FSU addmissions essay ("I believe your University will give me the knowledge")

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

This is only a rough draft of my first paragraph but I would like some help with where to go from here....

I have chosen to apply to Florida State University because I believe your University will give me the knowledge that I need to continue to be a strong learner. Vires is a big part of my life. I started my foundation at a private school my elementary and junior high school years. The school had the a-beka program which made me into a prospective student. Not to mention the love and support of the teachers. Without attending the private school I would not have the intellectual morals I have today. My mom also has a huge part on everything in my life. She has made me into the person I am today. She is the reson I want to apply to FSU and do all I can to be accepted.

What was the word limit given to you by the prompt? (I do understand that this is just the first paragraph.)

You say that you want to talk about Vires but then go on to describe something more related to character. (intellectual morals?) Perhaps you meant that you have developed strength in these areas from your experiences with a-beka and you teachers.

You also say that you started some sort of foundation at a private school. What foundation? What was it for? How does this relate to the prompt? You can't just randomly open up a subject and then drop it by the next sentence without at least explaining what it is you are talking about and how it has anything to do with the prompt.

This paragraph seems to have no focus. You need to decide on one (or more) of the words given to you in the prompt and talk about how your experiences and your life reflect its meaning. You talk about how teachers loved and supported you but you don't relate that back Vires. You also talk about your mother. What does this have to do with strength? You have to tell us what it was about your mother's influence that made you stronger. Mentioning your mother seems like it came out of left field because you do not relate it back to Vires.

As it stands this paragraph is basically just a list of different miscellaneus experiences and influences from you life that you don't attempt to relate back to any of the concepts from the prompt. You start off with the intention of focusing on strength but then immediately go off topic for the rest of the paragraph. You can make the experiences and influences you mentioned relate to strength but you need to tailor every single example that you give to fit.

So, pick some values and don't write anything about your life without explaining directly how it relates back to them. After you write every sentence just ask yourself: "does what I just wrote relate back to the point of this essay?" Stay focused!

Look at the very first words of your introduction, "I have decided to apply to Florida State University..." Is that not true of any other applicant? Are there any words less likely to make a strong first impression?

Start with a story or short statement about yourself that illustrates the virtue you want the essay to demonstrate.

Assuming you are dedicating your entire essay to exploring how big a role Vires plays in your life, go ahead and write your second paragraph. When you are done, go back and delete your first one. Then, chances are good you will have a strong intro to your essay. If you are planning on cycling through all three virtues, though, then you should careful not only to revise your existing paragraph according to Simone's excellent advice, but to apply the principles underlying that advice to your first draft of your other body paragraphs as you write them.


Careful -- unlike in MS Word, simply clicking the italics button with your cursor in a word in your posts won't work; you have to highlight the word first. I've made this mistake myself a couple of times, so you have my sympathies.

Thank you for all the advise. I have took that advise and tryed to make a good essay. Please be harsh if needed. (the word limit is 500)

Here is my essay:

Vires is a big part of my life. I started my foundation at a private school my elementary and junior high school years. The school had the a-beka program which made me into a prospective student by teaching me that hard work will not kill me. Not to mention the love and support of the teachers. My mom has also had a huge impact in my life. She has given me the strength I need to pursue my dreams.

Some of my strength comes from my start in a private school. The a-beka program has developed intellectual morals that I have and will base my study habits on. Because of the seven point grading scale, I learned to study harder to get that high grade. This strength will exist for the rest of my life in anything I do. The teachers were a huge part of my strengths. Without them, my study habits would be nonexistent. They were always there to help and support you in any way they could. They taught different techniques that could help you study more efficiently.

My mom has been there for me through all the loop-de-loops in my life. Early on she taught me strengths that I will base my whole life on. She is the reason I am trying to make something of my life and to do anything that is in my power to chase my dreams. She is the "Vires" of my life.

From the experience of writing this essay, I have came to realize that vires has a big impact on my life. Before writing this essay, I never sat down to think of all my strengths and where they came from. Now that I know I have the strength I am ready to open that door right in front of me and face the big world.

Such as?


Such as?


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Such as?

Your essay is way too vague. Add some specific details, as in response to my questions above. That will give you a stronger essay.

Such as?

This essay still doesn't help us to know you at all. And, again, I find your first line uninspiring. You need to say something unique and vivid to capture the attention of readers who are working their way through scores of similar essays.

Again thank you for all the advise. I have yet again taken that advise and revised my essay....

I always think of the saying, "That which does not destroy us, will make us stronger." I can testify to this saying which was written by Friedrich Nietzsche. My family has not always been there for me. Through my childhood years, my father could not be located most of the time at any of my school or personal events. He was not there for me most of the time. Even the aunts, uncles, cousins, and even grandparents would be at any of my school or personal events. This goes along with my mother's side. With that being said, vires is a big part of my life. With not having family support, I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful mother that has taught me morals that I will use for the rest of my life. She is the reason I am trying to make something of my life and to do anything that is in my power to chase my dreams.

In addition, I started my school foundation at a private school my elementary and junior high school years. The school had the a-beka program which made me into a prospective student by teaching me that hard work will not destroy me. This program has developed intellectual morals that I have and will base my study habits on. Because of the seven point grading scale, I learned to study harder to get a high grade. Not to mention the love and support of the teachers. Without them, my study habits would be nonexistent. With the small class sizes, the students had more one on one time with them. Meaning that they were always there to help and support you in any way they could.

From the experience of writing this essay, I have came to realize that vires has a big impact on my life. Before writing this essay, I never sat down to think of all my strengths and where they came from. Now that I know I have the strength I am ready to open that door right in front of me and face the big world.

Well, your essay is getting stronger. Your first paragraph is a bit contradictory, though, as you say that


but then go on to say that


and that


So at the moment, it sounds like you had a lot of family support, just not from your father.


You still need to discuss what intellectual morals you have in mind more specifically here. In fact, it still isn't that clear what Vires means to you or how you see yourself as personifying it. You sort of see your mother and your school as sources of strength, which dances around the edges of the topic, but what sort of strength have they given you, exactly? How do you use that strength to do good, and how will you use it to make a contribution to your university?

It sounds like it was your father who was not there for you, even though the rest of your family was. If that's the case, say that more clearly. If something else is the case, revise to make that clear. Then, tell us how the difficulty, whatever it was, made you stronger.

And I too remain unclear as to what "Vires" means to you. Specify that.