Hi,
I graduated hs recently and I am trying to apply to a med school. Essay topic is significant experience(s) that have defined me as a person and reason I'm applying to this college. Please feel free to review and make any suggestions and recommendations.
Thanks.
"I want to become a doctor." These are bold words coming from a sixteen-year old. How did I come to this conclusion? It was due to two significant events in my life - one negative, one positive. Both have shaped me in the person I have become today. In choosing an institution to help me accomplish my stated goal, I have selected Ateneo University
When someone says, "I have good news and bad news", our first instinct is to say "give me the bad news first". That is how I'm going to start this essay, with a significant negative experience. Divorce, separation, falling out, words that a family should never hear or go through. It happened when I was seven, my parents separated. Was it significant at that age? I couldn't remember. I was lucky if I could even spell those words at that time. Is it important now? Definitely. Thinking back, that was probably a very devastating experience for anyone to go through. Any negative event could make or break a person. Fortunately, it "made" me. How? By leaning towards the most influential and inspirational person in my life, my mom. She showed compassion, determination, focus and strength to get through that very tough time. Those are traits that she has continually demonstrated when she moved to the United States to provide us a better life and education. These are the same qualities that I now possess to reach my goal of becoming a doctor.
In with the good, out with the bad. Everyone looks forward to summer vacation and I was no exception. It's the time I always looked forward to because I get to visit my favorite place (New York City) and person (you guessed it, my mom). She took me to the world renowned New York Presbyterian Hospital during "career day", where she works as a Clinical/Charge Nurse in the Cardio-Thoracic ICU. I saw all kinds of new things. I observed nurses attending to their patients while working with different machines and equipments. I always wanted to become a nurse like my mom. I really wanted to be in an environment where I could take care of people who are in dire need. Due to the caring and compassion involved in the nursing profession, it was a natural fit.
My decision to change my career path changed that day though. My mom giving me a tour on the unit was the turning point. As we were walking past a patient's room, lights suddenly started flashing, alarms started blaring and a team of hospital staff rushing to the patient's bedside. I didn't know what was happening and later realized that they were trying to save a dying patient. The efficiency and teamwork the staff showed during this life and death situation impressed me. One person stood out though, I asked my mom who that was, and she told me, "That was the doctor". The confidence, leadership and independence he showed during that crisis left me in awe and made me think, "I want to be like him".
This all leads us to why I'm choosing to apply to Ateneo University. Ateneo's tradition of excellence has enabled them to be recognized as one of the top academic institutions. When I graduate from this university, it will give me the assurance that I have the intellectual and refined skills needed to succeed in my chosen field. I will be confident that I would have gained the necessary theoretical and clinical foundation to provide safe and efficient care to various clinical settings. I also strongly believe that it is of great importance and my responsibility to give back to my Alma Mater. Wherever I may go, be it serving our countrymen, or working in other parts of the world, I will carry with me the Ateneo University way of proud tradition of academic and moral excellence and service.
Two significant experiences, one uplifting and one distressing, have defined me as a person and will help me reach my ultimate goal of "I want to become a doctor." I am finishing my senior year with renewed focus and determination. I am ready to commit the time and attention that this career path requires. Excellence and commitment to innovative and quality education are hallmarks of Ateneo University. I am truly looking forward to being part of this tradition. If given the opportunity, I am choosing this institution to fulfill my aspiration.
Are those really such bold words coming from a 16 year old? Don't most people start to think about what they want to be when they are in their mid to late teens? Is being a doctor such a bold wish for the child of a health care professional? Remember, the admissions officers will be reading scores of applications, all from people who want to be doctors and probably have wanted to be doctors at least since the teen years and perhaps even since childhood. Why start off the essay stressing the one thing you share with all of the other applicants, suggesting that this somehow makes you unique?
The rest of the essay is very strong. I like the story. But I really encourage you to rethink your opening.
