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My academic performance when I was a sophomore.(Not more than 500 words)


Charz 3 / 33  
Jun 5, 2010   #1
On the year 2008,I joined Kibaha High School a High School for academic talented students after excellent performance in my CSEE National Exams.At Kibaha,I ranked the first in our class two consecutive terms with an avarage of A.I ranked the first in our school in the Mock Exams with an avarage of B+.At our Pre-National Exams I ranked the first in our school with an avarage of A.At my final form six National Exam year 2010,I ranked the Second Best student Nationaly with avarage of A.Also I ranked the first in Advanced Maths with a 91% mark.
Azeri 10 / 137  
Jun 6, 2010   #2
I am impressed with your accomplishments, but I think the writing is too short. The limitation of 500 words infers that you should write aproximately 200-300 words.

Regarding the content of your writing, it is dry. There is no introduction, body and conclusion. If you are required to list bare facts, then it is ok. However, if they demand you to write an essay, then you should add more color, embellish the writing.

Good luck!
OP Charz 3 / 33  
Jun 6, 2010   #3
Thank you Azeri.I did not give any introduction as this article one paragraph part of the Personal Statement that I'm about to write.I chose to thread in here paragraphs so that I may be able to get more feedbacks regarding the part so that once I'm done with it,I'm real done.

Well,regarding more colors,I may opt to show how my life at Kibaha helped me to attain those grades.In addition,I can add also how I made it to the top 5 in Physics and Chemistry subjects. (Awww too bad,I forget to mention what subjects I were taking.Now I'm seeing more colors to add ) Thank you.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jun 6, 2010   #4
This is impressive, but it is just a list of things. You should use the first sentence to present a THEME.
Then, write the other sentences in a way that upholds your theme.

eOn th year In 2008, I joined Kibaha High School, a learning institution for academically talented students after excellent performance in my CSEE National Exams. At Kibaha, I ranked the first in our class two consecutive terms with an avarage of A.I ranked the first in our school in the Mock Exams with an avarage of B+.At our Pre-National Exams I ranked the first in our school with an avarage of A.At my final form six National Exam year 2010,I ranked the Second Best student Nationaly with avarage of A.Also I ranked the first in Advanced Maths with a 91% mark.

avarage average

I love it! Your achievements are great. So, add a sentence to the beginning and give a theme. "First." I have been working hard to increase my opportunities, and my strategy has been to collect as many "firsts" as possible. In 2008, I joined Kibaha High School, a learning institution for academically talented students after excellent performance in my CSEE National Exams. At Kibaha, I ranked the first in our...

If you establish a theme of "firsts" the reader will really enjoy it more.

:-)
OP Charz 3 / 33  
Jun 6, 2010   #5
Sure Kevin! I enjoyed reading your correction more than my own posted thread (just playing).Now 2 threads are down thats equal to two paragraphs in my PS,3-4 more to go.Thanks guys keep on feedbacking me though.
OP Charz 3 / 33  
Jun 7, 2010   #6
Hey one more question for you Kelvin if you do not mind.You have ommited ''the'' wherever I used it before ''first'' i.e ''I ranked first... '' took place of ''I ranked the first... '' did you have this idea in mind.''The'' could only be used if I added ''student'' in the sentence like '' I ranked the first student .... '' or? .If you have any better ideas or explanation about that please help me with them.

Thank you
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jun 7, 2010   #7
The'' could only be used if I added ''student'' in the sentence like '' I ranked the first student

This is an important qustion. When should I use "the"?!!

When you say I ranked first, it is like saying I performed best, or I scored highest. You can say I scored the highest, or I performed the best, but the word "the" is awkward here.

So, in this case, get rid of the word the.

However, sometimes modern people -- especially bilingual people, use the in the wrong places. I think it is okay! The world is globalizing, and language is changing faster than ever. Language has always been changing, and now that people of various cultures are coming together, it will change even more. So, keep practicing to learn what sounds awkward, but proceed with confidence, because your way is clear and impressive even if you misuse "the" sometimes. :-)

...my final form six National Exam year 2010, I ranked the Second Best student second nationally with an average of A.

When you say, "I ranked second," the reader understands that you mean second best.
OP Charz 3 / 33  
Jun 7, 2010   #8
Thank you,
I need not to review my English books anymore but recharge my mobile phone and log in to EF.Kevin and others are always around.Thanks you all :-)


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