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ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP essay, how does it look? Improvements?


sooshi 1 / 1  
Jan 6, 2010   #1
Hi, heres an essay that im planning to use for my application. It actually has to be more or less than 250 words, relatively close, but my breaks 350 at 374 words. Any suggestions? Here is my essay:

The prompt:
In approximately 250 words, tell us about the most personally significant contribution you have made to a community through your participation in one of the activities you listed under ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP on this application. This personal statement is required. Since you are applying online, you must submit your statement with this application in the space provided.

Countless hours of labor were placed into these goodie bags. In each one were a few pieces of candy, crayons, a pencil, and a small notebook. It wasn't much at all because of financial issues, but still hundreds of these bags were made with cheap resources by a group on route to small rundown school in the heart of Guatemala. They were ready to minister to a small student body, but felt as though they were cheating them. Yes, God's love to them should have been enough, but it seemed as though it wasn't being expressed well enough because the gifts being given were so miniscule. In the minds of the missionaries, they feared the students would feel unloved because the goodie bags were inexpensive and quickly made. However, there was nothing more that could be done. The service was over and it came time to hand out the bags. The team feared a look of disappointment as the first bag was handed to the child standing in the front of the line, but as the bag was transferred from the stockpile to his hands, his eyes lit up in excitement and joy. A sigh of relief overcame the team. The next little girl was handed a bag and the same expression followed. This repeated until the very last child. Half of the bags were handed out to each child and they were more than satisfied, but still the missionaries wondered how is that no child was disappointed and only satisfied with the bags, but there was no more time to think about it. The team had to quickly gather their things and hurry back to the bus to make it to the next school. The goodbyes were said the team was now on their way to another school. On the bus, the missionaries were still wondering why the bags worked. They were almost certain the children wouldn't appreciate them. Unable to understand this they asked their leader, Pastor Do. He responded "The gifts are not what worked; it was the physical presence of the team and spiritual presence of God that worked, but the gifts and our presence weren't even necessary because God's love to them was and is enough."

keilinger 9 / 53  
Jan 6, 2010   #2
minister-->distribute
a look of disappointed-->could be worded better. What about: "The team feared the first child's disappointment."?
The next little girl was handed a bag and the same expression followed. This repeated until the very last child.--> sounds flat.
wondered how is that-->how it was that
goodbyes were said the team--> and the team

This is a great essay in that it shows your awareness of the world around you. Be on the lookout for superfluousness (is that a word..?). Basically, any description you can trim, trim. I felt there was a lot of telling, which might be necessary for clarification of what's going on, but if you add key words that emphasize your feelings, your descriptions are less likely to be tagged as being a list of events.
OP sooshi 1 / 1  
Jan 13, 2010   #3
thanks for your input
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jan 15, 2010   #4
the gifts being given were so miniscule.

Right after this sentence, I think you should do a paragraph break.

paragraph 2:
In the minds of t The missionaries, they feared that students would feel unloved because the goodie bags were inexpensive and quickly made. However, there was nothing more that could be done. The service was over, and it came time to hand out the bags.

This is such a nice story! I bet this will be successful...


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