I was hoping someone could please read over my essay and provide some input before I submit it. Thanks in advance for any help
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
When my friend asked me to join our school's Academic Decathlon team, I was, at first, extremely reluctant. I was a junior, which at my school meant hell for one year. I was taking some of the most challenging and time consuming courses being offered, and I did not think I could afford to waste time attending the one to two hour weekly meetings after school. Nevertheless, after thinking about it and going to the introductory meeting, I decided that joining the team would be challenging but also rewarding. One of the main reasons I joined was the memory of my sixth grade Pentathlon, and how satisfying it was to study multiple subjects outside normal schoolwork.
After finally deciding to join the team, I found myself struggling in the first few weeks to keep up with the fast pace of studying and learning new material for the Decathlon team, while at the same time keeping up with my normal intense schoolwork. I decided that whenever a conflict occurred, my schoolwork would take priority over Decathlon. Fortunately, such conflicts rarely occurred, as I quickly learned to manage my time more efficiently.
The way we studied for the test was, in my opinion, exceptionally effective. Everyone would read the supplied packets containing an overwhelming amount of information on each subject. If questions arose, whoever had the greatest understanding of the topic would tutor everybody else. If nobody felt confident enough, we would ask a teacher or other faculty member to teach us. The former occurred much more frequently, as we were such a diverse group that it was almost guaranteed that one or people had a competent comprehension of the subject matter. In my case, as I was taking chemistry that year, not only did I educate others on some of the finer points of chemistry, but I even learned some of the material before it was covered in my chemistry class.
After months of rigorous studying, the first day of the competition arrived. On this day, we had to give two speeches, one of which was impromptu, write an essay, and give an interview. I was tremendously nervous, and did not do as well as I was hoping. This caused me to study even harder for the second day of the Decathlon, during which we took the tests on various subjects. I thought I had done reasonably well considering our team was almost entirely student run. Regrettably, I could not attend the Awards Ceremony later that month. The next day, our advisor announced we had won first place in our division, then proceeded to give everyone who had not attended the Awards Ceremony their prizes. I received eight medals and a certificate announcing a $400 scholarship for earning second place.
One of the main reasons I joined was the memory of my sixth grade Pentathlon, and how satisfying it was to study multiple subjects outside normal schoolwork.
Here is the sentence I don't like. It ends the first paragraph in a random sort of way. I think you can mention that pentathlete, but it is not the most important thing. End the first para with a sentence that gives a message to the reader, something you want the reader to remember.
Regrettably, I could not attend the Awards Ceremony later that month. ---Here is another example of a detail that is part of the story but not necessarily part of your PURPOSE in writing the thing. What do you want the reader to be thinking when finishing the essay?You want her to be thinking about a thought you have planted in here brain. So, as you revise, think about your main purpose in what you are doing. Always act based on the specific result you want.
:-)
