May someone please proofread my essay. The prompt is "considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader university of pennsylvania
community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at penn?" Any and all criticism is welcome! Thank you!!
One of the reasons why I love Penn is because one can learn so mych in and out of the classroom. A student at Penn is not confined to the program or school that he or she is incolved in but can also choose to follow old passions or explore new interests. If given an opportunity to attend Penn, I look forward to restarting violin lessons, volunteering at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital, and traveling abroad.
I have always had a love for the violink. What playing the violin, or music in general, does for me is that it helps keep my scientifically- inclined mind from becoming too pragmatic. It helps balance my mind. I used to take violin lessons but painfully had to stop because of the time that my involvement in sports took. Now, being done with high school sports, I will have more time to pursue my love for the violin by taking music lesson given by the Blutt College House Music Program.
Attending Penn would be a great privilege. And while at Penn, I seek to not have just a "what can I gain from Penn" but also a "what can I give to Penn and its community" mindset. What first attracted my attention to Penn was its association to the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania, one of the top hospitals in the nation. One day, I hope to become a physician and by volunteering at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital, I will not only gain valuable insight and experience in the medical field by also get to help people in need.
The Penn Abroad program will allow me to fuse two of my favorite things: learning and traveling. As mentioned earlier, learning at Penn does not only have to happen in a classroom but can also happen outside of it too, like in a different country. Where Penn Abroad will take me, I do not know; however, this is one program that I cannot resist to take part in.
What I love about Penn is its lively atmosphere for learning, The actvities that I look forward to being a part of will only enrich to what I am learning in the lecture hall. Being able to take my part in the multi- faceted community of Penn is something that I look forward to if accepted to Penn.
I'm impressed by the aspirations you are writing about here, but look at the first and last sentence of the essay. They are boring! You definitely should never start with a boring sentence. Make it so that if a reader reads only the first sentence or only the last sentence, she will be entertained because of the interesting idea.
As mentioned earlier, learning at Penn does not only have to happen in a classroom but can also happen outside of it too---This theme about inside and also outside the classroom is not good, because it is something you could say about any school. You should replace this theme with a theme that is associated with your aspirations described in the essay.
:-)
