Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance:
Upon entering the university I found the freedom of living on my own and unfortunately, I used it to distract myself from my study at UCSD. I became deeply attached to computer gaming that consumed time needed for studying and as a result my grades suffered over the two years I attended the university. During the second year I isolated myself completely from my roommates as I delved into the online game World of Warcraft. My addiction with computer games made me lose interest and focus in my classes. When the problem started it my roommates attempted to help but I ignored their advice because I thought I can solve it on my own. After receiving the first academic probation at the end of first academic year, I improved my grades for one semester and then completely disregarded studying. When it was obvious that I couldn't fight my addiction I should have sought counseling but I didn't. The result of all this is that I drove myself further and further from excelling in education and eventually resulting in my dismissal.
Solution and changes:
To combat my addiction with video games my family and I worked together to first distance me from my games. I threw away all my games and my family kept my computer use to school work only. I also worked at a retail store during spare times to keep myself from digressing back to playing games. While attending the nearby community college, I realized just how foolish I was to waste my education opportunity. Courses such as chemistry have only one professor with a single class which made enrollment extremely difficult. Both semesters I petition for organic chemistry only to lose the lottery the professors use to decide who can enter. This experience made me determined to excel in my other classes because I now know that opportunity is something to be seized. I wish to prove myself as a capable and focused student and my grades reflect that. I passed linear algebra, a class I failed two times before, with an A and a renewed thirst for knowledge. I feel confident about my return to UCSD because I now fully understand the mistakes I made and I have the determination to succeed. Even though returning to the university means my family can no longer watch me, I am more disciplined now and will not make the same mistake again. My newly proposed Electrical Engineering major contains many difficult courses that require more study time, which is why I decided to forge summer classes and work full time so I have to work less during the school year.
The essay isn't badly written. However, your reason for your poor performance (WoW) and your solution to it (Your parents kept you from playing) are not likely to win you much sympathy from the admissions officers. You can't do much about the cause, but perhaps you can revise the solution paragraph to emphasize things you did to overcome the problem.
"When the problem started it my roommates attempted to help but I ignored their advice because I thought I could solve it on my own."
I think, or rather hope, that university administrators are aware of how frequently young people become addicted to online gaming. Thus, this ought not doom your chances. But Sean is right: You need to demonstrate that, although your parents took charge of the start of your recovery process, you now have yourself in hand and are able to resist this addiction in a self-determined and proactive manner.
Thanks for the feedback, I will have a revision soon.
Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance:
Upon entering the university I found the freedom of living on my own and unfortunately, I used it to distract myself from my study at UCSD.
^You can make the first clause more concise. 'As a University student, I was living on my own and found freedom. However, this freedom did not necessarily prove fruitful, as it became a distraction from my studies at UCSD.
I became deeply attached to computer gaming that consumed time needed for studying and as a result my grades suffered over the two years I attended the university.
^A bit wordy with no commas or full stops.
I became deeply attached to computer gaming. This consumed time that was needed for studying. Subsequently, my grades suffered over the two years I attended the University.
During the second year I isolated myself completely from my roommates as I delved into the online game World of Warcraft.
^I am not sure if 'delve' is the correct word.
My suggestion: as I delved in the online world of fantasy and witchcraft;(maybe link with next sentence)World of Warcraft made me lose interest as well as focus in my classes.
When the problem started it my roommates attempted to help but I ignored their advice because I thought I can solve it on my own.
^The problem started it? Huh
'As the problem grew'?, my roommates tried to help but I ignored their advice because I thought I can solve it on my own.
*By the way, I thought you were living on your own? You mentioned that in your opening sentence..
After receiving the first academic probation at the end of first academic year, I improved my grades for one semester and then completely disregarded studying. When it was obvious that I couldn't fight my addiction I should have sought counseling but I didn't.
^Confirm if 'didnt' will be approved of. However I would suggest just sticking to the good old 'did not'.
The result of all this is that I drove myself further and further from excelling in education and eventually resulting in my dismissal.
^You drove yourself further and further 'away' from excelling in education, WHICH eventually resulted in your dismissal.
Liebe, I appreciate the effort you are putting into the feedback you give others!
Indeed. You might even want to consider becoming an official contributor to the site. Students who give such detailed feedback in their post are at the heart of what this site is all about. Moderators such as myself can and do give good advice, of course, and make sure everyone gets at least some help, but only engaged and intelligent students can dedicate the time to give so much feedback on a single work on a regular basis.
Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance:
As a freshman, I found freedom away from my home. Unfortunately, I used it to distract myself from my studies at UCSD. I became deeply attached to computer gaming that consumed time needed for studying; as a result, my grades suffered over the two years I attended the University. During the second year I isolated myself completely from my roommates as I plunged into the online game World of Warcraft. My addiction with computer games made me lose interest and focus in my classes. When the problem grew my roommates attempted to help but I ignored their advice because I thought I can solve it on my own. After receiving the first academic probation at the end of first academic year, I improved my grades for one semester and then completely disregarded studying. When it was obvious that I couldn't fight my addiction I should have sought counseling but I did not. The result of all this was that I drove myself away from excelling in education and eventually resulting in my dismissal.
Solution:
To combat my addiction with video games my family and I worked together to first distance me from my games. I threw away all my games and my family kept my computer use to school work only. I also worked at a retail store during spare times to keep myself from digressing back to playing games. While attending the nearby community college, I realized just how foolish I was to waste my education opportunity. Courses such as chemistry have only one professor with a single class which made enrollment extremely difficult. Both semesters I petitioned for organic chemistry only to lose the lottery the professors use to decide who can enter. This experience made me determined to excel in my other classes because I now know that opportunity is something to be seized. The knowledge I acquired from my classes are concrete assets while games are just temporary enjoyment that do not enhance my future. Most importantly, I no longer have uncontrollable urges to play video games when studying is my priority, even when I was granted full access to my computer for the spring semester. My grades this past year demonstrates that I can succeed in academics, and I will continue to so even without supervision at UCSD because I am more disciplined now. To enhance my chance of success, I decided to forgo summer classes and work full time so I have more study time for my newly proposed Electrical Engineering major.
Please comment, thanks
"When the problem grew my roommates attempted to help, but I ignored their advice because I thought I could solve it on my own."
"The result of all this was thatAs a result, I drove myself away from excelling in education, whichand eventually resulted in my dismissal" The middle part of this sentence is still a bit awkward. Revise.
Your solutions section is a bit better, but you still have the problem that you sound in places as if your family did more than you in taking charge of your recovery. So:
"and my family kept my computer use to school work only" How about, "and I gave my computer to my family to ensure I could only access it for school work." Try to keep the focus on your own role in helping yourself.
"even when I was granted full access totook my computer back for the spring semester." In keeping with the change above, and for the same reasons.
When it was obvious that I couldn't fight my addiction
, I should have sought counseling but I did not.
"and my family kept my computer use to school work only" How about, "and I gave my computer to my family to ensure I could only access it for school work." Try to keep the focus on your own role in helping yourself.
I like this idea.
My grades this past year
demonstrate that I can succeed in academics
;and I will continue to so
even without supervision at UCSD because I am more disciplined now.
