Need help/feedback on this essay for University of Florida. Thanks!!!
prompt:
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
Essay:
During my junior year of high school, I was selected from a pool of digital media students, to be the videographer of our basketball team. I had only been in digital media academic program for slightly more than year when I was chosen, and I was elated.
I have to admit that I had not attended any of my high school's basketball games, or any school sporting events for that matter, but I knew I would enjoy working with the video equipment. The first game I went to, I arrived twenty minutes before the start of the game to set up and make sure everything was working correctly. It was very important to me to do the best job possible. When I started to record the games it was later in the season. The first game I recorded was the first game of the district semi-finals. There was a large turnout and a feel of excitement in the air. Watching the game through the viewfinder of the camera and hearing the cheers of the crowd ended up being an experience that was extremely exhilarating. When the game was over I stayed late to pack up the equipment and turn over the tapes to the assistant coach. I ended up recording ten games in all.
Most of the games were on Fridays, so on Mondays I got the tapes back from the coach and made a highlight reel about Friday's game so that it could be on the school's morning news broadcast on Tuesdays. I used the video-editing program Final Cut Pro to make the highlight reel in my digital media class. The skills that I learned in the classroom enabled me to preserve the accomplishments of my fellow students. Sifting through the footage I had taken and picking and placing the best clips ended up being more difficult then filming the game itself.
Being the cameraman took a lot more dedication then I originally thought. For each game I had to volunteer hours of my time, filming the game and editing the highlight reels. After the season ended, I gained a sense of connectedness with my school and I found it easier to become involved in other school activities. I look forward to finding similar opportunities at UF and becoming involved in the campus community. I would like work with students and staff on projects that will benefit the school.
I just read a definition of diversity that I loved. It means understanding that each individual is unique, and recognizing our individual differences. We all don't have to love football and enjoy watching it, to play a role in the game. I loved learning about your perspective as a videographer! You connected with your classmates in a way unique to them watching or playing the game. The only sentence that I had a little trouble with was the one about preserving "the accomplishments of my fellow students". I think you are quite accomplished yourself and you don't need to refer to the accomplishments of your fellow students. Just a thought. I learned something from your essay as I know your reader(s) at UF will also.
I enjoyed your essay. However I did not get a good sense of who you are and what this experience meant until the last paragraph. I think your personality needs to be evident throughout your essay. I think you are on the right track, just need to put more insight about you in the text
No need for the commas of for "of high school"
During my junior year I was selected from a pool of digital media students to be the videographer of our basketball team. --- Now it is concise and powerful.
I have to admit that I had not attended any of my high school's basketball games, or any school sporting events for that matter, but I knew I would enjoy working with the video equipment. ---- awesome, this is an interesting story.
...and I found it easier to become involved in other school activities. ---- because you were confident! Great insight here, especially when raising kids, it is good to provide them with experience doing what they are good at.
Nice job with this; it has authenticity, because you happen to have this experience that really affected you in a profound way.
