Accounting - my reasons of transferring to State University

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. This personal essay helps us become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.

First of all, I began my professional degree at University of Montreal in 1991 as a full time undergraduate student, majoring in Business Administration. However, due to family financial constraints, after one year in university, I found that it would be better for me to work and pursue my educational goal at the same time. My education was further delayed due to the disabilities of my husband, who was injured while serving in the US Armed Forces. As a result, I worked full time to support my family and went to school part time in order to continue pursuing my educational goal. Finally, in June 2006, I successfully finished my Bachelor of Business Administration degree.

Secondly, drawing from almost 12 years experience of working in accounting, sales, and marketing firms in the US and Canada, I realized that I love working in accounting. All my works were relating to accounting and required me to have vast knowledge of day- to- day accounting practices. Thus, to further improve my career goals, I would like to have an opportunity to pursue the Accounting degree that I'm long looking for, as well as becoming certified as a Certified Public Accountant (CPA).

As a result, I would like to transfer to State University of New York because it is a great university that is close to where I'm residing, friendly faculties, great business programs with flexible schedules, and affordable tuition. Additionally, the graduate programs is one of the most important factor in my transferring decision. After a great length of discussion with the transferring counselor from the Admission Office and the Accounting department chairman, I believe that State University of New York is a perfect university for me to pursue my educational goals. Therefore, I have decided to enroll for the Spring 2010 semester, majoring in Accounting. I hope to become a certified CPA after completing my degree from this school.

luckybella

Please, your comments on my essay would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

^Id just like to start that this information over here, can definitely be omitted due to it's lack of effectiveness; it is redundant.


^This needs grammar revision.


^This too.

Alright...


^
The fundamental problem with your essay, is that you do not address the essay prompt. You do not state any reasons as to why you would like to transfer, and what objectives you hope to achieve.

You do provide some background on yourself, but you do not relate these to the essay prompt.

Your essay is looking great, but here are a few fixes and suggestions;

You don't need that first sentence, they know why you are going to write this! I think your essay should start here;

I began my professional...

...full time undergraduate student, majoring in Business Administration.

...after one year in university, I found that it would be better off for me to work and pursue my educational goal at the same time.

My education was further delayed due to the disabilities of my husband, who was injured while serving in the US Armed F orces.

...and went to school part time in order for me to continue pursuing my educational goal.

...looking for, as well as becoming certified as a Certified Public Accountant (CPA).

Thank you all for your comments, suggestions and corrections on my essay. I really appreciate it!

ABOVE is my revised version (after reading all your comments). Please, if you can help me on the structure and grammar (i'm good with numbers but not with words) and let me know if it is good to send. Thanks a million! Happy holiday!