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Accountancy as my major, UIUC essay~ Academic Interest and professional goals.


hubiqrr 1 / -  
Dec 26, 2009   #1
Prompt:In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.
Please help me with my grammar and please give me some suggestions for improvement . Many Thanks and a late Merry Christmas to everyone.

After doing load of research and attending countless career forums, I decided to choose accountancy as my major since it best coincided with my academic interests and career goals. Accountancy is a branch of mathematical science. Mathematics is my favorite subject and I am fascinated by its logical and mysterious nature. To explore more about it, I took an advanced H3 course offered by Nanyang Technology University in my second year at Junior College. The course acquainted me with the knowledge of how math is applied to our real life through the examples of Google and Coding Method. Intrigued by these facts, my decision to study a math-related course was confirmed.

Though I want to study math-related course, I dislike my life to just be buried in mountains of number. I hope for a life full of challenges and risks as they force people grow up and mature. An accountant faces various demanding tasks such as analyzing the risks of an investment, interpreting the financial situation and recording the transactions. They require us to stay alert and be a life-long learner. That is exactly the career I pursue.

My father told me that 'you are not studying for yourself but thousands of impoverished and underprivileged people.' This faith has always motivated me to study hard and impelled me to participate in various community services. Studying accountancy could further equip me with the knowledge and ability to help people financially by advising them how to manage their income more wisely. Furthermore, I like working with people. Accountant needs to work closely with different groups like investors, shareholders and bankers. This will provide me precious opportunities to meet different people and open my horizon.

UIUC offers the most prestigious and vigorous course of accountancy. I believe I will receive promising education in UIUC and eventually fulfill my goals through perseverance.

(309)

EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
If you need to stay under the word count, you could take out the first sentence of the second paragraph without hurting the essay. Here are a few things I found to fix;

After doing a lot of research...

Though I want to study a math-related course, I don't want my life to just be buried under mountains of numbers .

Being an accountant requires staying alert and being a life-long learner.

Accountants needs to work closely...

I believe I will receive a promising education...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
Well, in the beginning, you say you chose accountancy because it is aligned with your goals, and then, all of a sudden, you start talking about math: "Accountancy is a branch of mathematical science. Mathematics is my favorite subject and I am fascinated by its logical and mysterious..."

The thing to do is this, I think:
...academic interests and career goals. (after this sentence, give a sentence that announces your interests and career goals. Announce a personal philosophy that will be the theme for the essay.)

Then, do a paragraph break!

Accountancy is a branch of mathematical science. This is too obvious. Don't tell them obvious things.

This is a good way to start paragraph 2:
Mathematics is my favorite subject, and I am fascinated by its logical and mysterious nature. To explore more about it, I took an advanced H3 course offered by...


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