I'd like some ideas on my current Supplementary essay. Any advice would be appreciated and I'm willing to help anyone who needs advice as well
Prompt: We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you. (150 word limit)
Essay:R.E.D has been a wild roller coaster of indescribable experiences. From last minute trips to Florida to midnight basketball sessions R.E.D has changed my life. R.E.D. is an acronym for me and my friends Erick and Daniel's name. The name originally was an inside joke, but has grown to become a symbol of our friendship. The idea of a comic book nerd, a football player, and a preacher's son being best friends can be silly. Our personalities are not alike, yet it is this reason that we are able to have as much fun as we do. We bounce of each other elevating the simplest situations to critical level. R.E.D has broken me out of my shell. It's shown me the being with people like yourself is boring. It's helped me meet people I would never speak to. Most importantly it has given me the greatest memories of my youth.
Hi, I think what you have for your response to the question is very interesting, especially how you mention that both of your best friends are completely different in personality.
A few suggestions is firstly to answer the prompt completely, and focus more on the part about how RED has shaped you.
"R.E.D has been a wild roller coaster of indescribable experiences. From last minute trips to Florida to midnight basketball sessions R.E.D has changed my life. R.E.D. is an acronym for me and my friends Erick and Daniel's name." -- the flow here is not very smooth, maybe you can shorten the second sentence and make it run better. Also, clarify on what RED came from (say something like "RED was an acronym for my name, and my 2 best friends names, Erick and Daniel" but make it sound better than just that)
"It's shown me the being with people like yourself is boring" -- Is it really boring? Or is it more fun to have a larger variety of people?
I think you should fix up these few points first, and then see what else there is needed to fix.
Good luck!
thanks i hadn't noticed how weird the sentence does sound I'll be sure to change it around. Thanks for the advice!
Okay. I think this is a nice response. But you should elaborate more on why RED is a symbol of your friendship. For me, that sentence makes it seem like the name RED itself is symbolic, when really it's just an acronym...So either you take out that sentence and concentrate more on how your friends in RED have influenced you, or you analyze the name RED...like maybe you're passionate like the color red or something. Am I making any sense? The essay is good and everything, I just think the focus is unclear at some points. And the whole R.E.D thing is a tad confusing. Maybe just say your friends, because the acronym doesn't add much to your essay unless you analyze what the name means to you...
A few tweaks:
Our personalities are not alike, yet it is this reason that we are able to have as much fun as we do.
--> Though are personalities are polar opposites, these quirks spice up our friendship.
It's shown me the being with people like yourself is boring.
--> It's shown me that being with different people is a fun, eye opening experience.
It's helped me meet people I would never speak to.
--> My friends encourage me to make new relationships, try out new things. They push me to explore and discover the world.
Most importantly it has given me the greatest memories of my youth.
-->This sentence lacks oomph...Maybe replace it with something related to how you burst out your shell.
This is for Brown right? I applied two days ago and it's such a relief...Good Luck! And maybe, just maybe, we may see each other in Providence. LOL
