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Academic and social communities in the University of Pennsylvania


pablito3 4 / 12  
Dec 30, 2009   #1
This is my Penn essay... im not sure if i really answered the prompt correctly... so can you guys help review. Please

Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania is most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community? (do not exceed one page)

It's actually quite ironic how I discovered the University of Pennsylvania. This past October, I was on a trip to visit another college near the Philly area when I first heard about the University of Pennsylvania. My curiosity took a hold of me, as I digressed from my main plans to go explore this ivy institution that I had never heard of. As soon as I stepped on the campus, I fell in love with UPenn; the ivy covered walls, the beautiful gothic architecture, the archaic buildings, the majestic Locust Walk, the lively and spirited atmosphere all made UPenn the most aesthetically pleasing university I had ever laid eyes on. On the airplane ride back to Los Angeles, I was left contemplating not the university I was supposed to visit, but the university that seemed like destiny had taken me to, UPenn.

At UPenn, the endless list of majors and minors will provide me with limitless opportunities to explore my intellectual curiosity. Currently, my heart sits with political science. However, I love the fact that UPenn has a strong focus on interdisciplinary learning, which will give me the opportunity to explore my other interests. Being a very active individual, health and fitness is very important to me. Thus, the joint minor in Nutrition offered by the School of Nursing and the School of Arts and Sciences would definitely be something I would be interested in.

Being a Hispanic student, I was attracted to the Latino Coalition because of its mission towards diversity and Latino awareness. Today, Latinos are unrepresented in universities, which is partly due to the small amount of resources and opportunities available to inner city Latino students like me. With the Latino Coalition, I will be able to celebrate our rich heritage and raise awareness towards Latinos on campus. I was also excited to know that La Casa Latina hosts a Mentorship Pathways Program, which helps other first year Latino students develop a clear path to success through mentorships. If given the chance to attend UPenn, I would one day love to mentor other Latino students on how to have a successful experience at UPenn.

Being an avid rock climber, I was elated to find out that UPenn has a climbing wall in Pottruck and its own climbing club. Rock climbing is like a mental release for me; I love that exhilarating feeling, the adrenaline rushing through my veins as I hang seventy feet above ground, hesitant to make the next move. The Penn climbing club regularly takes climbing trips outdoors to Bucks County, so I will still have the opportunity to pursue my passion of rock climbing. Even if I choose not to climb outdoors, I will still have Pottruck or Go Vertical, one of the largest climbing gyms in the East Coast, to satisfy my climbing needs. Not only that, but I will be amongst a community of climbers that shares my love for this sport. With the help of the Penn climbing club, I can help unite the climbing community at UPenn and help foster interest in climbing from other students at this institution.

Above all else, what makes the University of Pennsylvania unique is the diversity behind it. The diversity behind UPenn and Philadelphia makes this institution one of the most culturally rich places in the country. I love meeting new people, tasting new food and experiencing new cultures and going to school in the melting pot that is Philly would give me ample opportunities to do so. As a Latino student, I hope to add a new perspective to the mix that will only enrich the already diverse environment at UPenn.

As cliché as it may sound, UPenn is perfect for me.

OP pablito3 4 / 12  
Dec 30, 2009   #2
anyone please? ill read ur essay if u read mine
TC3 4 / 37  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
hi pablo! first, thank you for reading my essay and sorry this took so long!
as for your essay, i think its very well-written! i liked the beginning. i have one suggestion though. at the end, when you talk about diversity. your argument is a bit weak, since a lot of universities think they have diversity. so upenn is really diverse unless you have like facts or something to back it you know? i think you should write something else besides about diversity, like something specific (like your climbig wall one) i like that. no one would write something about that i think! hope i helped (=
OP pablito3 4 / 12  
Dec 31, 2009   #4
thx TC3.. now that i look back at it, the diverity part is kinda weak.
anyone else care to critique
sixfoottall 3 / 17  
Dec 31, 2009   #5
hey pablo! :) good job with ur essay.

just a few suggestion:
*My curiosity took a hold of me, as I digressed from my main plans to go explore this ivy institution that I had never heard of. As soon as I stepped on the campus, I fell in love with UPenn; the ivy covered walls, the beautiful gothic architecture, the archaic buildings, the majestic Locust Walk, the lively and spirited atmosphere all made UPenn the most aesthetically pleasing university I had ever laid eyes on. On the airplane ride back to Los Angeles, I was left contemplating not the university I was supposed to visit, but the university that seemed like destiny had taken me to, UPenn.*

i thought that this part was kinda unnecessary and not so relevant to the prompt. but if u think its important to you, just leave it there. :)

anyway, i think you've written this pretty well. just try to strengthen more on your point about helping the latinos and diversity bit. You're on ur way! Good luck with your apps. hope to see u at penn next year.

Andrew
OP pablito3 4 / 12  
Dec 31, 2009   #6
well its not really relevant, but it makes the intro catchy and it describes how I first became interested in upenn
and i hope to see u at penn next yr too!!!
qomoco 24 / 107  
Dec 31, 2009   #7
At no other college in the country will I find the diversity, the endless academic opportunities and the rock climbing community that I will find at the University of Pennsylvania.

Honestly, I think you should take this sentence out, like T said above. It's weak, if you can't back it up then throw it out.

and

ending with just this sentence looks fine to me, actually much better. Just my opinion.

As cliché as it may sound, UPenn is perfect for me.

can you read my poems

and essay please.
OP pablito3 4 / 12  
Dec 31, 2009   #8
OK I REWROTE PART OF THE LAST PARAGRAPH SO TELL ME IF ITS BETTER...PLEASE PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO GRAMMAR
qomoco 24 / 107  
Jan 1, 2010   #9
one question, are you sure this is not over one page?
twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Jan 1, 2010   #10
WOW this is really good!
I don't see anything wrong with it...and yes I think it does sound better

Would you mind helping me with mine?
Thanks!!!
kakashi1992 3 / 10  
Jan 1, 2010   #11
I don't think you should say "never heard of" ...perhaps something like:

I digressed from my main plans to go explore this ivy-league institution unbeknowst to me previously?

or just

I digressed from my main plans to go explore this ivy-league institution


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