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AADP charity - Extracurricular Activity for Common App


FakeWingZ 2 / 6  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Asian American Donor Program (AADP) is a charity organization that matches patients and bone marrow donors. I initially supported office operations such as copying and filing. Later extending my responsibilities to phone duties; putting together donor test kits; making calls to reach out to potential donors; and gathering donors' and patients' information. In supporting the staff at AADP and talking to donors and patients, I got a good understanding of the plight of patients who need bone marrow transplants and the difficulties of locating matching donors. I have learned about those in need of healthcare and the challenges they confronted. With an aging population in the US, I feel healthcare is a good place for me to build my career. Through this and another healthcare internship with the City of Alameda, I got a better perspective about the needs of my community.

Can someone help me edit for content and grammar? Thanks!

tkkt1 11 / 47  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
Later extending my responsibilities to phone duties; putting together donor test kits; making calls to reach out to potential donors; and gathering donors' and patients' information.

This is a sentence fragment, it lacks a subject. Who is doing all these things? Also, semi-colons should be replaced by commas instead.

In supporting the staff at AADP andBy talking to donors and patients, I got a good understanding of the plight of patients who need bone marrow transplants and the difficulties of locating matching donors. I have learned about those in need of healthcare and the challenges they confronted.You learned of that such people just existed? What are you trying to say in this sentence?

Just take my changes as suggestions. Good luck!

Return the favor and please read my essay:
demuredelight 2 / 22  
Dec 29, 2009   #3
You can be brief with details of your duties but give more weight to how your experience with AADP affects your personal goals. Since you got a better understanding of plight of patients, you determine to pursue career in healthcare to alleviate their suffering or any other purpose. Make it straightforward.
OP FakeWingZ 2 / 6  
Dec 30, 2009   #4
Thanks you for your advice! I'll try to help you revise your essay, although I'm not very confident about how much I could help you.


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