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Acceptance to my dream career. I am extremely excited and ready for this new chapter in my family.


perlamartinez5 1 / 1  
Apr 23, 2015   #1
As a first generation high school graduate, a first generation community college graduate, and future first generation nursing graduate. I am setting the standard for the rest of my siblings. I have had several roadblocks that have reflected in my grades, but the setbacks have only launched me towards pursing my dream.

Throughout school the most traumatic experience has been my three year old cousin who passed away from brain cancer. In a three foot long coffin laid my cousin who appeared to be asleep. That image awoke my desire to go after what I have always wanted to become; a superhero for children who are sick and want to feel super themselves. As could be noticed my college education has been dented plenty of times, due to countless hardships, but I have the faith in myself to pursue my goal of becoming a nurse.

A nurse dispenses comfort, compassion, and love. Children with cancer cannot fight their sickness alone. I have worked since I was fourteen years old to help out with finances; in return I learned that hard work is the only thing that will make your future what you want it to be. I have mostly worked in customer service through retail. I have learned the people skills I will require as a nurse. I have had to adjust and work well with others. I understand the need of people. For instance a mother might have a sick child, and feel like the world is collapsing around them feeling hopeless. In return the parents release their frustration on others such as the nurse. I have acquired those people skills through my experiences with frustrated customers same as I would be helping families feel secure.

Along with working customer service I have been involved in my church and special events. I have done over 500 hours in community service through church and volunteering events. Every year since high school during the holiday season I would work with other members of the church to help gather gifts for homeless families. I taught children in sunday school and helped other teachers with their classes. I have worked with children of all ages, ranging 7 to 16 year olds. I have also worked with more rebellious type of teenagers. I mentored at a middle school, and that experience was extremely gratifying. Helping teenagers understand that education is the only way to change your future.

Education and sticking to this nursing program through UTMB will change my future. It will teach me to become the best nurse I can be. Children are my motivation, and my strength. If I could help a child feel better through faith, education and hard work and help them understand, the world is in your hands, and anything is possible with that indestructible combination. I believe my perseverance and determination will help me achieve my goal.

I am an empowered individual who will put others before myself, and that is what a nurse is. I will go above and beyond to help those most vulnerable in our community. Children will always need someone to look up to, and I am ready to help heal those children. I stand firm in my career goals, and will persist to proceed in my dream. I am devoted to becoming a superhero for those children through the program at University of Texas Medical Branch. I put my best foot forward and will work hard in the program to become my families first nursing graduate.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Apr 23, 2015   #2
1st paragraph: When you start the first sentence you have to say, "I am a..." Then you can begin describing how you are the first in your family to have certain achievements. If you don't add this to the beginning of this sentence it is an incomplete sentence. I'm confused about how the roadblocks reflected in your grades. Did you use this as a motivating force to improve your grades or get good grades? I think a simpler way of speaking about your dreams would be to say that they "have motivated me to pursue my dream". You didn't see them as setbacks because you were determined.

2nd paragraph: Throughout school, my most traumatic experience has been when my three year old cousin passed away from brain cancer. (I want you to change your sentence. You can see it is easier to read). Change awoke to awakened. I wouldn't use the word dent. You could delete this portion and just discuss that although you experienced hardships, you have the faith to pursue your goal of being a nurse. If you do this, you will have a good transition and the reader will know exactly what you are passionate about.

3rd paragraph: I would delete the 3rd sentence where you discuss that you have been working since the age of 14. Then I would start this sentence by using, "Although," and state how you worked in customer service in a retail environment. Change need to needs of people. Change to world is collapsing around her.When you switch to discussing parents this can be confusing. I would continue to say mother since you use it as an example. It would read the "mother might release her frustration". Read this paragraph again after changes are made.

4th paragraph: Place a comma after customer service. Place a comma after season. Add the word from after ranging when you discuss the 7 to 16 year olds. When you discuss mentoring children, I want you to add the sentence at the end of this paragraph after children. This will no longer be your last sentence. This is how it would look: I mentored at a middle school, helping teenagers...., and that experience was gratifying.

5th paragraph: Great ending! Just start the last sentence with: I will put...

I am sorry for your loss. I wanted to help in some way and I hope these changes help you.
OP perlamartinez5 1 / 1  
Apr 23, 2015   #3
Thank you so much. I missed all those small mistakes to make the essay a lot smoother. I am extremely grateful for all your suggestions!


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