Describe your academic objectives and indicate how these are appropriate to your long-range goals.
Please include specifically how a Bachelor's degree from the University will contribute to your achieving your longer-range goals. (100 word maximum)
At age 14, I developed an app for teenagers to boost their productivity delving into app development; at age 16, I constructed an AI drone for the physically disabled, honing my robotics skills. Being an avid technophile, I am looking forward to building a solid academic foundation as a CS student at the University. My aspirations are in Artificial Intelligence, coupled with my keenness towards research projects. The University will guide me on my entrepreneurial endeavours and engine my dream of leading a tech company that pushes the world towards innovation to solve contemporary societal problems.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,124 3267
Start off with the actual topic sentence. Reverse the presentation to kick - off with, "Being an avid technophile..." Since that refers directly to the academic objective. Your aspiration statement quickly followed so your really presented a concise response to the writing instructions. Try to have a more solid representation of your interest in AI, use the age 14 reference point to indicate your long range career goals and how the university can help you build on that talent or help you further develop the app from long ago into a career defining or creating contribution. Mention how exactly you see the university guiding you towards achieving your academic and professional goals. Show a familiarity with the training program or internship opportunities of the department that will greatly enhance your chances as a future AI professional. You need to pick either age 14 or age 16 at this point. Whichever activity actually relates more to how you see yourself as an AI professional in the future.
The response you wrote is a very good draft. Which is why you had all this legroom to revise it into a better and more focused response. You did a good job in writing the draft response. You covered the bases, just not in the correct order for the presentation requirements.