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An Accident - Yale supplement, is effective to convey a sense of adventure?


Eddy92 3 / 7  
Dec 14, 2009   #1
Yale supplement requires me to submit another essay that could be anything I like,do you think it is boring or bland?Waiting for replies.

An Accident
Bang!And there I was,crouching on the ground in great agony while watching my skateboard shooting straight forward.I lifted my left arm.It was numb and a little twisted,apparantly it was fractured inside and my performance of the new trick kickflip was a failure.Soon some kids in the playground came around and helped carried my skateboard as we walked back to the classroom.I thought I could bend it back by myself in a minute but I was wrong,it didn't look good and I had to leave the school to consult a doctor.So frightened,mom and dad dragged me into a cab and hurried the driver to speed to the most famous local osseous doctor,a rather old man with great skill in curing fractures in a traditional,chinese way.The old man took my drooping arm and pressed here and there deftyly with his fingers.Head holding up and eyes squinting to concentrate,he soon pinpointed the problem."Lie on the bed,son.You guys hold his limbs and don't let him kick or struggle."He placed his order at once.The next few minutes felt like the longest surgery I have ever experienced.I kept screaming and somehow managed to repress the inclination to struggle while he was bending my hand slowly but with considerable strength.After a little while of excruciating shrieking,I was fixed.He plastered my arm and told me very seriously that I would have to experience one month like the disabled.

Next day I went to school with an arm wrapped up in white.The whole class burst to laughter when I appeared at the door and exclaimed it was the best April Fool's day ever.What a coincidence!In school I became the most eye-catching object,there seemed to be hundreds of pairs of eyes on me wherever I went.I didn't really try to truly understand my decision to pick up this sport until that day.

On holidays when I was alone I used to read books,play guitar,do math puzzles or surf on the web.Nearly two years ago,I suddenly realized that I had stepped into the stage of a big teenager and none of my hobbies could consume all the extra ATPs.I was so restless.Accidentally I watched the X-games and marveled at all the stunts performed on a tiny piece of wood.Then in the winter of 2007,skateboard came to my life.It was portable,cheap and most importantly,it had thousands of tricks for me to conquer or even invent so theoretically I would never get bored.I was easily addicted to this enchanting board of uncertainties.Nobody played it here before,so I bought one from the internet and learned by the mere videos on youtube,it was good to understand English.Then for part of my leisure time I was alone under the shade of a huge tree on the quiet narrow streets downstairs,jumping more than two hundred times to learn a new trick.Beads of sweat formed streams on my face,my chest,flooding everywhere before soaking me completely and every once a while there was a remark floating past my ear,"this kid sure toils hard!"

After this accident some friends kindly offered their advices that I quit for this extreme sport had so a high a probablity of injuries.However,I was aware of it at the beginning.I never had any tendency for self-injuring.In fact,I just wanted to push myself a little further,to meet a new challenge,I could well justify the deed of vegging out in front of a TV that I had been working hard in school on weekdays.But I only intended to do all the things for fun and to prove myself,mentally and physically.And I do admire those who would not get satisfied with a easy life.Mountain climbers,astronaumers,and scientists.Benjamin Franklin even experimented with a kite to prove that lightning was electricity.The love for science overcame the fear of death.For me at least I could try something new and adventurous,to feel the wind whistled by when I ollied up to the air and temporarily liberated myself from the restrictions of earth. .

Two months later when I picked up my board again all my friends gave up their hopes of convincing me.I started again,jumped another two hundred times before mastering the very trick that had given me a bone fracture.You can imagine my great rapture when I catched the board in the air and landed on the ground steadily.Now,as a matter of fact,skateboard has become a useful bridge to make friends with daredevils like me.Occasionally when I was performing on the street a teenager would stop me to ask me to be his teacher.After half a year we have even started a small club of our own,with the motto,"Take a risk and have fun"..
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Dec 14, 2009   #2
A correction to your first sentence -- about all I have a chance to read -- ...while watching my skateboard shoot forward.*
Rowa 5 / 15  
Dec 14, 2009   #3
that I had stepped into the stage

I think its onto...

So frightened

delete the "so"

mom and dad dragged me into a cab and hurried the driver to speed to the most famous local osseous doctor

dragged?? a bit to intense...took me...
i don't think you should mention that the doctor is famous

in a traditional,chinese way

you dont need the comma

Overall i think you are using too much commas! some of the sentences can stand alone, and they are better when they do:)

GOOD LUCK
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 16, 2009   #4
On holidays when I was alone I used to read books,play guitar,do math puzzles or surf on the web.Nearly two years ago,I suddenly realized that I had stepped into the stage of a big teenager and none of my hobbies could consume all the extra ATPs.I was so restless.Accidentally I watched the X-games and marveled at all the stunts performed on a tiny piece of wood.

Okay, you are leading my attention all over the place. You begin talking about an injury, and then you talk about an experience with the physician... and then it seems that this essay is going to be about your process of enduring a month of being disabled. But now you are talking about the significance of skating... I'll keep reading...

Okay, I see that you make some great observations about the process of healing, the significance of skating... but I want you to revise for conciseness by taking out some unnecessary words and sentences (the Ben Franklin sentence, for example, is unnecessary). Also, I think instead of talking about how skating has introduced you to other daredevils, tell the reader how it made you understand yourself better -- and it helped you to know what you want to study in college.


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