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ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP - GMU general admissions essay


flyhigh1030 1 / -  
Nov 28, 2009   #1
please read this essay and give me some feedback
i need some ideas as to how i could conclude this essay
thanks for reading

General Application:
In approximately 250 words, tell us about the most personally significant contribution you have made to a community through your participation in one of the activities you listed under ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP on this application. This personal statement is required. Since you are applying online, you must submit your statement with this application in the space provided.

My church choir director once asked me, "What is music to you?" At the time it took awhile for an answer to come up in my head. However, after my weekly performances, I was able to find the answer that fully expressed how I felt about music.

I joined my church choir in sixth grade because the church simply needed members to fill in empty spots. At first, I considered it as nothing more than a weekly "service" to the church. However, as I spent more time as a member, I found myself fully engaging into the musical conversations occurring during rehearsals and even subconsciously humming a recently performed piece of hymn at school. Every time sang a note, I could feel it reaching out to the audience and see their face expressions change to a smile as they absorbed the music. Also, other church members frequently approached and complimented me for being able to perform so wonderfully at such a young age and how I was helping our church grow. Those kinds of comments added to the satisfaction and enjoyment of my involvement in the choir. All these new experiences led me to believe that music is a way to communicate and provide service to those that desire it. Music provides comfort and peace of mind, and my weekly performances did just that to many of the church members that said the songs we sang provided them comfort and relaxation.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 30, 2009   #2
Use commas:
At the time, it t ook awhile for an answer to come up in my head. However, after my weekly performances, I was able to find the answer that fully expressed how I felt about music.

I joined my church choir in sixth grade, because the church simply...

All these new experiences led me to believe that music is a way to communicate and provide service to those that desire it-----> with this sentence, what are you really trying to say? People who appreciate the kind of music you play?

So... in a single sentence, state plainly what music is to you? A service? An Art? Comfort and relaxation? You should end this with a sentence that answers that question you posed.
t1292 11 / 21  
Dec 6, 2009   #3
. Every time I sang a note, I could
Answer what music is to plainly and out front in eitheir the first paragraph or the last.
This essay is alright but it lacks a clear point?
You didn't hit the SO WHAT.
As my english teacher calls it.


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