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Actuary - ctive person, sport - Statement of purpose (why they must choose me)


Steven Gerrard 1 / -  
Nov 12, 2009   #1
Statement of purpose.

Career in Actuary



Many people all over the world dream of heavenly love, incredible richness or gorgeous glory. In this case my dream is a little bit simpler. I just dream to live... to live a life full of unforgettable events and interesting people. I dream to be a person who will be wholesome for his country.

In my opinion, good startup, reasonable plan and resulting completion are the basis for everything we do. Therefore when I wake up everyday in the morning, I determine the goals which I need to achieve today, I make my own plan. The new day has started, I am ready to squeeze maximum from it. I go on and follow the Sun in the sky.

I have been always known as an active person by my teachers. Now while I am at High School I am leader and one of the brightest students in whole school. To be a leader, with its responsibilities and risks, means that my classmates trust me to lead them. I respect their trust by helping them as far as I can and consider them as part of my family. I have always been interested in education at all, so I did not have problems with my lessons. Furthermore I graduated with excellent grade from Elementary School and Junior High School.

When I came to 14 years old, I asked my parents to send me to one of the best High School for Gifted boys in Kazakhstan. They appreciated my decision and I entered Kazakh - Turkish High School in 2004 year. After almost 5 years in this school I have learned 4 extra languages and developed many skills. In addition to, most of subjects, including math, physics, chemistry and computer science are given to us in English. That's why I consider that it won't be difficult for me to adapt for American system of education, since I know English terminology and literature.

Besides academics part of my life, I am very interested in sport. Such activities as soccer and basketball helped to me develop such qualities like leadership and team working skills. Moreover I have some achievements at wrestling and soccer in and out of school. Since I was a child I have always liked to do puzzles, solving math problems, which assisted me to improve my logic and algorithmic way of thinking.

I have already made my decision who I want to be and how I will be the person I want to be. My interest of study lies in field of Actuarial Science. I believe that this degree will be very interesting for me and I will achieve all my aims that I have put. I see the University of Texas at Austin as a labyrinth with many unknown turnings, hidden experiences and surprising openings, which eventually leads to one final exit through the jungles of knowledge. The undergraduate program in your university is the greatest opening to accomplish my dream. The University offers an outstanding and balanced teaching technique which in my opinion perfectly corresponds to my understanding of good education. There are the most developed facilities to work on projects and develop scientific research works.

With the help of the University of Texas, I hope to become successful after college and be able to pursue a successful career in Actuary. Admission at the University of Texas would be a dream come true. And now it depends on your decision how I will start my day and finish it, because every moment is the choice, which determines our further life.
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Nov 12, 2009   #2
UT Austin is an excellent school.

Playing admissions officer, I think you stand a strong change of getting in. Your essay is fine even with small language errors. I won't try to perfect it - just give you feedback on the important parts:

1) In this case my dream is a little bit simpler. (IN MY CASE, THE DREAM IS A...)
2) In my opinion, a good startup (DO YOU MEAN A STARTUP COMPANY??) , reasonable plan and resulting completion are the basis for everything we (YOU STARTED WITH THE "I" PRONOUN) do. Therefore when I wake up everyday in the morning, I determine the goals which I need to achieve today, I make my own plan. The new day has started, I am ready to squeeze maximum from it. I go on and follow the Sun in the sky. (TRY TO MAKE THE SENTENCES WITHOUT USING "I" -IT'S REPETITIOUS WITH TOO MANY.)

3) It would help to know why you choose to study Actuarial Science - it's a pretty specialized field
4) Your final sentence ending: because every moment is the choice, which determines our further life. (A CHOICE WHICH DETERMINES OUR FUTURE LIFE)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 13, 2009   #3
Adjectives weaken sentences: Many people all over the world dream of heavenly love, incredible richness or gorgeous glory.

And actually, that whole sentence is a statement of the obvious. It's not good to begin with a statement of the obvious, because it makes the reader start to skim through quickly.

I think it might be good if you delete the first few sentences, and start with this sentence:
To be a leader, taking responsibilities and risks, requires me to earn the trust of my classmates. trust me to lead them. I respect their trust by ...

If you start there, it will be better.

I have already made my decision about who I want to be and how I will become the person I want to be. My interest of study lies in field of Actuarial Science. ----excellent!!


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