Hey everyone,
I cam across this site and love how much help is given in critiquing everyones papers. I'm no english scholar, but have to write this essay for admitance into university of texas austin. Below is the work I have so far. I'm not sure if a conclusion is needed but I was having trouble adressing that I value school, never skip, and so on. Thanks for the help!
Throughout my life I've felt that I posses the ability to lead. During my years of schooling classmates have always tended to look to me for an answer; for guidance in what they should do. The experience of leading ranges from organizing fundraising for my community problem solving team to encouraging...
after edits:
The combination of my leadership abilities along with my desire for new knowledge has led me to define my goal in life as becoming a successful and well-known businessman. Throughout my life, I have felt like a leader. During my years of schooling classmates have always tended to look to me for an answer, for guidance in what they should do. For instance, I led my community problem solving team in setting up various fundraisers to help raise money for a van that is being used all across Ellis County. Along with such projects, I served as a mentor during my senior year of high school and always encouraged my students to push for the best. This invaluable quality sets me apart from the crowd, and I believe it what is necessary to ensure my acceptance to the University of Texas at Austin.
During my elementary years, when I would arrive home from school, my father always insisted on asking what we did in class that day. When I would answer with a short and simple "nothing," he would proceed to tell me that I could consider my day insignificant until I acquire new knowledge. This inspired me as a child and continues to fuel my passion for learning to this day. I am always eager to come across new information and quick to spread it along to others in hopes that they will enjoy what I have provided them with.
Seeking acceptance to McCombs School of Business is a necessary step in reaching my goal as it is distinguished as one of the best in the nation. Once admitted I plan to take part in the Leadership Program, which I feel will greatly enhance my abilities and strengthen me as an individual. Along with the LP I am excited to be a part of the internships that McCombs has to offer. My skills can be nurtured and defined among the elites that teach there, and their insight along with my hard work ethic will do nothing other than set me up for success. Being the first of my family to go off to a university, I want to make them proud, and be the first of a long line of University of Texas alumni to come.
Hi Brad!
Can you give us details on the prompt--is this for the undergrad biz program? What's the word limitation? What is the prompt exactly--is it a short leadership essay?
Best,
Brooke
The prompt is pretty much to state anything that you feel your application doesn't say. This is for just a transfer to Ut, and the word limit is 120 lines.
This should be a dash instead of a semi-colon:
During my years of schooling classmates have always tended to look to me for an answer -- for guidance in what they should do.
...and I believe it what is necessary to ensure my acceptance to the University of Texas at Austin.---- because of this sentence, it would be good to spend a sentence or two in the middle paragraph explaining something you are going to do. I would change it to say this:
...and I believe it what is necessary to ensure my acceptance success at the University of Texas at Austin.
(and then in para #2 you should tell about some things you are going to do during your time there. Name specific clubs and programs, and tell about a clearly envisioned plan. A leader has to have a plan.)
:-)
thanka kevin, i was thinking i should maybe explain what my role in the community service projects were? or explain about PAL?
The experience of leading ranges from organizing fund raising for my community problem solving team to encouraging my elementary school PALees to always push for the best. ---- I guess it is a good idea to explain PALees a little. You should take this sentence and move it out of the first paragraph. Move it to paragraph 2, and let paragraph 2 be all about these experiences. That will add some substantial ideas/examples to back up your claims about leadership.
I look forward to the next draft!
:-)
Well, after taking into consideration what you guys have told me along with what the writng center here has to offer here's my updated paper.
READ ABOVE
