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Activity or employment opportunity / Queen's Commerce contribution / decision to persevere & to quit

koalababy 1 / 2  
Feb 13, 2016   #1

Choose one extracurricular activity or one employment opportunity you have listed above. In 300 words, or fewer, describe the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you.

I have traveled to over 25 countries and volunteered in Cuba and Ecuador. In the summer of 2015, I volunteered at a school and taught English to children in Cuba. I brought study materials, pencils and books to the children to improve their learning experience. I helped the children with their English by being patient and having a positive attitude. I learned from this experience to treat every student with respect and dignity no matter their situation. I had a mix of students some better learners than others. I learned to adjust my lessons to each student and provide them with individualized learning. I realized that not every student learns at the pace of their peers. Teaching students in Cuba expanded my horizons and I became more open-minded to people. Working with students from a different culture allowed me to foster empathy towards others. The greatest learning outcome I had working with children from impoverished areas is that realized how lucky I am to be living in Canada. Some of the children did not have proper clothing or books and I helped them in this area. Having good people and interpersonal skills is important in business and education to maintain rapport with students and staff. My ability to work collaboratively with other teachers was important in my volunteer work. Working collaboratively with others is an important skill to have especially in group work activities and projects in the Commerce Program at Queen's University. I enhanced my knowledge of working with others in difficult situations when colleagues did not understand the course material, were not patient with others and did not listen to others. My volunteering in Cuba had a lasting impact on me and I wish to share that with others in the Commerce Program at Queen's University.


Based on your research about the program, what contribution do you plan to make to Queen's Commerce? Please answer in 300 words or fewer.

I would like to make a positive contribution to the Queen's Commerce program. My choice is to be apart of the QMAC Marketing Conference - the largest undergraduate marketing conference for universities in Canada. In my first year of studies, I want to become a delegate to the program. Learning about the process of the conference is important to me. It would give me a foundation for future positions in the conference. In my third and fourth year of studies, I want to become a Speaker's Coordinator and have a Co-Chair position. Having higher positions of authority in the conference would strengthen my interpersonal and organizational skills. During my time at the QMAC conference, my goal is to bring in quality speakers and enhance marketing knowledge for delegates in the future. I want to support students and provide them with many professional marketing opportunities.


In 300 words or fewer, describe a situation in which you made the decision to persevere, and a situation in which you made the decision to quit. What did you learn from both experiences?

When I was tutoring a Grade 4 student in French language, I had a difficult parent. The parent was always asking me questions about what I was teaching and constantly checking in with me about the student. I remained cool and collected with the parent. Although it was difficult at times, I decided to persevere. I realized that I was competent and brought a lot of experience to French language instruction. The parent was overly concerned about their child and I understood that. I showed the parent my qualifications, lesson plans and materials for the student. After a while, the parent backed off and gave me the lead with the student. I learned that sometimes it is not always good to come to conclusions about people. I have to put myself in the parent's shoes. The parent might have some reason to become concerned over their child's learning. I learned to never give up and keep going despite obstacles.
Hiddengrace 6 / 118 68  
Feb 13, 2016   #2
Hi Malika. Welcome to EF!

Essay 1
I think you have chosen a good experience to share with the admissions committee for this one. Without a lot of space to explain, you have done well sharing both the experience and the impact it's had on you. My only issue with this essay is the order and flow. I think it might be better if you could rearrange the order in which you tell the story. If you start off describing the experience by first talking about the students, how they didn't have books, etc... Then discuss the skills you utilized, how you helped them, and what you learned. Then relate those skills to the program you're applying for. It makes your whole essay flow in a much more natural way. I think just a simple rearranging of some sentences with minor rewrites will create a great essay for you!

I have to go now, unfortunately. I thought I had an event 5 hours away but it turns out it's an hour away. I'll come back and discuss your second two essays when I get a chance.
Hiddengrace 6 / 118 68  
Feb 13, 2016   #3
As far as your second essay goes, I'm not really sure what you've written is an appropriate answer for the prompt. It seems like you're discussing this conference as something you'd like to take part in and as something that will help you grow and succeed. That's all fine and good, but it's not asking you which programs at QC will help you. It's asking how you will contribute to the school. So if this conference is something that you wish to take part in, how will you contribute to it? How will your role improve this conference? You mention that very briefly, in one sentence. So I think that is something you should expand upon. you can introduce the topic and how you'd like to get involved in a few sentences. Then spend the majority of the essay discussing the role you will play in improving the conference. Why will your ideas make it better? Explain them! What are your plans to make these ideas a reality? Think about how you will interact with your peers, teachers, and the general community of the school.

For your last essay, is that the whole thing? I don't see anything about a time you decided to quit there. The prompt is asking for both a time you persevered and a time you quit, and how each experience affected you.

For the one that you have, where you persevered, I don't think you've answered it as fully as you can. Explain more about the parent. How were they checking in with you? What were their actions that showed them being unreasonably concerned? Explain more about yourself as well. How did you learn these things you mentioned learning? How has learning those things changed you?
OP koalababy 1 / 2  
Feb 13, 2016   #4
@Hiddengrace Thank you very much for the feedback! You're right, I accidentally forgot to mention the situation in which I decided to quit:

"In my senior year of high school, I was involved in the Best Buddies Program helping a child with disabilities. I would be a mentor to this child and support him outside of school. In the meantime, I was life guarding and working in a nursing home. All of these activities were too much for me and I believe I was overcommitting myself. I then decided to quit working in the nursing home. I consider myself a hard-worker but my focus in Grade 12 was on work-life balance. I learned that sometimes it is okay to have a healthy balance of activities and have some free time to yourself. I felt better about the experience and believed I would be more successful in the long run with this new approach."

The text above is what I decided to answer.

Once again thank you very much!
OP koalababy 1 / 2  
Feb 14, 2016   #5
@Hiddengrace For the second essay, I've added more details;

"[....] I want to support students and provide them with many professional marketing opportunities.
As well, I would like to work with an Academic Marketing Professor securing a work-study position. This experience will strengthen my knowledge of Marketing and learn from a Professor that is experienced. My ideal setting is to work with a Professor with research opportunities and work in a team environment with other work-study students. I would like to contribute my knowledge of the French language to the work-study position. I could also, support students with learning the French language in the Queen's Commerce program.

My contribution also, would be to actively participate in the QBFFI Fashion Forum at Queen's Commerce Program. I already have a strong Instagram page of fashion contributors and designers who I promote on the page. This knowledge I would like to pass on to other students who are interested in fashion and marketing. I would also, like to network with other individuals who share a similar interest in the fashion and business industry."

I still feel as if I'm talking to much about myself and how it will help me instead of the contribution I can make... But to be quite honest I don't know what else I could contribute :(
Hiddengrace 6 / 118 68  
Feb 14, 2016   #6
For what you've added for the third essay, I would describe your duties at the nursing home, and why you ultimately chose to quit that vs quitting the mentoring program or life guarding. What were the benefits of the two that you kept? Was mentoring and life guarding more worthwhile for some reason? Was the work at the nursing home more stressful? Explain that! I would also explain more about what happened after you quit the nursing home.You say you believed you be more successful- talk more about that! How were you more successful. Did your grades go up? Were you able to dedicate yourself more to the mentoring program, etc...?

For the second essay, I think you're trying to think too hard about all the different types of contributions, which makes your essay confusing. I would stick to one or two areas and describe them in detail. For example, working/ volunteering in the language center to tutor French. That's a contribution! Or starting a French club and having french activities- that's something else you can describe under the French aspect. If you want to talk about fashion, describe that in detail. How would you pass that knowledge on? How would you network? If you want to talk about QMAC, research how speakers are chosen. How do you get into the position to help with that? Discuss your plan and goals for being that person. Is it an election?

I'd pick one or two of these things and then really think about it in detail.

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