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Ability, motivation, attitude - personal statement


gujupatel 2 / -  
Dec 13, 2008   #1
I wrote a essay for college and its my choice topic and i wrote a essay so i just need to know that is it right or is there any mistake in essay.

Personal Statement

Ability is what one is capable of doing. Motivation determines what one does. Attitude determines how well one does it. What does Neha mean? It means the one who is loving and affectionate.

Being that I am from a foreign country has given me many privileges. My first language is Gujarati, then English. When I moved to the United States, I knew I had many things to look forward to because I knew I would have a better life here. My family has always been my greatest inspiration. They have helped me with many achievements and always motivate me to educate myself.

I am capable of achieving above my own expectations. I have a lot of confidence in myself; I have a good attitude toward life. I am now grow intellectually and spiritually I am getting older and wiser I know that God has great plans for me.

My goal is to gain skills that I need to lead a successful and productive life, to become well-educated in many things, to expand my knowledge of the world, to expand my comfort zone, and to become more productive. I want to become a businesswoman and I determined to win the goal and achieve what I want to become and my family strive to make sure I reaches it. My goal is to receive a full ride scholarship and to go college and make something out of myself.

After high school I want to attend a college with small class sizes and a strong Business program. I want to major in Business and I want to become an accountant. Accountants provide the data required to assess the present and future economic activities of individuals, businesses, not-for-profit organizations, and governmental bodies. I think this college school should accept me because I am a hard working student, and I want to aspire to become CEO in business. I want college to be a life-changing experience for my life and I want the four years of college to be the best. I want to get in to your college because I think it will make my dreams come true and I will achieve the goals that I need to become a businesswoman.
JSFlash 9 / 30  
Dec 13, 2008   #2
Hey Jasmin, I'm not a mod, but here's my advice:

Change:
Being that I am from a foreign country has given me many privileges.
To:
Being from a foreign country has its benefits.
or
The fact that I am from a foreign country has presented me with many privileges.

Change:
My first language is Gujarati, then English
To:
My first language was Gujarati. (Leave out the "english" part, because it's self explanitory; you're writing in english)
or
I learned Gujarati before I knew any(or "a word of") english.

Change:
They have helped me with many achievements and always motivate me to educate myself.
To:
They have helped me with many achievements and they've always motivated me to pursue an education. (the major change is in making "motivate" past tense so the entire sentence is in one..."tense")

Change:
I am now grow intellectually and spiritually I am getting older and wiser I know that God has great plans for me.
To:
I am growing intellectually and spiritually; as I get older and wiser I know that God has great plans for me

Change:
...to become well-educated in many things,...
To:
...to be considered educated on many subjects, ...

I mean I'm definitely no substitute for a mod, and all I did was attempt to help a bit with the grammar, but hopefully I was a bit helpful. Good luck with the apps!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 14, 2008   #3
Hi!

Well, when you refer to a word, it is good to put it in " " quote marks. And I made another change, too:

"Ability" is what one is capable of doing. "Motivation" is what determines what one actually does with his or her ability . Attitude determines how well one does it.

Now, for the rest of it, JSFlash made good calls, for sure, and I'll just add whatever comes to mind for me. Different people catch different mistakes...

Now, right here (below) you start talking about something totally different!! So, you should transition somehow...

My name, Neha, means, "the one who is loving and affectionate."
Being from a foreign country has given me many privileges. My first language is Gujarati, rather than English. When I moved to the United States, I knew I had many things to look forward to because I knew I would have a better life here.

So, above, I separated the different topics. Can you put them in order so that you talk about "ability" and "motivation" in one paragraph, and mention how your parents inspire and motivate you... and then talk about the other topics, such as the meaning of your name, in their own paragraphs...

Good luck!

Kevin


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