I really look forward to any comments and advice as always!!
This section is an opportunity for you to elaborate on the information you have provided earlier. You may discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is relevant to the course you are applying for admission.
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After review:
My love for Business and Economics took roots in the create-your-business "Civilization". The program allows high school students interested in economics to create their own business model and attempt to make it work. I took part in it three times in 2012, 2013 and 2014. Over the course of the year the participants meet once a week to to discuss and learn about the theory of Economics, Management and Finances, which are not, unfortunately, offered in Russia at the school level. In June, the practical part of the course is held in a hotel near Moscow. There, participants bring to life the projects they created during the year, compete on the market, unite into monopolies, bankrupt, start over again etc.
Three years ago this gave me the first taste of the way Business works and planted admiration for it. Learning to cooperate effectively, demonstrating initiative, taking risk, making on-the-spot decisions and accepting responsibility, solving challenging problems along the way inspired me to look into the rules of Economy in-depth. I was fascinated by the feeling of thrill when I was able to predict other participant's actions and the impact it was going to have on my current project. This consequently allowed to adopt my market polices accordingly and ultimately achieve my goals. The summer of 2014, was a culmination. The fight for success was ever so tense. After the previous year's many fruitless attempts, I felt proud to walk away with the highest prize for creating a uniquely sustainable business model.
Before I came across the Civilization I was not sure what path to choose in life. Studying Russian, English, Japanese, French and Spanish, among which only the last one I do not speak fluently yet, I was looking for a unique sphere. I struggled for opportunities to not only apply my knowledge for pure translation of other people's thoughts but as a tool for mutual understanding between colleges, partners and coworkers that could serve to broaden the horizon of my mind.
[b]I actually have a question for you. Could I post in this topic another essay I really need comments for because I don't feel like starting a new thread: it becomes acceedingly difficult to navigate through them. Plus, it would be nice not to draw too much attention to it.
Alina, post the essay here and we can give it a try. I am sure that the admin will let you know if you need to start a new thread for it. I believe I have helped some students before who also presented a new essay in the same thread. So it might be possible to do that. Give it a try :-)
The the essay that you wrote above is quite ready for submission if you feel it is ready to do so. I think it is but that opinion should not be your consideration. You need to ask yourself if it is ready. If you feel it is, they go for it :-)
I see your point about readiness of the essay but the thing is, once I post an essay here I am more or less content with it and already have done all the corrections that seemed necessery for me at first sight, unless I specificly write otherwise.. Maybe my approach is wrong, I don't know. So here it is your oppinion that becomes important :) Here is very important essay for me and I put a lot into it. Is it clear what I am trying to say? I would appriciate grammer corrections too.
"University X in the nation's service and in the service of all nations."
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It is 580 words. The limit is between 250-650 words.
Alina, I am unsure about how to help you with this particular essay because the essay prompt seems incomplete. I am not sure what it is that they euniversity expects you to discuss in this essay. So if you can clarify that point for me, I will be much obliged. What I can seem to guess though is that you are trying to discuss your experience as a volunteer an an elderly person's home for some reason. Am I right? I am not sure how the prompt expects you to connect this experience with being the in the service of all nations though. Perhaps the essay is asking you to discuss how you dealt with the various races and nationalities of the people in the home? I really need some clarification about the prompt at this point. I am quite lost as to how to treat your essay.
I see the mistakes and there is advice that I want to give you. However, I am not sure if the advice I will be giving is correct because of my doubt regarding the prompt requirements. So I will reserve those comments until I hear from you about the theme of the prompt. In the meantime, I would like you to know that this is a very well written essay just the same. I can see that you are doing your best to adhere to academic integrity and the essay IBC requirements, which greatly help your essay's overall format. So keep up the good work. I'll work with you on this thread as soon as I get the clarifications from you :-)
In addition to the essay you have written for the Common Application, please write an essay of about 500 words (no more than 650 words and no less than 250 words). Using one of the themes below as a starting point, write about a person, event, or experience that helped you define one of your values or in some way changed how you approach the world. Please do not repeat, in full or in part, the essay you wrote for the Common Application.
3. "The University in the Nation's Service" was the title of a speech given by Woodrow Wilson on the 150th anniversary of the University. It became the unofficial The University motto and was expanded for the University's 250th anniversary to "The University in the nation's service and in the service of all nations." Woodrow Wilson, Princeton Class of 1879, served on the faculty and was Princeton's president from 1902-1910.
