Hi there. This is an application essay and they asked me to write about a random topic so I chose to tell them about what my passion brought to me. My writing is by far my weakest point and I don't know whether this arrangement is good or not, even though I had my friend proofread it already. I hope you'll help me fix my mistakes and show me how to shorten it (something like which part should or shouldn't be there and which part needs expanding) because it's somehow too long and give me some pieces of advice!
The essay should contain about 300 - 500 words.
"If so, what will you intend to do after graduation?" That was from my parents' frigid voice when I informed them about my future study at a university of fine arts. "Graphic Designer." I answered, and I always remembered how extreme their attitude towards my intention was. They turned it down without hesitation: "That's impossible. Your idea is merely an excuse for your low Math scores."
Up until that point, I didn't understand the reason why they had to be so harsh on me while they had said that they would have stood up for all my decisions. I lied to my family about my painting extra class that I took after school while I had agreed to them that I would have focused on my study. I did my assignments when I was attempting to master my skills in graphic software. But things did not happened as expected. My scores at school kept dropping and my teacher said that if I hadn't made any earnest endeavor, there would have been a high risk of my failing the university entrance exam. Success in that exam is vital to the Vietnamese, especially to senior high school students, although it doesn't shape your certain future or determine who you will be in society. And however passionate I was about art, I had to put it aside. My teacher's threatening words gave strong motivation for the progress in my study. Step by step I tried hard to focus on school study and eventually made a remarkable improvement in my scores.
Having received an offer for making an advertising poster for my school extracurricular activity, which was my first earnings, was a remarkable milestone of mine. Then I realized how important passion meant to me, even though there were no available good opportunities to develop it, deep down it was truly nurtured.
That I passed the exam and was given admission to 2 universities was out of everyone's expectation. The radiant faces with smiles of my parents on the day I received the results were truly precious to me. I later recognized the reason for their disapproval of my choice was that they just wished me to have a stable career for the future, as they thought artists were all weird and unsettled. Although I had to give up what I desired to do, I won over my family and got closer to them, which was more precious than anything else, and it's worth those sustained efforts.
After entering my current university, I decided to start my freelance job as a graphic designer. It was just a little amount of money that I earned from each product, which were mostly advertising materials, but the sense of independence when I spent my own money on my personal need, negotiation skills which I used to deal with the fastidious customers, times that I stayed awake all night to reach the deadline, and above all, the delight of doing what I was always passionate about, they were all about valuable experiences that I couldn't find anywhere.
"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want", it's my all-time favorite quote. The pathway to success is full of hardship but right now I'm not apprehensive of it. Although I can take graphic design as a part time job, but academic education about arts is what I always want to pursue. I believe that with your assistance, I will hone my inherent skills and get rid of my lingering mistakes, to bring my dream to reality.
I'm sincerely grateful to you for your time and for giving me a chance to tell a story about my long-life passion.
(612 words)
Your essay is a bit confusing to read. When you talk about passing exams to 2 universities, are you talking about your graphic arts studies or regular university? Please clarify those points for the readers and make sure that you are easily understood by the reader. I believe that you should revise the essay to instead focus on how difficult it was for you to achieve your desire to study graphic arts instead of confusing it with your almost failure to attend regular university. When you speak of a passion, you should strengthen that desire in the written word. Mention your parent's opposition to it and how you were pursuing it without their knowledge. You need to prove your passion for the arts and show that you will pursue it with or without the support of your family members. If you refocus your essay in the revision, you will find that your essay will reduce in word count and quite possibly fall within the word limit in the process.
