Please check my errors.. I need to submit it before 15 Mar..
The book named "Great-minded people" molds my trait of volunteerism. I learned the feeling of empathy towards those in needs, the noble characteristics of great-minded people, especially Mother Teresa, and the pleasure of fulfilling the necessities of those in needs. However, after serving the community via non-government organizations, I fully grasped the first-hand experience of volunteering.
The first organization I started to work is the Peace Interfaith Initiative of Myanmar, which is abbreviated as PIIM. As the core mission of PIIM is helping all people in needs regardless of religion, I worked as a young tutor to teach children English in various religious buildings such as churches, temples, mosques and monastic schools. Apart from distributing education, I also actively engaged in donating stationery, clothes and food to those children.
Next, I became a member of another organization, FCM. Because of FCM, I had a chance to deal with orphans, and sympathize their feeling, particularly that of growing up without a trace of parental love. As my role was to teach them how to spend their leisure hour beneficially, I chose to teach origami to them. Out of a sudden, I was really shocked when a girl put her arms around my waist; I, however, embraced her with as much kindness of a sister as I could manage. At that time, I realized how great their thirst for love was, and my addiction of community service rooted in my heart as well.
I worked as a volunteer in Tharapar, which is a non-profit library. I took part in the project of "Water Donation" which was cooperated with another group, Save The Aged. According to the project, we distributed water to villages that were suffered from drought in summer of 2010. The image of desperately running villagers to water-bottles-filled cars still raced in my mind. That very image is also part of a reason that I am still
I learned the feeling of empathy towardstoward those
the noble characteristics of great-minded people (especially Mother Teresa),
The first organization I started to workvolunteered for iswas the Peace Interfaith Initiative of Myanmar
Give non-abbreviated name of FCM first
I had awas given the chance
and sympathize with their feelings , particularly thatthose of
I chose to teach them origami.origami to them
Out of a sudden, I was really shocked when a girl put her arms around my waist; I, however, I embraced her with as much kindness of a sisterly kindness.as I could manage.
At that time,It was then that I realized how great their thirst for love was, and my addiction ofto community service rooted in my heart as well.
which was cooperatedaffiliated with another
According to the project, weWe distributed water to villages that werehad suffered from drought in summer of 2010.
The image of desperately running villagersvillagers desperately running to water-bottles-filled cars filled with water bottles still racedraces in my mind.
I love the descriptions! Very well thought out essay :)
I could only find a few corrections with verbs and grammar.
You should capitalize all the words in the title of the book:
"Great-minded People"
or
"Great-Minded People"
I think you should read the whole essay again and try to think of a sentence that captures the main idea of the essay. Add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph. That way, you will have one sentence that powerfully expresses the main idea, and it will be like the arrowhead at the tip of an arrow... the most important sentence.
You have a very eloquent way of writing!
Apart from distributing educational materials, I also...
Try to write that sentence that captures the essay's main idea. That is important. Then, discuss that main idea a bit more in the conclusion. You have excellent experiences, so I want you to celebrate them here with a memorable THEME.
:-)
