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Academic opportunities;Yale Symphony Orchestra; Why Yale?


QWERTY1995 3 / 8  
Dec 29, 2012   #1
Note- characters pretty much maxed out, rough draft

I want to attend Yale because of its academic opportunities and also the Yale Symphony Orchestra.YSO enables me to continue music while I pursue other academic interests.One of my friends from highschool performs in YSO.He and I are similar cases.He told me that he chose Yale rather than a conservatory because Yale's 2-in-1 aspect was simply the best fit for students like him.I agree. No other school that I have researched gives me the opportunities in both academics and music that Yale does.
whitezebra 7 / 20 3  
Dec 29, 2012   #2
I tried to fix your grammar with as little characters as possible:

I want to attend Yale because of it's academic opportunities and the Yale Symphony Orchestra.

You wrote:

"One of my friends from highschool performs in YSO.He and I are similar cases.He told me that he chose Yale rather than a conservatory because Yale's 2-in-1 aspect was simply the best fit for students like him."

I changed it to:
One of my friends from high school performs in YSO, and he told me Yale's 2-in-1 academic option was a better fit for him than a conservatory.

The original has 209 characters, while the one I just posted only have 146. Hope I helped!
mahmoudjendy 7 / 17  
Dec 29, 2012   #3
not bad essay ... but try to show ur passion.... u talked about ur friend more than u talk about ur self.... try write a better one
bzn456 2 / 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #4
Try to mention specific professors or performances to show you have done the research and keep the focus off of you're friend when you have such limited character space.


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