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For Those Who Can't; accomplishment or event that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood


keellyross 1 / 1 1  
Aug 3, 2014   #1
This is for an application to college. The essay question is:
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

There is absolutely no feeling that compares. Standing on top of your high school's bleachers, clenching the shaking hands of your Co-Chairs and impatiently squeezing your eyes shut while you wait, back turned, for that "Wow Moment".

Nine months is a long time. Nine months to organize and fundraise. Nine months of a knot-filled back and sleepless nights. But only nine months to prepare an eighteen-hour long Relay for Life event.

The previous year's relay was my first and last as a team captain/participant. I sat in the first team captain meeting that year expecting to be bombarded with paperwork and a list of must-do's. Instead, I was entertained by a pre-made video that affected me more than I could have ever fathomed.

The video concentrated on the goals of Relay for Life through interviews of participants, American Cancer Society staff members and, most importantly, survivors. The survivors lit up the screen with twinkling eyes full of bliss. They appreciated life more than anyone sitting in that meeting. A smile grew on my face as I watched the free spirits of the survivors, yet my heart blackened with the thought of all the others; those who didn't get to walk the survivor lap at a relay event, those who were given an 'expiration date'. Those who, like my grandmother, had all the hope in the world but it was simply not enough.

I attempted to push the dark feeling away as I continued to watch the video. Faces continued appearing on the screen and stories were recounted but the whole while that feeling was still present. How was it fair that children, teenagers, men and women had to endure such a painful experience while still only having a slim chance of survival? I decided that moment that I owed all those affected by cancer. I was determined to make a change, because no one else seemed to realize the injustice they faced, the unfairness of cancer. Unlike them, I could still get up to go to the bathroom and sit up in bed; I was able to do simple things that they might never be able to do again.

At the end of the event that year I was a proud captain of a 50 person team which raised a total of $8,000. Not too shabby-but definitely not enough. By the next year's event, the urge to make a difference swelled within me. When the opportunity of becoming one of the four Event Co-Chairs for the next event presented itself, I couldn't have been happier to say yes. The responsibility of planning an 18-hour long event with an expected 1200 participants was slightly daunting, but the video I had seen at my first Relay for Life meeting replayed in the back of my mind as I remembered all the 'others'. This is what I owed them.

Nine months is what it took to plan that year's relay. When it finally arrived our community raised a record-breaking $139,000. Midway through the event a former Chair asked if I was ready for the "Wow Moment". I had barely begun to shake my head yes as she grabbed my hand and pulled me to the top of the bleachers where my Co-Chairs were waiting with their backs turned to the track. I joined hands with them and nervously shut my eyes. "Three... two... ONE," The feeling when we all spun around was simply indescribable. Everything we were looking at was organized by ourselves. All $139,000 was fund-raised because of an event which the four of us made happen. In just nine months we made a huge difference, but more importantly, we made it for those who couldn't.

While standing at the top of those bleachers I knew that the relay event would soon come to a close but my personal relay had only just begun. I walked into that first meeting a year and a half prior as a child with self-pertaining goals and I ended my journey on top of those bleachers a selfless and appreciating adult.
cpuissant 1 / 5 2  
Aug 5, 2014   #2
There is absolutely no feeling that compares <(compares to what? You shouldn't start off with a short sentence, you could say, "There is absolutely no feeling that compares to that night --however long ago it was--" or something along those lines)>.

Instead, I was entertained by a pre-made video that affected me more than I could have ever fathomed. <(either say "more than I could have ever fathomed or more than I could ever fathom" or just take out the ever)>

I was determined to make a change <(or ' assist the cause")>, because no one else seemed to...

Went through and made some changes that I thought were needed. This is a very well- written essay, good word choice and imagery. Very nice conclusion. Read through it carefully though, I made a lot of smaller changes. Hope this helped!


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