Hello. I just wanted some criticism on my essay for NCSSM, a residential school in North Carolina. Any thoughts are welcome! It's even better if the review is done soon. Thanks!
Prompt: NCSSM is a community to which all members contribute. It is also a community in which all members benefit. Write an essay about yourself, describing the special abilities, skills, and experiences that qualify you for admission. Be sure to describe the contributions you will make to the school and how both the academic and residential experience will enhance your development as a scholar and as a person.
Essay:
Ever since I was in kindergarten, I have always been asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I have pondered that question for a long time. I have been interested in math and science since grade school, but my courses in social studies and foreign language have also been fascinating. In 2003, when I was in the seventh grade, I solved my question. After falling off my skateboard, I broke my wrist and went to the hospital. At the hospital, everyone around me was in need of help. After receiving my cast, I realized that I wanted to help people, just like how I was given help after breaking my wrist. I want to become a doctor. I believe that the courses that NCSSM offers, the challenging academic schedule, and the NCSSM experience in general can help me reach my goal.
NCSSM has some of the most interesting and in-depth classes that I have ever seen. I love biology and I am especially entranced by the biology offerings like Immunology and Molecular Genetics. These courses are not available in my current school and I would very much enjoy experiencing them. The variety of courses enthralls me further. Sports medicine and anatomy and physiology are two courses that are very appealing to me since I want to become a doctor.
Every single one of NCSSM's classes is at least at the Honors level. I have taken mostly Honors level courses in the ninth and tenth grades and I feel that I can do even better. NCSSM is a school that seems to bring out the greatest qualities in students by utilizing its tough standards and can make me work to my potential best. I enjoy being challenged and I believe that NCSSM can really make me grow into a better student.
The NCSSM experience differs vastly from the experience of a normal school. One difference is living on campus. I think that living in an NCSSM dorm can make me more independent and responsible. Living in a dorm can also prepare me for living on a college campus.
The NCSSM handbook states that part of NCSSM's mission statement is to assist in giving back to North Carolina. To me, this is one of the main reasons why NCSSM stands apart from other schools. I would like to help NCSSM on this mission and help give back to my community through service and volunteering. I have done community services before and I would like to continue at NCSSM. In the past, I have done gift wrapping for an animal shelter and I also did a school cleanup of Weatherstone Elementary.
Alongside helping the community, I enjoy being able to assist fellow students as well. If I were a student at NCSSM, I would love to be able to tutor fellow students that need help in their classes. I have tutored at my school's Homework Center, a club that organizes student tutoring. In my freshman year, I tutored peers in Algebra I and I currently tutor in Biology. I also tutor my little brother time to time in sixth grade math.
The motto of NCSSM is "maius opus moveo" which means accept the greater challenge. I want to accept the greater challenge and be a student at NCSSM. By attending NCSSM, I believe that I will be able to take more interesting and challenging classes and experience a new lifestyle. I will definitely grow to be a better scholar, person, and member of the community. NCSSM will take me one step closer to achieving my goals.
(P.S. This isn't a part of my essay, but I should still indent my paragraphs even though I am turning this online, right?)
Greetings!
You have written a fine admissions essay! Congratulations!
I think you said exactly what you needed to. You clearly stated your reasons for wanting to attend NCSSM, and your career goals as well. I think the fact that you have volunteered in your community and wish to continue volunteering at NCSSM will work in your favor.
The only thing I might suggest is that you consider whether the word "entranced" is exactly what you mean to say. This may be precisely what you are feeling, in which case it is fine. But to me, "entranced" has a kind of mystical connotation, which might not be the effect you want to create. That's just my personal opinion. ;-) (You might consider "fascinated" instead.)
I agree that you should format your essay as though you were turning it in on paper. That would, indeed, mean indenting your paragraphs.
Excellent job! I wish you the best of luck!
Linda, EssayForum.com
