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"abducted during the night from his home in northern Uganda" -ComApp Issue of Concern


meegggan 3 / 7  
Dec 29, 2010   #1
I will be submitting this essay to American University, New York University, and Stanford University on Commonapp.com so I want to make sure it's well-written!

Prompt: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

Jacob Acaye was eleven years old when he was abducted during the night from his home in northern Uganda to serve as a child soldier. Jacob is just one of the thousands of enslaved children that make up 90% of the rebel group, led by Joseph Kony, called the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA). Since the 1980's, these people have been waging war against the Ugandan government in an effort to gain revenge for the Acholi people who feel as though they have suffered discrimination since the British colonized Africa in the 1800's, and believe that God has instructed them to gain revenge by overthrowing the Ugandan government. Unfortunately, in their attempts to acquire justice for themselves, they have caught upwards of 100,000 innocent Africans in the mess.

The LRA works brutally and stealthily, wreaking havoc on African communities in Uganda, Sudan, Central African Republic, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and displacing many terrorized citizens who have nowhere to go but crowded and dirty refugee camps. At night, they strike again, forcing many children to "night commute", or travel away from their homes to safe places after dark in an effort to be absent when the LRA arrives to collect them. Those who stay behind, like Jacob, are frequently snatched by the LRA. Those who try to stop the LRA, like Jacob's brother, are killed. Prisoners of the LRA, no matter what race, age, or gender, are subject to rape, being bound up, beatings, mutilations such as having body parts cut off, and death. The children enlisted as soldiers are forced to beat, mutilate, and kill other victims, sometimes even their family members, or face their own horrible deaths. If anyone tries to escape the LRA, they are murdered.

A charity named Invisible Children is working to stop the misdoings toward these helpless adolescents who are dubbed "invisible" due to the fact that they are a dilemma often overlooked by outsiders and even the LRA, their own army, who claims that they don't exist. I have supported Invisible Children on different accounts through donating money and raising awareness in my community. Last year, I participated in an event called the Rescue by "abducting" myself and spending the night in a park away from home with other volunteers until a state congresswoman arrived to pledge her support of a quick and peaceful end to this war. In the future, I plan to work as an intern "roadie", traveling around the country and hosting screenings to involve our youth with the program.

This cause is so important to me because these youth in Africa are part of our world's future leaders and especially in a fragile and developing continent like theirs, they cannot afford to waste so much time trying to stay alive and out of the hands of the rebels, when they should be receiving a beneficial education to help them grow into future problem solvers. I believe that with all the resources and opportunities I have been given and our minors are offered here in America, it is our duty as the prosperous to give back and share our power with the misfortunate around the world.

It seems short because I originally wrote it for another application that allowed a maximum of 500 words... should I make it longer? Anything I need to change? Please critique with honesty! Thankyou!
Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 29, 2010   #2
I liked you essay, especially the last paragraph where you relate the organization to yourself ans state your involvement and future plans with the organization. Thank you for reading my essay and good luck in the rest of your college admission process.
ltpvan 5 / 35  
Dec 30, 2010   #3
Since the 1980's, these people have been waging war against the Ugandan government in an effort to gain revenge for the Acholi people who feel as though they have suffered discrimination since the British colonized Africa in the 1800's, and believe that God has instructed them to gain revenge by overthrowing the Ugandan government

It's too wordy. You're trying to cram too much information in one sentence; instead, split it up like this:

Since the 1980's, these people have waged war against the Ugandan government in an effort to avenge the Acholi people, who suffered discrimination under the British colonial rule. They also believe that it is God's will that vengeance be dealt by overthrowing the Ugandan government.

Something like that

Prisoners of the LRA, no matter what race, age, or gender, are subject to rape, being bound up , beatings, mutilations such as having body parts cut off , and death.

If you want to include "being bound up", why not use the word "imprisonment" to have parallelism.

Mutilation is self-explanatory, "such as having body parts cut off" is redudant

The children enlisted as soldiers are forced to beat, mutilate, and kill other victims, sometimes even their family members, or face their own horrible deaths.

If it were me, I would not include "beat, mutilate, etc." again and instead do this:

The children enlisted as soldiers are forced toinflict the same acts of violence against others, sometime even to their family members, or face their own deaths.

Overall, very unique issue. I'd say you should revise some of the longer sentences to make them less wordy and clutter-y.

Good luck :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 18, 2011   #4
This essay is as good as essays get, very strong. For this prompt, you could not have chosen a better topic than this, because it is indeed an issue of importance to say the least. My favorite thing about this essay is that it shares specific facts that make the reader stop to reconsider and reflect... only good writing can inspire a reader toward reflection.

And you even have some action you are going to take (roadie). I think you should feel very confident about this essay. All I can think of to improve it is to express your career interests and discuss the role someone in your chosen career field can play in addressing this problem.


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