How to add more about myself in Cornell CAS application essay?

So the prompt is: Describe two or three of your current intellectual interests and why they are exciting to you. Why will Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences be the right environment in which to pursue your interests? 650 words maximum

I wrote my essay on my interests in biology and government, and I made it Cornell-specific but I'm not sure how to add more about myself in it? Whenever I try to add more about myself, it comes across very artificially and it doesn't look natural. I'm at 450 words right now

Also any feedback on the content/grammar of the essay itself would be VERY appreciated. Thank you!!!!!

In my academic career, I have always been interested in two things: biology and government.

My attraction for government started my freshman year of high school. In my world history class, we delved deep into the philosophies the Enlightenment. After studying the theories of Hobbes and Locke, I grew fascinated by man's fundamental need for government and the social contract theory. I read the works of Karl Marx and Frederich Engels to discover the idea of the lack of government. During my junior year, where I was taking US History and Government and Politics, I was captivated by the institution itself-how so many people with differing points of view could come together and create laws for a nation.

As a practical person, government excited me because it was one of the only subjects in school that seemed to have any real world applications that I could see. I was able to view the mechanics of it all in action every day on the news.

My interest in biology started in middle school. As an 8th grader, I fell in love with the study of life. To me, biology was the inside-look, the backstage pass, that I had been searching for. I was fascinated with its simplicity and complexity, from the bacteria in our intestines to the blue whales in the Pacific. I was astonished with how the most insignificant parts of our day-walking, sleeping, breathing-are the most significant things that happen inside our bodies. I fell in love with the diversity, with the randomness, with the spontaneity.

I've always been a curious person. I've always been the one student in class to raise her hand and ask why. Biology excites me because of its potential to grow; there is so much we still don't know, so much left to discover. It excites me because it can answer some of the questions that I've always had.

These two subjects are ones that, in my studies, seemed to never coincide. My high school never offered courses that factored in both biological and political science.

In college, I plan to study this cross-section. I want to closely examine where biology and government overlap. Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences is the ideal place for me to pursue this. I can examine biology not only scientifically, but also socially and politically by taking classes like The Politics of Science and The GMO Debate: Science & Society. Cornell CAS has the unique feature that ⅔ of the classes are taken outside of your major, which can allow me the uncommon opportunity to take government classes in concert with my science ones.

When I picture myself in college, I see myself in an institution that values individualism, diversity and curiosity as much as it values academics. Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences embodies these traits.

My attraction for government started ... In my world history class, we delved deep ...

To add a bit more about yourself instead of just stating your interest in these topics, I would incorporate what you would do with this knowledge. Do plan to pursue a career involving any of these subjects?

LIane, your introduction is too brief and uninformative to give the reviewer a reason to continue reading the rest of the paper. You gave the impression that these two subjects, government and biology, are two unrelated interests on your part. It is imperative that you captivate the attention of the reviewer at the very beginning of your essay by creating an introduction that merges your interests in the two subjects. For example, you could say collectively that these two subjects, when studied hand in hand, will help you better understand why certain laws of the land are drafted or implemented in a certain way. That there is politics in science and science in politics. I am sure you can make that connection.

As for your love of biology, what quest are you on? Why do you think this is a backstage pass for you? Aside from your general interest in general biology topics, what is your core focus? Describe that in a similar way as to how you described your interest in government. You can also try to develop a paragraph that shows how you would develop a cross section of these studies to create a better graduate product of your chosen major.

Don't worry about the word count. That is just your guide towards finalizing the content of your essay. You will have to revise this essay a few more times before you can actually have it within the proper word count and accurately representative of your intent.

Thank you so much for you feedback. I adjusted it more. How is this?

Biology and government: two seemingly unrelated topics, two completely different subjects in school. Although they appear mutually exclusive, there is a distinct cross-section of the two, one that can help us understand the reasonings behind many pieces of legislation, as well as the inner machinations of the scientific community. This overlap never ceases to pique my interest. [..]

Your essay improved over the previous version, however, you still were not able to provide a complete thought process for the following sentence:
As an 8th grader, I fell in love with the study of life. To me, biology was the inside-look, the backstage pass, that I had been searching for.

As I pointed our previously, you need to immediately point out what that backstage pass is that you need. Complete the thought by saying something like:

... backstage pass towards the science of life. How we exist as beings and why we exist in that manner...
Aside from this one little problem, the essay has developed quite well and can use some editing to tighten the presentation. First, we need to address the tiny problem that I mentioned above.

My interest in biology started in middle school. As an 8th grader, I fell in love with the study of life. To me, biology was the inside-look, the backstage pass towards the science of life. How we exist and why we exist in that manner fascinated me. Rather than knowing the mere fact that our body inhales oxygen and exhales carbon dioxide, I learned what happens at a cellular level, about why we need to do that-to create ATP for cellular processes. I was most interested, however, in the prospects for the future of biology: stem cells, cloning, genetic engineering, immunology. Biology, unlike most of the other sciences, still has the potential grow.

Something like that?

Exactly like that. When you write a sentence, you should always have a topic in every sentence. In this case, the subject is the "backstage pass towards the science of life". Upon further review of what yo wrote, I believe that you can remove the following sentence from the essay:

These two subjects are ones that, in my studies, seemed to never coincide. My high school never offered courses that factored in both biological and political science.

You don't need to restate this information because you already opened the essay with that very information. So it ends up becoming a redundancy when you say it again in the middle of the essay as a stand alone sentence. Unless you can add some new information to it to create a new paragraph, it doesn't make sense to keep it.

Biology and government: two seemingly unrelated topics, two completely different subjects in school. Although they appear mutually exclusive, there is a distinct cross-section of the two, one that can help us understand the reasonings behind many pieces of legislation, as well as the inner machinations of the scientific community. This overlap never ceases to pique my interest.

My attraction for government started my freshman year of high school. In my world history class, we delved deep into the philosophies the Enlightenment. After studying the theories of Hobbes and Locke, I grew fascinated by man's fundamental need for government and the social contract theory. I read the works of Karl Marx and Frederich Engels to discover the idea of the lack of government. During my junior year, where I was taking US History and Government and Politics, I was captivated by the institution itself-how so many people with differing points of view could come together and create laws for a nation.

As a practical person, government excited me because it was one of the only subjects in school that seemed to have any real world applications that I could see. I was able to view the mechanics of it all in action every day on the news.

My interest in biology started in middle school. As an 8th grader, I fell in love with the study of life. To me, biology was the inside-look, the backstage pass towards the science of life. How we exist and why we exist in that manner fascinated me. Rather than knowing the mere fact that our body inhales oxygen and exhales carbon dioxide, I learned what happens at a cellular level, about why we need to do that-to create ATP for cellular processes. I was most interested, however, in the prospects for the future of biology: stem cells, cloning, genetic engineering, immunology. Biology, unlike most of the other sciences, still has the potential grow.

I've always been a curious person. I've always wanted to know why and how things happen, not just what happens. Biology has been the only subject that ever truly fulfilled this desire.

In college, I plan to study the cross-section of the two. I want to closely examine where biology and government overlap. Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences is the ideal place for me to pursue this. I can examine biology not only scientifically, but also socially and politically by taking classes like The Politics of Science and The GMO Debate: Science & Society as a Biology and Society major. Cornell CAS has the unique feature that ⅔ of the classes are taken outside of your major, which can allow me the uncommon freedom to take government classes in concert with my science ones. The endless research opportunities at Cornell can provide me with the ability to explore politics and science together, possibly even delving into the biological reasons why we need government in the first place.

In the future, I plan to pursue a career in medicine that not only diagnoses and treats disease, but also deeply examines the ethics and the politics behind all of it. I want to become one of the gears in the ever-turning wheels of the world health community. I believe that Cornell can allow me the building blocks for this future.

You do a great job explaining your interests in those subjects, but your reason on "why Cornell" is a little weak. Try emphasizing why Cornell is right for you, be more specific and show as much passion as you did when talking about your interests.

I suggest mentioning Cornell very early on in the essay. Your response looks like it could be used for any other college with a similar prompt.