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From 2015 ability to buy or sell unhealthy snacks and drinks at school has been removed

kamen15 1 / 2 1  
Jan 1, 2015   #1
Prompt: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

As of the beginning of this 2014-2015 school year the ability to buy or sell unhealthy snacks and drinks at school has been removed. This decision was made known when the U.S. government announced its "smart snacks in schools" nutrition standards. It set limits for the foods that are not a part of the regular school meal in terms of calories, fat, sugar, and sodium. These rules weren't set to effect any snacks sold at after school or at any fundraising events. My school district made the decision to extend the standards on school organizations as well. This restricted clubs and other student organizations from selling these snacks to raise money. For example my school had icees for students to purchase in support of which ever student organization was serving the drinks that week. Most of the icee profits went to our fine arts department. On Thursdays, one club was also chosen to sell pizza during lunch to raise money for upcoming events the club needed funds for. The lines for both of these snacks were always extremely long and each organization got the money that they needed and sometimes a little extra. In Edmond each high school selects an organization to fund raise for in February. The largest amount raised in one week was over $300,000, and that was only from one school high school. These fundraisers are geared towards local non-profits so they have made a significant impact on my community. Students soon started to realize that the regulations set by the school district also affected the fundraising week. It not only made students upset but teachers as well. Many of our teachers are club sponsors as well so they would have to find new ways to get funds. I took sociology this year with the schools debate couch. He informed us that the icees last year alone brought $40,000 to the school but now with that money not available he had to find new ways of getting money to take his debate team to compete in places like Dallas. My school is not the only school that has been in this situation its effected the other local high schools and middle schools. I fully support the push towards healthier choices for students around the U.S. but many students and teachers would agree that an alternative to fundraising, by selling snacks and drinks, needs to be found as soon as possible. I'm afraid that if this doesn't happen schools will start losing the organizations and clubs that keep some students interested in school whether its a sport, an instrument, or a club.

Any criticism is welcome if it helps me write a better essay.
nkp28 1 / 20 1  
Jan 1, 2015   #2
One thing to keep in mind: this prompt acts about how it affects YOU. I think you either need to choose something that more directly affects you in some personal sense, OR you need to make it so this seems more personal or less research paper-y. You have amazing facts and ideas going on her, but you need to interject yourself more and talk about why YOU are so passionate about this issue, not teachers.

Aside from that the only criticism I have is that I think it may be beneficial to separate this essay into paragraphs to signify the transition from idea to idea, point to point, and to also make it an easier read for adcoms, not just literally, but on the eyes as well! If you update your response at all, I would be more than happy to read it, I wish you the best of luck, I know you can do it!! (I'm with you on the due by midnight thing, would you mind checking my essay out?)
takinwe124 2 / 3 2  
Jan 1, 2015   #3
Good topic but this seems way too expository, like you're just listing off something. I agree with nkp28 that you should make it more personalized and more analytic. How did the situation truly make you feel and how'd you respond? Plus, try relating back to the bigger context-the nation. You talk about how you're afraid that schools will lose funding, elaborate on that and separate it into a new paragraph, as a kind of response to the situation.

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