Admission Essay- Badminton's Influence On Me

This is my admission essay and i would appreciate if someone could edit it for me. I'm honestly not sure where I'm going with this but hope that you can give me some advice. The last paragraph is still being worked on but I'd like some ideas on what i should add to make it more personal.

Topic of Choice:

The glaring sunlight illuminated the gymnasium floor, drips of sweat slid down the side of my face, and silence rang throughout the room despite the abnormally large crowd. The score was close; the next point would determine the winner. Each breath my partner and I took was ragged and heavy as we felt the fatigue of the third set. With the flick of my opponent's wrist the shuttlecock was sent flying over our heads and the popping sound made by our rackets and the sliding of our sneakers consumed the previously soundless gym. The adrenaline in my veins made me more acute of my surroundings and the movements made by opposing side. It was a fight for dominance with each rally, attack, and volley. I sent the birdie up in the air, only for it to be smashed back down at me and I instinctively darted towards the right side of the court. With a deft touch off my racket and nimble twist of my wrist I watched the birdie sail through the air as it barely tips over the net and out of my opponent's reach. That point determined the winner and secured our spot as all-county champions.

It is rare for success to come without hard labor and this was no exception. It includes countless hours after school, intensive conditioning drills, hard-fought losses, agonizing poor performances, and all the small accomplishments made on the court that truly made be experience a sense of achievement. I've participated in competitive badminton for only 2 years but my badminton career has lasted for 12 years; from the time I picked up my first mini racket to the moment I held the trophy for 4th doubles I had evolved in both skill and knowledge. I learned that failure isn't something I should be afraid of; it is a gateway to success and knowledge. More importantly, however, my involvement in badminton has provided me with valuable insight on life, brought out my competitive personality, and taught me the value of teamwork. Badminton is not a mainstream sport but it's combination of finesse and power captured my attention and stirred a passion in me that I never knew I had.

If you don't know where you are going, how will you get there? I think it's important to know your purpose before you begin. In many discussions here at EF, I tell people I think it is best to have a purpose related to making the reader feel that you deserve the opportunity to attend this school. So... as you write, consider focusing on describing how badminton shaped the part of your personality that compels you to choose _______ as your career path.

Right here is where you scratch the surface of what you should explore: ...valuable insight on life ---- the reader wants to know what insight you are talking about. Let this be a major theme for the essay, and make the essay somewhat complex. Right now, ask yourself what the most important message of the whole essay should be, and add thoughtful reflection about it in that last paragraph. You can express any message you want as you continue to work.

:-)