Hi, I want as much feedback as possible. Please, be critical and brutal. Tell me if it's structured weird, tense errors, misleading, unclear, leaving you with questions, etc. Fyi, this is incomplete in terms of the last paragraph, addressing how it reflects who I am.
Overall, I really want your impression of me, judging from this essay alone. Thank You!
Prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Essay:
From an early age, my parents instilled in me that my choices dictate who I will become. They said that I am an adult when I take responsibility; otherwise I am still a child, regardless of my age. One of the most important decisions I made happened in January 2010. I left the shelter of my parents' care to support my girlfriend. We had an abortion. Never before had I faced such challenges and changes all at once. I soon realized that I was not only dealing with our heartbreak but with the obstacles of living on my own means. Even though I did not have much money or all the necessary skills to be independent, I had a responsibility to the person I love and to myself. Hundreds of miles away and without the support of my family, these responsibilities guided me into adulthood. I was a boy embarking into the world where my parents naturally advised me to postpone, but I had a deep conviction that moving away was the right decision.
Independent living entailed cooking home meals, doing chores, and using public transit to commute between work and school. But faced with financial independence and minimum wage, maintaining a budget was the actual challenge. In order to get through the day, I ate a dollar bag of chips for lunch because this was what I could afford between rent and therapy. Unhealthy as it was, however, I poured most of my energy into recovering from the abortion. I was in a constant search for psychologists or therapists, who would counsel us for nearly nothing. Although I am proud that I was able to juggle both my life and relationship, I am particularly proud that I did not quit. This was most evident after my relationship ended, and consequently, my grades declined, along with my health. I thought everything I done went in vain, but losing what I had invested in for so long brought perspective. I am grateful to have journeyed so far for the person I love so dearly. Losing her did not mean losing my experience of independence or giving up on my responsibilities to myself. I continued to receive professional help and took a semester off to regain my health. This makes me proud of being a committed person, which, in this case, also makes me a proud self-reliant individual.
[-396 Words so far-]
[-Third paragraph-]
They said that I am an adult when I take responsibility; otherwise I am still a child, regardless of my age.
This sentence is a little confusing... maybe say this: My parents defined an adult as a responsible person, and an irresponsible person will always remain a child, regardless of his age.
I like the statement "We had an abortion" because it shows that you and your partner made the decision together, and that means a lot. You stood by your woman and supported her emotionally (i assume) You could expand on how this made you feel, and how you became stronger by making this hard decision. (I see that you did this in your last paragraph, actually)
You are correct in your 2nd paragraph, sometimes you just have to jump into the pool instead of putting in one toe instead.
All you need to do now is add these things to your paper:
1)follow through with the beginning of the essay, add a line about your parents ( I am curious, did they know about the abortion?)
2)Remember to stress this: hardship has generated strength in you, and that has inspired you to make goals for yourself. Make sure it is evident that you have short-term and long-term goals-- that you are "a man with a plan"
You have a great story, Good luck!
Thanks everybody for their input!
I know it's quite risky with the topic I posed here. Honestly, this is what I'm still going through as of now, so it's very difficult to sift out the details and find the core of it all. There's so many avenues I want to take with my story, but of course it has to be concise and full of information about me. Hopefully, I will post up my revised response soon.
