essay is quite theoretical and academic in nature. While the prompt does allow you some room for personal...
Undergraduateakitarane - Nov 27, 2009 / vangiespen - Jan 18, 2015
|Boarding school essay--Choate. Tell us how this trait or value came to be or has been developed
2 - While this is a highly developed essay, it lacks one main feature. There is no paragraph that refers the...
Undergraduatebobcat123 - Dec 22, 2014 / vangiespen - Jan 18, 2015
|"I Made It" The feeling when crossing the finish line after a race sends me into complete bliss. NYU
2 - Your third paragraph is just a shorter redundancy of your second paragraph. Either delete it or reword it to...
Undergraduatejbueno - Jan 18, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 18, 2015
|Academia is a major connection point between people. USC college essay 250 word short essay.
4 - Your essay is pretty off topic, you don't even begin to answer the prompt until the last third of...
Undergraduatecreneu - Dec 1, 2014 / MisakaMikoto - Jan 18, 2015
|Building homes/ comprehensive learning; WHY NJIT?
2 - Pedro, it is really hard to judge your written work at this point because you did not provide the...
Undergraduate1995pedro - Jan 7, 2013 / vangiespen - Jan 18, 2015
|Extracurricular Elaboration And Such -- Science Bowl Oh My God It's Growing Tentacle
2 - Casey, it is hard to determine what the actual essay prompt is for this piece of work because you...
UndergraduatecaseySchooling - Oct 18, 2012 / vangiespen - Jan 18, 2015
|When I was three years old, my parents left me and my sister to our grandparents and came to the USA
UndergraduateBoa503 - Nov 26, 2014 / Burki - Jan 18, 2015
|'wisely and dynamic environment', 'my intelligence as a student and thinker' - Transfer essay
3 - This sounds way too similar to the last paragraph of my UW transfer essay draft that I posted three...
Undergraduateharvard_v - Jan 18, 2015 / gmact61 - Jan 18, 2015
|As I study anthropology, my perspective on the human condition shifts. UNCW admission essay
2 - The whole essay is really quite insightful and strong. You have managed to portray your well rounded interest in...
UndergraduateJDO3689 - Jan 17, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 18, 2015
|My achievements - I currently maintain a hydroponics lab at a local PAL.
2 - You don't need to talk about your achievements in this essay. When you are asked "What can you offer...
Undergraduateonesliceofham - Jan 1, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 17, 2015
|Readmission Essay; 'I have identified and learned from the mistakes I made'
2 - You can't really use this essay at this point because it does not properly respond to the prompt provided....
UndergraduateWhatsInAname - Jun 5, 2014 / vangiespen - Jan 17, 2015
|"Collin, you look like a monk" Culture in my life - Princeton Supplement!
2 - Your fourth paragraph in my opinion, should reflect upon the value of this culture of acceptance became a valuable...
Undergraduatecollindching - Jan 1, 2014 / vangiespen - Jan 17, 2015
|Miral School and smile - Williams College Supplement
2 - Lilly, you almost had the prompt excellently answered with the first part. Then you went flash forward by 2...
Undergraduatelilly1218 - Jan 1, 2014 / vangiespen - Jan 17, 2015
|Bless them!; Transfer Grinnell College(Place, People, Culture)
2 - First things first. You need to mention the nationality of your parents. Where did your family originally come from?...
UndergraduateChichoTran - Apr 1, 2013 / vangiespen - Jan 17, 2015
|Unrequited; NYU PS; Significant experience/achievement
2 - Okay, you have used some very flowery words and created a highly imaginative piece of writing. However, it is...
Undergraduatekwameampadu - Dec 30, 2012 / vangiespen - Jan 17, 2015
|My desire for success made a significant impact to my grade
4 - Yes. Remove all discussion and reference to not knowing where you would be attending college and the like. Concentrate...
Undergraduatehiatt - Jan 17, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 17, 2015
|If my father hadn't won a lottery for a visa to the USA then my life would be terribly different
Undergraduatejjjjjjaneyyyy - Jan 14, 2015 / ah_zafari - Jan 16, 2015
|A prestigious education is at the heart of all goals I would like to pursue in life. USC Application
Undergraduatenavreetbhangu - Jan 15, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|Villanova - "one outfit completely altered my own esteem like no other"
4 - Your piece is striking. But it could be improved with words that express exactly what you mean to say....
Undergraduatesavyivan - Jan 14, 2015 / thojoe - Jan 15, 2015
|USC Supplements. From skinny boy to Badminton Varsity Team
4 - You first have to consider if you enjoyed being the treasurer of the Badminton club. If you did, then...
Undergraduatel61696 - Jan 15, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|A Business Venture; With an industrious nature, I have been met with great success - USC Writing
7 - The essay is alright if you are planning to use it for a different common app prompt. Perhaps one...
UndergraduateMustwritewell - Jan 15, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|Academic and Personal Elements required - University of WA Seattle Transfer Essay (Autumn 2015)
2 - +1 for deadlifts I think you should focus a bit more on academic history/major and career goals. As...
Undergraduategmact61 - Jan 15, 2015 / MisakaMikoto - Jan 15, 2015
|Helping others is as my second nature - UT Austin Upper Division Nursing Class Application Essay
3 - I like your essay, I think it's full of enthusiasm and energy. As my English grammar is not so...
UndergraduateLonghornGal - Jan 15, 2015 / Acioncion - Jan 15, 2015
|To me, Lafayette is an "oddly sentimental" college, sensitive enough to know what I am looking for.
4 - You are writing essay drafts at this point so you should not consider the word limit yet. It is...
Undergraduategloria0001 - Jan 15, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|Athletic Training and sport medicine aspects and personal expierence
2 - Let's concentrate on the first part of the essay. Your introduction at this point needs to be edited for...
Undergraduateshelbysifford - Jan 15, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|UNIVERSITY OF WA PUBLIC HEALTH/HEALTH STUDIES TRANSFER PERSONAL STATEMENT-ADULT RETURNED TO COLLEGE
4 - The keyword here is personal history and educational history / goals. What you should be thinking about are two...
Undergraduateamandamayet - Jan 13, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|VT reasons to be a Hokie
4 - Definitely write another essay for the UT Prosim prompt. That is a common app for VT that is of...
Undergraduatemiraheta - Jan 14, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|"Don't Forget The Lyrics" (A Cheesy Common App Essay About A Bad Audition - Prompt #2)
5 - The first essay has some grammatical errors and transitory sentence problems but can still be considered a better start...
Undergraduatesortiz15 - Jan 13, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|This essay is to know you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data.
3 - Yeah! Thank you so much for this. For the first essay the idea behind the writing was my grandmother...
UndergraduateCris2197 - Jan 14, 2015 / Cris2197 - Jan 15, 2015
|Being a native born Salvadorian has automatically injected diversity into my being
2 - Monica, my opinion is that you should go withe the second essay. The one that discusses diversity and offers...
Undergraduatemiraheta - Jan 13, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|Assigned homework; My mark was awful! I felt like crying but I held myself.
4 - i tried to show how much the conflict affected me and contributing to the failure.. in other words,...
UndergraduateAbidK00 - Jan 15, 2015 / AbidK00 - Jan 15, 2015
|Unforgeteful Driving Experience - similar with an episode of spongebob squarepants
2 - The essay lacks a proper reflection upon the way the driving tests affected you. There is a disconnection in...
Undergraduateanwar akmal - Jan 15, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|I crave to pop this suburban bubble, leave my familiar environment, and experience change
2 - Okay. The essay does not really offer the answer that prompt requires. Have you given any thought to further...
Undergraduatesgm0328 - Jan 14, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|The eighth and ninth years of my life were plagued with walkers, canes, and hospital visits.
2 - The story about how your father survived and your family was changed by the accident and the recovery of...
Undergraduatenhasan215 - Jan 14, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 15, 2015
|"Earth to Nicole! Are you there?" - My love and appreciation for music
2 - Okay, when the essay asks you to consider something that you perceive goes unnoticed, what that means is that...
Undergraduatestretchthelimit - Jan 13, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 14, 2015
|Contributing to the Bryn Mawr Community - college with rigorous intellectual stimulation
2 - What you have given are simple introductions to your academic and extra curricular interests. As introductions, these are alright,...
UndergraduatePtiwari - Jan 13, 2015 / vangiespen - Jan 14, 2015
|I've spent my time seeing what's happening in the world from different perspectives. Why Lang?
3 - Thanks Kevin! i fixed some of the issues, but please take notice that i didn't abound too much because...
UndergraduateCamilabido - Jan 13, 2015 / Camilabido - Jan 14, 2015
|There came a time in my life when I absolutely hated my mother.
Undergraduatemiraheta - Jan 12, 2015 / miraheta - Jan 14, 2015
|My primary goal is to major in mass communications and get involved in the field of journalism
2 - I don't think your stated primary goal is really the primary goal. : ) What is the real goal?...
Undergraduatebriannaasalways - Jan 12, 2015 / EF_Kevin - Jan 14, 2015
|I founded my first own company at age 15; my main inspiration was the gray city I live in
2 - only the clashing of beliefsthe contrast in beliefs will set forth new ideas While other universities may as...
Undergraduatejbuddenberg - Jan 13, 2015 / miraheta - Jan 14, 2015
|'Computer Science Major'; Co-op program for student internships - Georgia Tech Short Essay
2 - Hi, I think I don't like the word 'boasts' in that first sentence because it has negative connotations. Maybe...
Undergraduaterfmoon - Jan 10, 2015 / EF_Kevin - Jan 14, 2015
|4 feet 10 inches faced, black eyes, brown hair, slender body and a little sense of humor
Undergraduatesohail110 - Jan 13, 2015 / sohail110 - Jan 14, 2015
|Studying in Japan, one of the most technologically advanced countries in the world, is my dream
Undergraduateoui3280 - Jan 13, 2015 / miraheta - Jan 13, 2015
|Why Chapman? Because Leia likes it.
UndergraduateEmelyMorales - Dec 31, 2014 / miraheta - Jan 13, 2015
|A 500-word biography that outlines your educational and extracurricular interests.
2 - Ever since I can connect with reality, my fascination for the Arts was unlimited. If you are referring...
Undergraduateharold404 - Jan 11, 2015 / marissa - Jan 13, 2015
|Imagination - lazing around or dozing off at my grandmother's home
4 - hi @vangiespen, sorry for the long period of absence. i have read your comments and they make a lot...
Undergraduatejacko1985 - Jan 7, 2015 / jacko1985 - Jan 13, 2015
|Linkedin Statement - determination and drive to excel inside and outside the classroom
Undergraduatejuanmarman - Jan 10, 2015 / juanmarman - Jan 13, 2015
|Leadership is one of those qualities that everyone possesses - UGA: Admissions Philosophy Statement
NEW - The UGA faculty has determined that the student body should demonstrate the qualities listed in the Admissions Philosophy Statement....
Undergraduatesouthernbelle - Jan 13, 2015 / — -
|A Reed education will transform me into a more erudite person - Why Reed Essay
UndergraduateJYKHSH - Jan 10, 2015 / jbuddenberg - Jan 13, 2015
|Why Computer Science? (USC). All you do is sit in your room, type "ifs" and "elses", and compile.
Undergraduatemysteryswaggyp - Jan 12, 2015 / mysteryswaggyp - Jan 13, 2015
|I couldn't believe I was getting eyeliner put on me, never had I imagined this would happen.
Undergraduatedfulleriii - Jan 11, 2015 / dozazgirl - Jan 12, 2015
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